Can Joel Michael Jowell-Jollsberg Carry the Struggling Juggernauts Offense to Victory?

Javelineer Field and Home Improvement Center – Joshville, WA
23 degrees, Snowing

Emotions were high at Javelineer Field, with legendary QB Josh Von Joshershire throwing the Golden Javelin in the pregame ceremony in front of 73,000 fans in a sea of navy blue and crimson. With JVJ watching from the press box and snow collecting on the field, the new great signal caller, JDIII, lined up behind center and guided the Javelineers to a comfortable halftime lead of 21-7. Working mostly from shotgun, JDIII completely 11 passes on 15 attempts for 119 yards and added 41 yards on the ground.

LeScoot QB Lester LeScootersmith walked into the locker room at halftime with 2 interceptions and only 49 yards passing on 18 attempts, certainly a side effect of the cold and snow. With the slippery turf making it difficult to establish a run game, LeScoot switched to mostly a screen pass offense, utilizing WR Lenny L. Lando and RB Le’Scooton Bell behind a wall of blockers. With shorter and easier throws, the new scheme worked wonders, with LeScoot pulling ahead following a gutsy fake-PAT-flea-flicker pass to TE Landry LeScootleburg to pull ahead 22-21.

But that was all she wrote for the LeScavengers. The 4th quarter saw a fumbled LeScavengers snap returned for a touchdown, a 71 yard rushing touchdown by JDIII on a bootleg, and a punt return touchdown by Jay “Hands” McJoshster to put this one away. JOSH WINS, 43-22

Army-Navy Surplus Store Stadium and Shooting Range – New Adams, LA
51 degrees, High winds and rain

The hometown crowd endured the rain and blistering winds to watch legendary A-Bombs HB Adam Ademma, in what many believe will be his final season, collect an impressive 72 yards rushing in the first half while finding the endzone three times against the stout Reremice defense. Ademma, covered in braces and athletic tape, looked like a homemade cyborg as he darted through the purple and gold. But it was Ryan QB Fran Ryanton, who also darted for 50+ rushing yards (57) and added 132 yards passing, that commanded the first half, leading the Reremice to a respectable 31-21 lead at the break.

It was a quiet second half, with Ryanton and Ademma mostly reined in by the opposing defenses. Both the A-Bombs and the Reremice managed only one touchdown, the latter a punt return by WR Red Ryansen, while the A-Bombs rode the foot of kicker Adam Anthony Adams-Addelman who went 3-for-3 in the 4th quarter to draw the game to a 38-38 tie with 3 minutes to go. The Reremice threatened to pull ahead, slowly grinding the clock down to 0:08 before facing a 4th and 2 at the A-Bombs 38 yard line. While the 56 yard field goal is certainly not unreasonable for K Rook Rinladder, the false start penalty that pushed it to 61 yards made it damn near unreachable in the conditions. To overtime!

Ademma strikes twice, once from 23 yards, then again from 8 yards out. The A-Bombs pull ahead 51-38 with 7 minutes left in the bonus period. Then the Reremice come storming back. Ryanton finds Ryansen for a 43 yard strike, but Rinladder’s PAT is blocked. In the mud and rain, the Reremice somehow emerge with the recovered onside kick. Down seven, 1:19 to go, no timeouts for either side, Ryanton scrambles for 9 yards, throws for 17, gets sacked for -6, throws again for 21 yards, and finally scrambles again for a 13 yard score with 0:02 left on the clock! All that’s needed is the 1-pt PAT to send the game to a second overtime.

But, what’s this? A 2-pt conversion try? Going for the win? Ryanton drops back and is under immediate pressure. He rolls right, darts between two defenders, scrambles back to the left and throws a dart to TE Ry Ryan-Rybo… dropped. ADAM WINS, 51-50

Bangerz Field at the Zyprexa Dome – Las Raches, NV
60 degrees, Indoor

It was HB Rack Rickles that had his number called on the first play from scrimmage following a dropped opening kickoff that resulted in a 1st and 10 from their own 8 yard line. 92 yards later, Rickles and the Wrecking Balls were dancing in the endzone up 6-0 only 16 seconds into the game. Steven failed to answer in the first half, punting away 5 of their first 7 possessions and losing the other two to a fumble and an interception. Rachel was in command at the end of the half, up 24-0.

Steven made a few adjustments at halftime, targeting the zone defense instead of trying to beat it over the top. But for every touchdown the Sausages cooked up, the Wrecking Balls were able to match. TE Stevey O’Steveyhan led the Sausages in targets (13), receptions (9), and yards (144) and would have been a solid candidate for player of the game had the Sausages not been behind on the scoreboard from the opening play from scrimmage. RACHEL WINS, 45-28

Ninja Mega Kitchen System Dome – Kevinglewood, CA
62 degrees, Indoor

Winning their first division title since their inaugural season in 2012, the Killcows got to rest up a week and play host to the Joel Juggernauts. That rest proved to be the difference maker, as the Killcows looked fresh and energized compared to the lackluster performance of the Juggernauts offense. QB Kev Kthulu tossed 144 yards on 8 completions in the first half, a large portion of that hitting HB Kevalouicious Kevinsen on screen passes and shallow curls.

The Joel Juggernauts once again turned to the leg of Joel Michael Jowell-Jollsberg, but with the offense struggling to get to field goal range behind one of the worst offensive lines in recent memory, JMJJ wasn’t much of a factor. He went 3-for-3 in the first half and 4-for-4 to close out the game, and the scoring, for the Joel Juggernauts. Kthulu and Kevinsen continued to roll in the second half, combining for four touchdowns to put the game well out of reach of the Juggernauts. KEVIN WINS, 42-21