The Jaws-of-Life Continue Their Impressive Streak

It was a low scoring affair between the Javelineers and the Baboons, thanks to a combined twenty-three players forced to sit this one out for violation of the league’s No Dick Jokes policy. JOSH WINS, 8-7

The 0-2 Minotaurs finally snag Win #1 of the season, besting the Reremice on the road. The Reremice drop their second straight, after starting the season on a hopeful note. MICHAEL WINS, 28-13

There’s no hotter offense in the NPL than the Jason JeStErS, with journeyman QB, Chase Danchiels averaging over 400 yards and 4 touchdowns a game to start the year. Fortunately for the rest of the league, their defense is dogshit. VINCE WINS, 48-33

The Lychnobites needed a statement game after a weak start in the first two weeks and the Micropolitans needed to be put in their rookie place after winning their first two contests. Two birds, one stone. LAUREN WINS, 29-5

NPL Title Belt Match!

The Jaws-of-Life continue to roll, doubling up the Brent BB Cannons in the middle of their Mask-On-Pants-Off promotion at Brent-Life Stadium. The Title Belt stays with the champ. JERRY WINS, 28-14

The Cari Bous can’t buy a W, which is precisely what they tried to do before this game, offering several million dollars to the Rock Lobsters in exchange for suiting up their practice squad and benching their starters. Somehow, even that wasn’t enough. RICKY WINS, 17-5

LeScoot drops a heartbreaker to the undefeated home team, Brandon Braggadocios, who take their seat on the throne of the Foreteller Division, silently judging the peons that kneel before them. BRANDON WINS, 24-19

“You didn’t see this one on your game film. We call this one the Bette Bounce Back,” said QB Bert Betterman, moments before taking the snap on a fake-‘botched handoff’ play action pass that went 83 yards for a touchdown. Not many are convinced it was by design. BETTE WINS, 26-15

Rookie QB Etua Ethovailoa starts his second straight, but finds himself on the bench before the 3rd quarter ends with a line of 12-for-33, 111 yards, 4 INTs. Ebow took over from there, led the 4th quarter comeback for the tie, then absolutely scorched the Zeros defense for 3 TDs in the overtime period. QB controversy, anyone? ETHAN WINS, 44-21

The Martians and the Wrecking Balls fight for the right to be one of the three teams in the division to be tied for first. Why such intensity this season? And why was that opening sentence so awkward? The season can be suspended at any moment, thanks to the horrendous gambling addiction of all league officials. All. Of. Them. RACHEL WINS, 27-12

The Killcows are what the JeStErS could be if they learned how to play two-way ball. By that I don’t mean offense and defense, but rather Kevin’s tricky tactic of sneaking one player into the other team’s huddle in one of their uniforms. Huge advantage to the defense. KEVIN WINS, 29-14

The Androids were fully charged, updated, upgraded, integrated, migrated, cloud-based, tech word, and ready to rock. Unfortunately, one bug in their programming put them in an infinite-punt loop after their first touchdown and 2-pt conversion. It was a defensive game from there on out. ANDREW WINS, 8-0

The Juggernauts survive the Battle of the 0-2’s. The unfortunate parting gift for the losers, the Chris Cannibals, is the claim to the title of The Last Winless Team in the Clairvoyant Conference. JOEL WINS, 29-13

The Bongos win their second straight by absolutely shutting down the Steven Sausages offense that was near the tops in the league through the first two weeks. The Bongos say, “Sample size, motherfuckers!” BRIAN WINS, 28-0

The Abactors continue to receive their warm welcome to the Sage Division as their second division rival, the Ballerinas, dance all over their bloody, bruised bodies on their equally bloody and bruised feet (have you seen ballerina feet? Ick). DAVENA WINS, 26-6

The placement of these two former NPDL teams into separate divisions when they were promoted to the big league really cooled the heated rivalry. It didn’t take long for that to come back to boiling in PRIIIIIME TIIIIIME! With just over 11 water tables dumped in the course of six brawls, this sets the record for the most wasted water outside of the Nestle company. Only 7 ejections this time around, well off their best of 23 back in 1987. In overtime, COREY WINS, 36-33