The Ethan Evil Entities are your 2025 Seer Cup Champions!
NPL Playoffs – The Seer Cup
[ Slideshow of grainy black and white photos showing the history of the NPL, voice over by game broadcaster Tyke Marico ]
“The Seer Cup. 145 years ago, in a small fishing village on the coast of Norway, an elaborate dodge-ball game with teams of fifty battled in the public square. Over the years, the game would evolve, taking on the look and rules of modern day football, but with all the extravagant violence that was seen in that bloody square so long ago. The prize? A large silver goblet filled with fish and gravy. That same cup, reforged and reinforced countless times, remains the ultimate goal. 144 times the Seer Cup has switched hands and 144 hearts have been broken along the way.”
[ Video: drone camera approach over the coastal shores, the suburbs, the city, and finally into the stadium; shots of fans in the stands, parking lot tailgaters, the super-famous and disgustingly-wealthy in their luxury boxes; voice over by game broadcaster Tyke Marico ]
“And here we are: Stubbtown, Washington. Founded by the creators of the Seer Cup, who emigrated to America to help the natives with ‘the white problem’, Stubbtown is a small coastal city, rich in Norwegian heritage. It is home to the majestic Stubb Field. Remodeled and updated after last year’s unfortunate incident, Stubb Field now holds 144,000 fans of all ages, backgrounds, and of certain income levels. It’s here where our two remaining teams will once again engage in battle for that elusive trophy. The west end zone is painted in blue and red for the Matt Micropolitans, and the east end zone in the black and white of the Ethan Evil Entities.
Now let’s meet our teams. Introducing the Soothsayer Conference Champions, he’s a Teen Choice Awards, Primetime Emmy Awards, and People’s Choice awards nominee, and made a guest appearance in MC Hammer’s ‘2 Legit 2 Quit’ music video – your mother likely had a poster showing him without a shirt on – New Kids on the Block singer, songwriter, and actor… Donnie Wahlberg!”
[ Video montage of the Matt Micropolitans’s season highlights, voice over by Donnie Wahlberg:
“These boys got the right stuff. Step by step, week by week, the gray, red and blue rolled into town and made their presence known. Division title? Check. #1 seed? Check. NPL Title Belt? Check. It doesn’t matter who stands on the opposite sideline. They’ll be hangin’ tough. No team has won more games in a season… and there’s just one more to go.” ]
Tyke Marico: “And now to introduce the Clairvoyant Conference Champions, two-time Image Award winner for Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series, and two-time Grammy Award winner, for Best Rap Performance by a Duo or Group and Best Metal Performance, he’s the star of Law & Order: SVU… Ice T!”
[ Video montage of the Ethan Evil Entities’s season highlights, voice over by Ice T:
“They ain’t flashy. They ain’t pretty. They ain’t gonna light up the scoreboard. But they’ll light up you. You get in their way, they’ll run you over. You try to drag ’em down, they just drag you along. Sure, they lost half their games this season. But every team they played felt it for weeks. Some of them still wake up screamin’. Those guys on the other sidelines might have the accolades, but let me tell you something: when it comes to the Seer Cup… I bet on black!” ]
Tyke Marico: “There they are. The 13-1 Matt Micropolitans in their road white jerseys, white pants, and their gray helmet on the far sideline and the 7-7 Ethan Evil Entities in all black on the near sideline. Coming up next: the singing of ‘God Bless America’, ‘America the Beautiful’, ‘This Land is Your Land’, ‘Born in the U.S.A.’, ‘Yankee Doodle Dandy’, ‘My Country Tis of Thee’, ‘Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue’, ‘God Bless the U.S.A’, and the National Anthem. But first, we have to keep the lights on and keep our broadcast license, so a quick break for recruitment ads from United States Immigration and Customs Enforcement, the United States Navy, the United States Army, the United States Marine Corps, and the United States Space Force. I guess the Air Force is doing just fine.”
NPL Championship – The Seer Cup!
