Can the Androids Compile Another Victory in Their First Post-Season?

Delta Southern Railroad Stadium in Brandon-on-the-Bayou, LA

1:00 PM kickoff. Weather: 61 degrees, Hurricane Warning

The Ryan Reremice snagged the Division Championship banner from the Josh Javelineers in the final week of the season, then promptly sent those sacks of shit packing in the first round of the playoffs. Now they face a more formidable opponent in the Foreteller Division Champion, #1 offense in the NPL, Brandon Braggadocios! And the top-scoring offense of the 2020 season wasted no time getting on the ‘board against the visiting Reremice. Just like when he caught his girlfriend cheating, QB Merlin Brando found RB Benny Brandt in the flat. And similarly, Brandt took off in an absolute blur. 78 yards later, it’s pay dirt and 6-0, Braggadocios!

The Reremice defense tightened up after that, shutting the Braggadocios out, much like Merlin Brando did his then girlfriend. The Violet Persons Devourers defense would not let Brando have a peaceful moment in the backfield, tallying a Divisional Playoff record 11 first-half sacks. Add two touchdown passes by QB Fran Ryanton and a scoop-and-score following a Brantley Brandleman fumble, and the Reremice found themselves with a nice lead, going into the half up 21-10.

The Braggadocios gave the Violet Persons Devourers defense a few never-before-seen looks on offense, but they were likely rarely seen by the Brandon offense as well, as they did not work. Not even a little. K Bran Kiksit added the final points for the Braggadocios to close out the 3rd quarter and Brandon watched this one slip away with each second ticking off the clock.

RYAN WINS, 35-13

International House of Pancakes Field in Jerrysville, FL

5:00 PM kickoff. Weather: 72 degrees, Bright, bright, bright, sunshiny day

After years of beating up on each other in the regular season, the Brent BB Cannons and Jerry Jaws-of-Life clash in the playoffs for the very first time! The BB Cannons barely escaped the clutches of the expansion Matt Micropolitans last week, needing a bonus period to snag the W. The Jaws-of-Life, much like Merlin Brando when he caught his girlfriend cheating, were not so forgiving. The visiting BB Cannons couldn’t muster much on offense since the Jaws-of-Life defense was not at all weirded out by the assless-chaps style football pants used by Brent.

Similar to Merlin Brando’s girlfriend, QB Bart Brentleby spent most of the day on his back staring at a bunch of muscular men. After the first half, the BB Cannons found themselves down 21-0. But the third quarter had Brent fans feeling like there was still hope. Brentleby tossed a couple beautiful 25+ yard bombs to WR Brently Brentsworth and vaccine expert, WR Barry B. Beesley. The BB Cannons found themselves down just seven points with 15 minutes of clock to work with.

Frustrated, the Jaws-of-Life committed a number of brutal (yet entertaining) penalties and really got their mojo back. And like a college freshman dating a high school sophomore, Jerry took ’em to school.

JERRY WINS, 45-14

The ‘Bring Him Home’ Dome Based On The National Bestseller ‘The Martian’ in Mirandaport, NY

1:00 PM kickoff. Weather: 65 degrees, Smells like a new car

The Cutthroats got through the Ethan Evil Entities in the Wild Card Round, snagging their first playoff win since 2015, the year they took home the coveted Seer Cup trophy. Could they keep the momentum going and add some more hardware to their trophy case in 2020?

Like when Merlin Brando caught his girlfriend looking like a Newton’s Cradle between two naked defensive lineman, the Cutthroats were also forced to witness a hot threesome: QB Merle Randa, RB Mike Randy, and WR Myron Anda each found the endzone on lengthy runs in the first half, and generally had their way with the Corey defense all game long. Randa amassed a stunning 498 yards passing, Randy added 132 yards on the ground, and Anda pulled in 2 TDs in the air on top of 203 yards receiving. If not for horrible clock management, this game could have been a lot more out of reach for the Cutthroats.

The Cutthroats season comes to a crashing halt at the hands of the Martians. The prompt exit following a lengthy absence from the playoffs has undoubtedly put head coach Coral Coreman on the hot seat heading into the 2021 season.

MIRANDA WINS, 33-12

Ninja Mega Kitchen System Dome in Kevinglewood, CA

5:00 PM kickoff. Weather: 42 degrees, AC unit left on overnight

NPL Title Belt Match!

The Kevin Killcows have been chasing destiny since they joined the NPL back in 2012 and they’ve been especially determined the last few seasons, making an appearance in three of the last five playoffs. But, unfortunately for the Killcows, each of those appearances ended like Merlin Brando’s girlfriend’s affairs when he walked in: no satisfying conclusion and an early departure. This year’s Killcows, however, are hotter than Merlin Brando’s ex-girlfriend’s leaked sex tape and sporting the NPL Title Belt – a bit of extra hardware that invites challengers from throughout the NPL.

The Andrew Androids are basically new to this whole playoff thing. In their 11th season of play, they finally had to cancel weekend plans in December and January. They barely missed their first Division Champion banner and settled on a Wild Card, then claimed their first playoff W against the Steven Sausages in the Wild Card round. Do they have the pre-programmed desire to continue demolishing the organics? No. They don’t.

Much like Merlin Brando’s guess as to the number of men and women that slept with his girlfriend and the actual number, this wasn’t close at all. The Killcows found themselves up by the insurmountable, impossible to come-from-behind-to-win score of 28-3 going into the half. The rest went exactly as it should when the Killcows decided to keep their foot on the gas and drain as much clock as possible.

KEVIN WINS, 34-6