Samuel Pitches a Shutout to Claim the NPL Title Belt!

Like an ER nurse getting none of the recognition for their hard work, the Reremice find themselves working overtime again this week. They humble the confident winners of last weeks’ Priiiiiiime Tiiiiiiime game with a solid defensive showing in the extra time.

RYAN WINS, 33-28

Like parents witnessing their child being born with bright ginger hair, the Javelineers would really like a do-over for this one. The hometown Minotaurs cruise to 3-0, shutting down Joshtin Stubbert and the Javs offense.

MICHAEL WINS, 18-0

NPL Title Belt Match!

Vegas betters had this NPL Title Belt match at an Over/Under of 43.5 combined points. The Sackbuts took the under and made the defending Soothsayer Conference champion Micropolitans look like practice squad rejects. Samuel claims the Title Belt!

SAMUEL WINS, 10-0

Vince and the Sage Rage defense couldn’t stop Erik from erupting for three 4th quarter touchdowns en route to an easy road victory. Erik avoids the 0-3 start with the win.

ERIK WINS, 26-5

The classic Psychic Division rivalry is renewed with both teams at 1-1, this time Jerry playing host. This one spills into overtime, where the BB Cannons fire warning shots off both uprights before finally finding the net for the winning score with only 0:12 left to play.

BRENT WINS, 25-22

The Rock Lobsters decided to honor a longstanding tradition in the Psychic Division of providing much-needed confidence boosts to visiting opponents. With Rhino Mean in a Colombian prison and Ricky Mean testifying before Congress, Cari took full advantage to stay atop the division.

CARI WINS, 26-7

The Adam Bombs blow up for five unanswered scores in the second half, turning a 13-3 halftime deficit into a blowout victory on the road.

BETTE WINS, 38-13

The LeScavengers get that time-and-a-half again, taking the visiting rival Braggadocios into the bonus period where they made things look much easier. Players and fans alike are cheering for the LeScavengers to avoid OT next week.

LeSCOOT WINS, 33-26

The Evil Entities win their second straight, this time shutting down the visiting Wrecking Balls, a team that has given them a lot of trouble over the years.

ETHAN WINS, 20-6

Well, it wasn’t exactly a pretty game, with over 30 penalties being called, combined, during that benches clearing brawl in the second quarter. After fines, arrests, sentencing, and the other legal hurdles were out of the way, the game resumed and Kelly put this one out of reach.

KELLY WINS, 18-4

The Tichorrhines haven’t exactly been lighting up the scoreboard so far in 2026 and came into this one as underdogs at home. Thanks to an encryption failure, the Androids lost their special teams unit for the day and Travis took full advantage.

TRAVIS WINS, 18-0

The Sausages sizzled the Bongos in this one, dominating both sides of the ball and both teams’ post-game showers. Said one female reporter, “It was literally a Sausage fest. Also, I don’t know why my boss wants me to interview players while they’re trying to shower up. Like the Bongos playcalling on third down today, I’d say it’s really problematic.”

STEVEN WINS, 29-0

The Juggernauts are still without legendary kicker Joel Michael Jowell-Jollsberg, who is still in Munich shooting the new James Bond film opposite of Daniel Radcliffe. Maybe Q can whip up a Rolex that kicks 70-yard field goals.

CHRIS WINS, 19-4

The Jellyfish stung the visiting Killcows here, taking them to overtime and sneaking away with a narrow victory. Thanks to Hurricane Jessica Alba drenching the field, this game was like Mormon teenagers experimenting with dating: a low scoring soakfest.

JENNIFER WINS, 15-12

The Ballerinas balled out, making easy work of the visiting Abactors. They knock their division rivals to a troubling 0-3 start to start the 2026 campaign.

DaVENA WINS, 37-14

The Corey Cutthroats played hosts to their visiting rivals, the Laci Labeorphiles, in this PRIIIIIIME TIIIIIIME snooze fest. Neither offense could get anything going, and the first touchdown of the game was a scoop-and-score fumble in the third quarter on a 4th-and-28 punt. The narrow win for Corey marks their second straight, and they sit alone atop the Auspex Division in what looks to be another highly competitive (sloppy?) year for that division.

COREY WINS, 10-0