The Blue Tits Embarrass the Javs in Prime Time!

The Cannibals faced the most formidable Androids performance yet, but were able to keep their pockets clean and avoid packet loss. Is this enough of a confidence booster to get the Cannibals back on track? Probably not, but it would make for good television! CHRIS WINS, 29-12

The Baboons take advantage of an Adam Bombs team that can’t quite get its footing in 2020. With 17 players opting out, 17 more in contract holdouts, and three leaving the team to tour South Korea as an all-boy pop group, it’s no wonder they’re struggling. BERKENBILE WINS, 29-6

The Braggadocios really want to remain the last undefeated team in the Soothsayer Conference, and figured the easiest way to guarantee a win this week was to poison both locker room’s water supply. Just to be safe. With slightly fewer hospitalized, BRANDON WINS, 18-5

The LeScavengers continue to LeStruggle, despite being one of the top offenses in the league. In another episode of ‘We Did Well, They Did Better’, the LeScavengers simply could not hold off the Reremice onslaught. RYAN WINS, 46-33

The JeStErS continue to light it up on offense, dropping 44 points on the Rock Lobsters. This time, they managed to hold the opponent to fewer points than them, which is encouraging. JASON WINS, 44-24

Don’t look now, but the Cari Bous have claimed their first W on the year. The comeback starts today. First it’s a really crappy win over Vince, then next week it’ll be a slightly less crappy win, and so on. Next thing you know, they’re 6-8 like always. CARI WINS, 10-0

The BB Cannons started off hot, going up 17-0 in the first three minutes of the game. They were promptly shut down and punished by the Lychnobites defense, who tallied two safeties in their dominant-minus-three-minutes performance. Unfortunately, that was their only points on the board in this disaster. BRENT WINS, 17-4

NPL Title Belt Match!

Jerry is hanging onto that NPL Title Belt like they’re using their kung-fu grip (fooled ya there, admit it). The JoL haven’t won double-digit games since 2015 and they’re off to a hot start here. The Micropolitans had a good showing, considering, but just could not hold the lead. JERRY WINS, 36-23

The Jellyfish put a grand ol’ beatdown on the home team Zeros, making no fans in Kellyton when they opted to keep the starters in the game and run a two minute offense, despite a 31-6 lead with 3 minutes remaining. Rude. JENNIFER WINS, 38-6

Last week, rookie QB Etua Ethovailoa got the start and was pulled by the third quarter. Not to be out done, the start went to Ethan Ebow this week, who lasted through the second quarter before being benched in favor of the rookie. This QB controversy would be far more appealing if the Entities were able to make a game out of this one. The Killcows remain undefeated. KEVIN WINS, 28-0

The Abactors are frigid cold, dropping like the surface temperature of Mars, home of their visiting guests. They bring peace. They bring technology. And they bring the Air Raid Offense. MIRANDA WINS, 27-0

The Wrecking Balls emerge as the top offense in the Augur Division, and improve to a 3-1 record while the rest of the division looks on and golf claps in appreciation. That’s three L’s in the first four weeks for the BaLLLerinas. RACHEL WINS, 17-0

The Cutthroats cut down the Bongos before they get too much momentum in the Oracle Division. The win puts the Cutthroats to 3-1 on the year, which is where the Bongos were hoping to be. Instead, they’re unable to expand any division lead they had after last week. COREY WINS, 20-6

The Laci Labeorphiles rebound to a .500 record thanks to this stunning home victory over the visiting Sausages. Now Laci fans can take great joy in watching all the YouTube pundits backpedal and say why knew this upset was coming all along. LACI WINS, 26-14

The Tichorrhines have been slow to get going this year, with one of the worst offenses in the league. They take on the Joel Juggernauts on the road, who played like a collection of kids sitting on other kids’ shoulders wearing giant football uniforms. TRAVIS WINS, 20-5

Two of the original ten teams in the NPL, Bette and Josh have a historic rivalry. That rivalry went on hold when the Ball Bangers franchise was dissolved following the sale to some Oklahoma City douchebag. Now, ten years later, they’re back, they’re rebranded, they’re focus-tested, and they demoralize the Javelineers in PRIIIIIME TIIIIIME! BETTE WINS, 27-5