Chill Out, Dickwad

“I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle.”

The Minotaurs are taking whatever they can from the Baboons, including the division lead, as this victory leapfrogs Michael over Berkenbile in the standings!

MICHAEL WINS, 20-6

NPL Title Belt Match!

“Hasta la vista, baby!”

The Reremice snag the NPL Title Belt from the Josh Javelineers, encouraging the home team to wave goodbye to the belt and to their hopeful winning streak.

RYAN WINS, 20-6

“See that camera up there? I’ll strangle you in front of the whole audience.”

Tempers reached a boiling point between these two division rivals, with Matt and Samuel players getting into regular pushing and shouting matches.

MATT WINS, 20-5

“What the hell are you?”

The Vapulaters know that they Coin Tossers should be a pushover, easy victory. But they get stomped here, wondering just who was actually under those helmets.

COIN WINS, 36-14

“What is best in life? To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women!”

The Jaws-of-Life knock the BB Cannons down a peg, take their place on the throne, and celebrate the best things in life.

JERRY WINS, 18-4

“If it bleeds, we can kill it.”

The Brandon Braggadocios will not be intimidated by the Bette Blue Tits and their never ending success in the NPL.

BRANDON WINS, 29-0

“Grant me revenge! And if you do not listen, then to hell with you!”

The Adam Bombs lost to LeScoot in overtime on the road in their previous match-up in Week 6. They get their revenge in OT here at home.

ADAM WINS, 12-11

“Who is your daddy, and what does he do?”

The Evil Entities complete the season sweep of the Rachel Wrecking Balls, claiming their sixth win in the past eight weeks.

ETHAN WINS, 19-6

“Time for you to chill out.”

Despite a hell of an effort from Miranda, the Kelly Zeros took the opportunity to remind them they were ice cold over the past few weeks. They pile on for Miranda’s fourth straight loss.

KELLY WINS, 30-29

“Come on… Come on! Do it! Do it! Come on. Come on! Kill me! I’m here! Kill me! I’m here! Kill me! Come on! Kill me! I’m here! Come on! Do it now! Kill me!”

After the Tichorrhines rose to a 30-0 lead by the end of the first half, the Androids were begging for the game to just end.

TRAVIS WINS, 37-12

“I’ll be back.”

The Cutthroats get swept by the Labeorphiles! But they won’t go quietly into the night. They continue to battle the Labeorphiles for the top spot in the division as the season end draws near.

LACI WINS, 10-0

“I live to see you eat that contract, but I hope you leave enough room for my fist.”

The GM of the Juggernauts was berated on the sidelines by legendary kicker, Joel Michael Jowell-Jollsberg. JMJJ, the highest paid player on the team at $39 million per season, is in the middle of a contract negotiation, despite seven years remaining in a thirteen year contract.

BRIAN WINS, 20-6

“You want to be a farmer? Here’s a couple of acres!”

On the opening kickoff, the Cannibals went full testicular rage on the Sausages, thwacking Steven’s receiving team right in the mommy-daddy buttons. This set the tone for the game, and Chris cruised easily to the W.

CHRIS WINS, 27-6

“No sequel for you.”

The Killcows remind the Jellyfish that they will not be repeating as the top team of the Clairvoyant Conference or making it to the post season.

KEVIN WINS, 47-15

“You guys are nothing but a bunch of sleazy con men in red suits.”

The Axell Abactors have been playing well this season, while the Ballerinas, one of the better teams last year, has struggled. But, DaVena found out the boys in red were maybe not worth the hype.

DAVENA WINS, 18-4

“I did nothing, the pavement was his enemy!”

It wasn’t exactly an exciting, high-scoring affair in PRIIIIIIIME TIIIIIIIME this Monday. The most exciting moment of the game is when LB Ricky Mean got a late push out of bounds on RB Carey Bugh, who then cracked his femur when he flipped over the bench and landed on the paved track that circles the field.

RICKY WINS, 9-0