Matt vs Ethan
NPL Title Belt Match!The Seer Cup – Stubb Field in Stubbtown, WA
Weather: 41°F, 23 mph winds from the south
Kickoff: 3:34 pm, Sunday February 8th, 2026
Tyke Marico: “Tyke Marico here and, as always, joined by Hall of Fame Cannibals reciever, Crisp Crackersworth. The Evil Entities have won the coin toss and chose to defer. The Micropolitans will receive. The Micropolitans won the limbo contest, and have elected to defend the west end zone. The Evil Entities won ‘How Many Fingers Am I Holding Up Behind My Back’ which will give them an extra player on the opening kick off.”
Crisp Crackersworth: “Yeah, and that can really help set the tone right off the bat for these underdog Evil Entities. They’ll need to let the Micropolitans know that they came to play.”
Tyke: “13-10, Micropolitans lead. Just 45 seconds on the clock, but no timeouts remaining and forty-three yards to get into field goal range for Etua Ethovailoa and the Evil Entities offense.”
Crisp: “They’ll need quick plays to the sidelines to preserve the clock. Plays to the middle of the field will only make this harder. I know that’s common sense, but the producers insist I dumb it down!”
Tyke: “Here’s the snap. Etua drops back and the southpaw launches one down the middle! Caught! Gain of twenty-one right off the bat!”
Crisp: “Or you can throw it to the middle and run hurry up. That works too, I guess.”
Tyke: “Twenty-nine… Twenty-eight… Twenty-seven… Evil Entities rush to the line. Not going to spike it, they’ll go for another pass… caught! Gain of twenty-six yards on that one! But that clock is ticking!”
Crisp: “Treat it like the coffee in my mug here and spike it!”
Tyke: “You’re drinking? They told me I couldn’t drink.”
Crisp: “Huh? What? Nothing.”
Tyke: “Ethovailoa spikes it and the clock stops with four seconds remaining. Here comes the kicking team. Looking at a fifty-four yard field goal. Snap is good. Hold is good. Kick is up… and it’s good! 13-13, tie ballgame!”
Crisp: “Unlike my father who forgot to take his heart medication, that had enough to make it beyond sixty!”
Tyke: “Coming up next, the All-American Citizens-First Red, White, and Blue Halftime Loyalty Show, featuring Drake, Adele, Michael Bublé, PSY, and BTS!”
Crisp: “Now here’s a guy that knows how to throw a no-look pass. Mattrick Matthomes is looking off the safety, but throws it blindly to Fleur Matt in the opposite direction. I mean, come on! No other quarterback, living or dead, could do something like that!”
Tyke: “That pass was intercepted, Crisp.”
Tyke: “24-16. Evil Entities have the ball on the Micropolitans’ six, and they’re going for it on fourth down.”
Crisp: “If they fail, there’s three minutes left! Still plenty of time to get the ball back and take another shot at the end zone. But if they succeed, if Etho…, Ethova…, uh, Etua, can channel some Matthomes Magic, they’ll still need the two point conversion. And if they convert that and win in overtime, claim the Seer Cup as a .500 team, I’ll straight up kill myself!”
Tyke: “Shotgun formation. Empty backfield. Here’s the snap. It’s a draw! And he’ll walk it in untouched! Two point conversion to come!”
Crisp: “Oh, how the tables have turned. The Evil Entities had the dramatic finish to the first half and the end of regulation, but now it’s time for some Matthomes Magic here in overtime!”
Tyke: “Similar situation to the end of the first half: the Micropolitans are down, they need forty-three yards, and they have no timeouts. The difference: those forty-three yards are what separate them from a game-tying touchdown, not a field goal. As you can tell, listeners, and Crisp, the producers also instructed me to dumb it down.”
Crisp: “God bless America.”
Tyke: “Game clock at 1:03, Micropolitans lining up at the Evil Entities forty-three yard line. Matthomes in shotgun, single back, three receivers on the far side. Six on the play clock. Here’s the snap. Pressure coming! Matthomes rolls right! He throws!”
Crisp: “Magic time!”
Tyke: “It’s tipped! And intercepted! Ethorest Bucknerd! Matthomes is chasing him down! He won’t catch him! Ten! Five! Touchdown, Evil Entities!”
Crisp (to production assistant): “Tracy, more magic sauce in my coffee mug please. Fuckin’ seven win Wild Card champions.”
Tyke: “And it took some Matthomes Magic for them to do it!”
Crisp (whispering): “I hate you.”
ETHAN WINS, 37-24
The Ethan Evil Entities are your 2025 Seer Cup Champions!
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