The Wrecking Balls Cruise to the Seer Cup With Decisive Win Over the Bongos!

The Choco Taco Bowl
Jewel of the Everglades, FL
1:00 PM kickoff
Weather: 83 degrees, smells like fudge

The two hottest teams in the NPL playoffs clash in the Soothsayer Conference Championships! The Samuel Sackbuts have been firing on all cylinders or some other metaphor for playing really well. The offense has been nigh unstoppable in their previous two playoff rounds. Likewise, the Bette Blue Tits played to perfection in their lone Divisional Round performance just a week ago. So what will happen when these two offenses take the field for the Conference Championship? Well, they shit the bed, obviously.

Both offenses were plagued by turnovers in the first half. It was so bad that the Benny Hill music would make a fitting soundtrack to the performances. QB Samuel Colt, who had been stellar thus far, tossed three interceptions in the 2nd quarter, was sacked 11 times, and fumbled twice. Not to be outdone, QB Benny “& the” Betts was not his usual self, throwing two interceptions, losing two fumbles, taking eight sacks, and stepping on a crack and breaking his mother’s back (it’s real!).

The disappointing affair ended in regulation at a frustrating 10-10 tie. But, the offenses came to life in the bonus period, or at least, were able to cover up the mistakes they continued to make. Tipped passes were caught in the endzone for touchdowns. Defenses were dropping easy interceptions. Dogs and cats were living together. Things were wild. When the dust settled, the Sackbuts emerged as nine point winners, but you get the sense that the applause from the 59,832 in attendance that was mostly because they don’t have to watch anymore.

SAMUEL WINS, 31-22

Bangerz Field at the Zyprexa Dome
Las Raches, NV
4:00 PM kickoff
Weather: 66 degrees, lots of drunk folks

The two giant slayers of the Soothsayer Conference managed to pull upsets over the best records in the division last week, defeating DaVena and Jennifer en route to the conference championship. Can they do it again? No, that’s impossible as neither DaVena or Jennifer were invited back for another game. But, Brian and Rachel did show up to play each other, and that’s gotta count for something.

From the get-go, the Bongos clearly did not have they magic they possessed last week. The first play of the game, a draw up the middle, went for a simple 2 yards before the ball was knocked from RB Bryson Brianiman’s smaller-than-average hands and shot 17 yards behind the line of scrimmage. Fortunately for the Bongos, they were able to recover. Unfortunately for the Bongos, they did so in their own end zone for a safety. And the rest of the game progressed something like that.

The Wrecking Balls defense played like a completely different team, like one that really understood game plans, for example. They hardly gave an inch to the Bongos offense all game, allowing just two scores: a 45 yard field goal in the 2nd quarter, and a 58 yard field goal as time expired. The offense, not wanting any blame if they were to lose, managed to add a handful of scores of their own, cruising to, possibly, the easiest victory of the NPL playoffs this season. On to the next!

RACHEL WINS, 27-6