The Minotaurs Are Free Fallin’ Like Tom Petty With An Anvil Parachute

The Minotaurs continue to implode, dropping their fourth straight game. They fall in this one to JDIII’s rookie backup, Joss Shua, who shines in his NPL debut with 222 yards passing, 2 touchdowns, on 22 of 22 passing. JOSH WINS, 38-22

The Vapulaters upset the heavily favored hometeam Baboons in possibly the ugliest game in recent NPL memory. Vince and Berkenbile took a 2-2 tie into overtime, where the Vapulaters became the only team to actually find the endzone in this one. VINCE WINS, 15-4

The Reremice miss the last train to the stadium, leaving the Labeorphiles to sport those itchy mesh practice jerseys in an intersquad scrimmage. They still, somehow, almost lost it and had to take this one to overtime. LACI WINS, 42-21

The Cutthroats stay competitive in the Oracle Division with a fine win over the Rock Lobsters. RB Rhino Mean gets ejected in the 2nd quarter for targeting with the helmet, becoming the first player to be ejected for throwing his helmet at an opposing player. You think we would have seen that before. COREY WINS, 18-6

Jaws-of-Life QB Baker Jerryfield, the over-confident second year QB, talked all sorts of trash and then backed that up by playing like all sorts of trash in this home loss. Jerryfield even snubbed CB LeChard Scootman at the overtime coin toss, like a big ol’ bag of dicks. LeSCOOT WINS, 28-23

The Cari Bous win their second straight, and you’ll want to get a screenshot of this because we do not know how long it will last: they are currently atop the standings in the Psychic Division. They thoroughly dominate the BB Cannons in this one. CARI WINS, 46-12

RB Adam Ademma, ageless wonder, accounted for the only points for the Adam Bombs, when he fumbled inside the five and Billy Brandwin, cornerback for the Braggadocios, tried to get fuckin’ cute with the fumble return, and danced his way into the endzone where Ademma decleated the cocky youngin’. Otherwise, it was all Braggadocios. BRANDON WINS, 16-2

The Jellyfish of Emily had a decent showing in this one, but Chris was out for revenge at home. Jennifer finds themselves back in the loss column and at the bottom of the Oracle Division, despite being a Top 10 offense, while the Cannibals offense really starts to click.

NPL Title Belt Match!

The Ballerinas were apparently not too keen on keeping the NPL Title Belt, handing it off to the Juggernauts in overtime. Joel Michael Jowell-Jollsberg, released from a Turkmenistan prison the night before the game, was obviously jetlagged in his return to the lineup. The veteran kicker went 10 for 13 in the OT win. JOEL WINS, 36-25

Like a doofus that accidentally wore red to a Stoplight Party, the Killcows just could not find a way to score. The Sausages played like buttcheeks in the win, but didn’t need much to get the W anyway. STEVEN WINS, 11-0

The Martians get a big win over the Androids, moving into a tie with the Tichorrhines at 4-1 atop the Augur Division. The Androids, who have had trouble with firmware updates, compiler errors, and power supply issues, were clearly riddled with bugs in the loss. MIRANDA WINS, 29-13

The Zeros finally snag their first W of the year, taking this one with a massive overtime period that doubled Kelly’s points on the season and exposed QB Ethan Ebow as maybe not being that good. Ah, what am I saying? Ebow is Elite. KELLY WINS, 40-21

The Wrecking Balls fail to convert on the game winning 2-pt conversion, rather than extending this contest into its second overtime with the PAT kick. Asked why they didn’t play it safe, head coach “Ratchet” O’Lehcar said, “We didn’t want to miss the latest episode of ‘D-List Celebrities In Disguise Pretend to Sing While B-List Celebrity Judges Act Impressed’ on Fox.” TRAVIS WINS, 29-28

It’s Prime Time, baby! The JeStErS extend their win streak to three, preventing a bottleneck atop the Prophet Division. Lauren QB Dom Grady, the 51 year old veteran that thrives on yards after the catch to pad his stats, just couldn’t get things going for the Lychnobites offense. JASON WINS, 37-14