DaVena Does The Thinkable!

The Minotaurs dominated the ground game in this matchup, which is not surprising after they replaced four of their starters with bear traps. MICHAEL WINS, 26-4

There are plenty of good things to say about the Ballerinas, but everyone is getting tired of that. Oh well, they win again. DAVENA WINS, 35-21

The Reremice suspended fifteen starters after Friday’s practice, leaving their offense and defense a little thin. Lauren took advantage for the easy win. LAUREN WINS, 20-0

The Adam Bombs really have no answer for JDIII and the Javs, as the visiting offense collected points like a 90’s child trying to grow their Pog collection. JOSH WINS, 36-4

The Bous bounce back and hand the BB Cannons a loss in overtime. It was the finest performance in a long time for Cari, whose All Star so far this year is their sarcastic social media intern, Tiffany. CARI WINS, 29-26

The Jaws-of-Life win a hotly contested game in overtime, thanks in part to an obscure rule that rewards possession to the other team if a player stuffs the ball under their jersey and pretends to be pregnant. JERRY WINS, 34-33

The Rock Lobsters dynamic brothers, Ricky and Rhino Mean, provided all the fireworks in this match up. Post game fireworks show aside, those two also played pretty well. RICKY WINS, 36-12

The Sausages cooked the Cutthroats here, gashing their defense with a sizzling 467 yards rushing, threatening the NPL record carried over from the 1962 NPAA-APAA merger, a mark of 491 yards rushing by the 1913 Nicholas Sparks. STEVEN WINS, 47-22

The Cannibals gnawed their way to victory, chewing right through the famous Juggernauts 7-man rush. The thus-far disappointing rookie running back, Chris Christmas, finally broke out, just in time for the holidays. CHRIS WINS, 38-23

This one went to overtime, where the Evil Entities were electric for the first time since losing RB Ethick Ekinnon to a knee injury at the McDangle’s ball pit. ETHAN WINS, 46-27

NPL Title Belt Match!

The Killcows got to polish the Title Belt for 6 whole days before the Wrecking Balls snatched it right up! Rachel hopes they can hold on a bit longer than that on their victory tour. RACHEL WINS, 26-15

The Martians are heating up, making their playoff push right on schedule. They poach the Tichorrhines in this one, selling their grounded up shoulder pads and facemasks as aphrodisiacs on the black market. MIRANDA WINS, 36-6

The Zeros are hunting for their first division banner and need every win they can get. The Labeorphiles put up quite the scare, but like a heavily edited Tarantino film on ABC Family, it wasn’t really worth watching. KELLY WINS, 38-24

The JeStErS collect a huge win in Prime Time, feeding off the knowledge that millions would be watching, rather than the few thousand fans their stadium holds after the sinkhole appeared. JASON WINS, 45-12 (SINKHOLE WINS, 16-0)