The whole league sucked in Week Five!

Leave it to the Javelineers to finally figure things out on defense, only for the offense to do nothing. Thankfully, the Cutthroats were equally inept after the fifteen hour flight to Greece for this international game.

JOSH WINS, 15-2

The Labeorphiles frustrate the Reremice on their home turf, leaning heavily on their tripwire-based defense to earn the shutout in this snooze fest.

LACI WINS, 8-0

The Minotaurs may have been the only team to prepare for football in Week 5! They make easy work of the visiting Travis squad in this one, cruising with the best performance in the league!

MICHAEL WINS, 26-6

The Androids updates have now been field tested and they may be on to something. They shutout their hosts here on a solid defensive approach that really took advantage of line of scrimmage contact in the passing game.

ANDREW WINS, 19-0

NPL Title Belt Match!

The fun had to come to an end for the Wrecking Balls sooner or later. They see their four-game winning streak snapped by the visiting Eruption, winners of three straight! The NPL Title Belt has new owners!

ERIK WINS, 16-3

The Zeros bus arrived just moments before kick-off and they were forced to take the field in their street clothes until half time! The Micropolitans couldn’t take advantage, though, and had to wait until the bonus period to finally play offense!

MATT WINS, 41-10

No one has had an easier schedule than the Evil Entities, and the Sackbuts did little to counter that reputation, failing to put up any points in this dud.

ETHAN WINS, 10-0

It only takes a league-wide bed shitting to make one appreciate a three score performance. The Vapulaters, all things considered, looked pretty okay today. The Martians, however, followed league trends with a mattress-full-of-dookie performance.

VINCE WINS, 17-0

The Adam Bombs bounce back, at the right time, to get this narrow home win over the Cannibals. Fans were so bored during this one that the scoreboard operator put on NPL Dead Zone (“Eight hours of football-free commercials starts now!”) to entertain the crowd.

ADAM WINS, 8-0

Joel Michael Jowell-Jollsberg knocks in a perfect 3-for-3 in this travesty of offensive planning. Neither team was able to enter their opponent’s territory, but only one team has JMJJ’s golden leg.

JOEL WINS, 9-0

The Bongos had little trouble with the home team LeScavengers, and cruise to their third straight win. The Bongos find themselves atop the Oracle Division, along with Steven, while the LeScavengers join the four-way tie locking up the Foreteller Division.

BRIAN WINS, 20-5

The Sausages are procrastinators, and didn’t start on their actual game plan until the fourth quarter. They slide this assignment across the teacher’s desk just before the bell and take advantage of study hall to get the passing grade.

STEVEN WINS, 27-14

Like the bidets in their bathrooms, the Jaws-of-Life stop the skid. They stay in the thick of things in the Psychic Division at 2-3, putting up 26 points in the overtime period for the W!

JERRY WINS, 32-17

The Rock Lobsters still have an opening at Offensive Coordinator, and it showed, as the Abactors shut them down completely on offense. However, player-coach Ricky Mean led the charge for the Ricky defense, scoring three scoop-and-score touchdowns in the shutout victory!

RICKY WINS, 20-0

The Bous win again! They shutout the visiting Jellyfish to improve to 3-2 on the season, already matching their win total from last season, and find themselves as the top offense in the Psychic Division!

CARI WINS, 11-0

This is not exactly the ratings-driving performance the NPL is hoping to get on their PRIIIIIIIME TIIIIIIIME programming, but the fans sure seemed to enjoy the eight career-ending injuries. They chanted “Next man up! Next man up!” each time a Killcow or BB Cannon player awaited the medical cart. It was perhaps the only interesting thing happening on the field.

KEVIN WINS, 11-0