It’s a battle of divisions in the Soothsayer Conference, as Jerry takes on their division rivals, Brent, while Brandon heads on the road to take on Adam! In the Clairvoyant Conference, Corey and Chris host the Wild Card winning Augur Division rivals, Kelly and Ethan. It’s the NPL Playoffs! Wild Card Round!
Big Brothers and Big Sisters Stadium
Brentland, MI
Saturday, 1:03 pm kickoff
Weather: 41 F, Showers
“Jerry needs to reach the 28 yard line to reach field goal range for their kicker, John Jacob Jerryheimer-Schmidt. Art, that’s only, what, a 43 or 44 yard field goal?”
“Yeah, something like that, but I was never good at math, Brick.”
“As many of you are aware, the veteran kicker had his kicking leg amputated three seasons ago following an unfortunate escalator injury. He has since learned to kick with his other leg, planting with his prosthetic, but his range has been limited. Sixteen seconds left. Tie game. Jerry Unitass under center, backs into shotgun. Passing! He fires a bullet to the sideline… tipped! Caught! Out of bounds at the BB Cannons’ forty-six yard line! First down, Jaws-of-Life!”
“Yeah, and for our listeners at home, he did not actually fire a shotgun. That was just a pass. A nice spiral, a bit short of his target, but the BB Cannons linebacker, Bartleby Brentlen, was kind enough to keep it alive so Jim Jim Jerree could haul that one in.”
“Unitass motions the tight end into the backfield. Here’s the snap. Passing… Unitass throws a dagger to the other tight end, Jerry “Jaws” McJerney! McJerney slices and dices his way through the BB Cannons defense down the 13 yard line! Time out called! Chip shot field goal on the way for Jerryheimer-Schmidt!”
“Yeah, and uh, for our listeners at home, McJerney and Unitass are not throwing knives or cutting up members of the BB Cannons defense.”
“A perfectly reasonable clarification, Art. Thanks.”
JERRY WINS, 51-48
Army-Navy Surplus Store Stadium and Shooting Range
New Adams, LA
Sunday, 5:15 pm kickoff
Weather: 63 F, Cloudy
“Adam Bombs clinging to a 36-33 lead here with under a minute left to go. The Braggadocios threatening now, having crossed midfield on that big run from Benny Brandt. First and ten from the 45 yard line. Drew Brandsoe takes the snap… looking downfield… throwing…”.
“NO!”
“Sailed it and it’s picked off!”
“SON OF A BITCH!”
“Graham, we are on the air! Watch the profanity! Adamson is darting through the offense-turned-defense returning the pick!”
“FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!”
“Adamson to the twenty! To the ten! Touchdown, Adam Bombs!”
“NOOOOOO!”
“A risky pass from Brandsoe and it likely ends the Braggadocios season.”
“… The good news is that I still have the under by one point.”
“And it looks like the Bombs are lining up to go for two.”
“FUCK!”
“And Ademma waltzes in untouched! It’s 44-33 with 0:38 left!”
“THEY ARE GOING TO COME AFTER MY FAMILY!”
ADAM WINS, 44-33
Quizno’s Stadium and Earl’s Tire Pavilion
Chrisland Mountain Springs Lake Park, CO
Sunday, 1:08 pm kickoff
Weather: 28 F, Snow
“It has been a disaster of a showing for the Cannibals in this one. But look here, Tony, looks like Chrissen Wentz is coming back onto the field!”
“Figured his day was over after concussion number three, Bill. What is he wearing?”
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“Jesus Christ, Bill. Is that their slogan?”
“Indeed it is, Tony. Oh, doctor! What a collision! And Chrissen Wentz is down again!”
“Etharios comes in from the blind side completely untouched and hits Chrissen so hard you’d expect gold rings from Sonic the Hedgehog to scatter all over the field! He is in a lot of pain, Bill.”
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“Jesus Christ, Bill!”
ETHAN WINS, 37-4
Cutthroat Island
New Coreyland, MA
Saturday, 5:17 pm kickoff
Weather: 43 F, Clear
“Keller Murray running around like a toddler that got a hold of momma’s phone!”
“What a move! Thirty! Twenty! Out of bounds at the eighteen! And the Zeros look to put this one away, in the Cutthroats red zone with a 31-15 lead here in the final six minutes.”
“My eight year old got a hold of my girlfriend’s phone, Tom. He learned what breast implant scars were that day, I tell ya what.”
“Informative as ever, Larry.”
“Yeah, it was a really awkward call with his mother the next day.”
“I can imagine. That pass sails out of bounds, second down.”
“But not as awkward as when he discovered his sister’s LonelyFans account on a school computer in the library. Did you know that ‘Forward to All’ in a school computer sends it to all students, faculty and staff in the county? He was the most popular first grader in history for about a month.”
“…. Kellen Crunchberry up the middle for a gain of three. Third and seven coming up.”
“My daughter got so many new subscribers, she actually quit pursuing her second PhD to go full time on LonelyFans. She makes more in a month than you or I do in a year, Tom.”
“…. Murray completes one to the tight end, Kells. First down and goal coming up from the six yard line…. You… uh… you got that link?”
KELLY WINS, 38-15
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