I Wish God Were Alive To See This

“Because sometimes, the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad.”

The Reremice feel like they’re not getting the praise that they deserve in the national media due to their win-loss record. So they want to remind everyone that they’re still here kicking ass with a nice big win over the Baboons.

RYAN WINS, 37-13

NPL Title Belt Match!

“For once, maybe someone will call me ‘sir’ without adding, ‘You’re making a scene.'”

With wins in four of their last five match-ups, the Javelineers are slowly turning away from ‘joke of the Prophet division’ toward ‘actually kinda decent’. They get a dominant win here.

JOSH WINS, 47-14

“I’m going to lose my job just ’cause I’m dangerously unqualified!”

The officials at the Coin Tossers front office are really questioning their decision to accept the emergency appointment to the NPL requested by The Commish. They don’t like getting dominated like this!

SAMUEL WINS, 27-5

“I saw this movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed dropped, it would explode! I think it was called, ‘The Bus That Couldn’t Slow Down.'”

The Micropolitans knew that they couldn’t take their foot off the gas, or they’d risk losing control of the division. They get a crucial victory over the surging Vapulaters in OT here.

MATT WINS, 40-35

“You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is: never try.”

The Jaws-of-Life humbled the Rock Lobsters in a big way, dominating their division rival in a massive blowout.

JERRY WINS, 35-0

“Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose. It’s how drunk you get.”

The BB Cannons wanted to remind the Cari Bous that they’re just out here to have fun and they’re not sure the playoffs are even a real thing. This, says Cari Bous officials, might explain why the BB Cannons always smell like gin.

BRENT WINS, 37-14

“No matter how good you are at something, there’s always about a million people better than you.”

The Blue Tits have looked good this year, despite dropping their second straight loss here to the LeScavengers, reminding them that just because they’re doing well, doesn’t mean that there aren’t better players out there.

LeSCOOT WINS, 32-25

“Your cooking only has two moves: shake and bake.”

The Wrecking Balls were not at all worried about the Zeros offense, having faced the franchise many times before in the past. They knew exactly what to game plan for and they came out with a two-score victory at home.

RACHEL WINS, 36-21

“What’s the point of going out? We’re just going to wind up back here anyway.”

The Martians haven’t had much fun this season and are now starting to feel like the road games are just a waste of time if they’re going to be defeated so easily by their opponents. The Evil Entities were happy to feed that frustration with this dominant win.

ETHAN WINS, 45-5

“I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman.”

The Tichorrhines are starting to correct course, but they needed a bit of a miracle to pull this one out in overtime. Down 15-12 with 0:09 left on the clock and needing 71 yards to reach the end zone, they threw a simple screen pass that turned into a cross-field-lateral fest. Somehow, they found paydirt!

TRAVIS WINS, 18-15

“Why do my actions have consequences?”

The Androids were a bit rusty, both figuratively and literally, coming into this game after missing action last week. But they rallied back from a big deficit to force an overtime period, where their bizarre choice to kick off instead of receive the overtime kick backfired. And then it just got worse and worse.

COREY WINS, 67-48

“And there’s nothing wrong with hitting someone when his back is turned.”

The Sausages find themselves embroiled in controversy after setting a new NPL record for illegal blocks, some even after the game ended. The Juggernauts spent the second half looking for players approaching for the cheap shot.

STEVEN WINS, 46-23

“Just squeeze your rage up into a bitter little ball and release it at an appropriate time, like that day I hit the referee with the whiskey bottle.”

Another frustrating loss for the Cannibals on this one, getting bested by their division rival in overtime to fall to 4-5 on the year.

BRIAN WINS, 45-42

“I’ve learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.”

The Jellyfish just can’t seem to get out of the loss column recently. The Axell Abactors stay close behind the division leading Killcows with a nice win over the struggling home team.

AXELL WINS, 37-22

“When will I learn? The answer to life’s problems isn’t at the bottom of a bottle. They’re on TV!”

The Ballerinas are looking wherever they can to find the answers to their struggles this season. Once the alcohol wore off, they decided maybe they should be one of those teams that listens to the pundits?

That didn’t work either.

KEVIN WINS, 29-15

“Oh yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouths, and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?”

The Adam Bombs weren’t intimidated by the Braggadocios heading into their PRIIIIIIIME TIIIIIIIME match-up. They quickly learned that the Braggadocios might have been too much to handle, despite Adam’s confidence.

BRANDON WINS, 35-21