The Abactors Abuse the Competition

The Reremice got rear ended by the 18-wheeler that is the Josh Javelineers offense, who didn’t take the foot off the gas until there was a purple, gold, and red stain on the field.

JOSH WINS, 38-5

The Minotaurs manhandle the Baboons here, scoring all of the points themselves thanks to two intentional 90-yard safeties meant to burn clock in the second and fourth quarters. Unfortunately, that all but wiped out the team’s rushing yard totals.

MICHAEL WINS, 28-4

The Micropolitans took a micro approach to securing a victory in their season opener over the ‘Bous. They boot through three field goals en route to the shutout.

MATT WINS, 9-0

The Sackbuts looked at ease in the second half after RB Rhino Mean left the game with a corndog stick stuck up his nose. It was an unfortunate halftime snackcident.

SAMUEL WINS, 29-15

The Vapulaters say “See you later” to the Jaws-of-Life, stunning the home team in Week One with a blowout victory. In Jerry’s defense, they didn’t have one. A defense. Get it?

VINCE WINS, 37-14

The Blue Tits sneak by the Braggadocios thanks to a late interception return that iced the game. To celebrate, Bette coaches bought the team those fun hats with the propellers on top.

BETTE WINS, 17-6

The LeScavengers couldn’t lescavenge a single point against their division rival. They did find one thing, though: a goose egg. That’s not a comment on their score; there is apparently a goose problem in the Adam Bombs visitors locker room.

ADAM WINS, 19-0

The Martians abduct the win here in overtime, using their tractor beams to pull the Evil Entities’ game-tying kick attempt wide right with 0:38 left in the bonus period.

MIRANDA WINS, 31-28

Rachel sealed the victory after regulation ended and most of the fans left due to a really good, limited time sale at Kelly Koat Faktory.

RACHEL WINS, 20-15

In a role reversal, it’s the Cutthroats that feel the edge of the knife in this one, as the Tichorrhines cut up the competition for the easy W.

TRAVIS WINS, 28-14

Laci started hot, with an opening snap safety followed by a field goal to pull up 5-0. But, like a fan reading the menu at the Andrew concession stands, it just got worse and worse.

ANDREW WINS, 28-5

The Steven Sausages take the Bongos to overtime and topple the defending conference champion with a late field goal to open their 2023 campaign.

STEVEN WINS, 20-17

The Killcows piss all over the Jellyfish’s sting in this one, neutralizing their offense en route to a blowout victory.

KEVIN WINS, 35-6

The Axell Abactors absolutely destroy the DaVena Ballerinas in the opening week, nearly outscoring their opponent by forty!

AXELL WINS, 54-15

Joel Michael Jowell-Jollsberg, in the best shape of his lengthy career, likely thanks to a cocktail of Columbian steroids, had no trouble booting 12 field goals to easily topple the Cannibals in this one.

JOEL WINS, 36-6

NPL Title Belt Match!

The new guys in town, the Erik Eruption, make their NPL debut in PRIIIIIIIME TIIIIIIIME after being called up from the New England Picks League where most players are drunk. So they should fit right in. While they entered this contest with a lot of confidence, they did draw the defending NPL champion and Title Belt holding Brent BB Cannons.

As they should, Brent welcomed the new guys to the league with a blowout.

BRENT WINS, 35-14