The Sausages Divide the Zeros to Open 2019!

Bailed out by a questionable (at best) overturned ruling of a fumble-turned-incomplete-forward-pass, the Minotaurs pulled the surprise come from behind, overtime win with a 58 yard field goal at the horn. MICHAEL WINS, 39-36

The Reremice haven’t tasted glory, or the lips of a woman, in several years at this point, and the frustration is starting to show in what can only be described as the most needlessly violent defense in recent memory. RYAN WINS, 45-31

The Javelineers and QB JDIII opened the game hotter than this writer’s laptop battery, but the Javs defense was colder than this writer’s sex life. The Bubble Screen offense of the Lychnobites proved too much in overtime! LAUREN WINS, 46-37

The Braggadocios opened up with a lot of hostility toward the JeStErS, as all teams should, injuring 14 Jason offensive players in just the first 9 minutes. But, thanks to loads of illegal drugs on the sideline, the JeStErS were able to recover quickly and put the game away. JASON WINS, 47-32

The Jeri-Cari Rivalry is one of the best in the NPL, and certainly one of the only rivalries that rhyme. The Battle of the ‘I Can’t Decide If We Want To Be Good At This’ Teams is renewed once again, with Jerry falling to the high-flying Bous offense. CARI WINS, 45-31

The A-Bombs were the least impressive offense in the NPL to open the week, netting 91 yards of offense in the home loss, and the LeScavengers did all they could to not get in the way of Adam getting in their own way. It worked. LeSCOOT WINS, 29-14

The BB Cannons were so used to the off-season, they forgot to set their alarms on Sunday. They arrived with only 8 minutes remaining in the 4th quarter, after the Rock-Lobsters had already built a 20-0 lead in Midget T-Shirt Cannon Dodgeball. RICKY WINS, 27-0

The Jennifer Jellyfish are forced to relocate to the township of Emily, while Jennifer recovers from Hurricane Olivia which touched down in late August. The fans of Emily are eager to cheer on a winner, but that will have to wait, as the Juggernauts had other plans. Joel Michael-Jowell Jollsberg, a pre-season hold out, knocked in an NPL Opening Day record 13 field goals from beyond 40 yards. JOEL WINS, 54-31

The Killcows land the last punch in overtime, as they block the tying extra point attempt with 1:39 remaining. As a result, we got to witness the new onside-kick rule in effect: the ball will be shot out of a t-shirt cannon by a dizzy midget while both teams wear blindfolds. The crowd seemed to enjoy the carnage, but Kevin ultimately came up with the ball, and proceeded to run out the clock. KEVIN WINS, 45-44

Another high scoring overtime game for Opening Day. If the NPL can consistently present a product as exciting as this Ballerinas-Cutthroats slugfest, they could possibly dethrone the Midget T-Shirt Cannon Dodgeball League as the 12th most popular professional sports league. DaVena takes this one in dramatic fashion, with a Double Jet Sweep Flea Flicker that went for 41 yards with 0:08 on the clock. DAVENA WINS, 45-40

The Rachel Wrecking Balls were relieved to see that despite going on the road in Week One, it was still pretty much a home game. The Labeorphiles were either in the early stages of drunk or the late stages of hungover. Either way, they did not seem ready to play and the Wrecking Balls wrecked balls. RACHEL WINS, 38-4

The Androids malfunctioned in Week One which does not look favorable for the IT personnel responsible for maintaining an efficient football machine. The Tichorrhines didn’t need the help, but were happy to also get to play Midget T-Shirt Cannon Dodgeball while waiting for the visiting team to show up. TRAVIS WINS, 45-0

The Evil Entities looked to rebound from a disappointing 2018, but the Martians quickly piled up 30 points before the Entities could get on the board. Better luck next season for the Entities, I guess. MIRANDA WINS, 44-30

NPL Title Belt Match!

The Steven Sausages defend the NPL Title Belt against the Kelly Zeros after parading the Seer Cup trophy through the home team’s stadium in front of the home crowd. Rightfully so, the Zeroes were not pleased with that. But that’s the kind of move you can expect from a title-defending Steven Sausages team. They made quick and easy work of the top regular season team of 2018. No reason to panic for Kelly, as they lost their first two games last season before rattling off 12 straight wins. STEVEN WINS, 35-15