The NPL is Back, Baby!

QB Joshtin Stubbert could just not keep the momentum from his great rookie season in his first start of his sophomore year. The Jellyfish shut out the Javs offense with relative ease, cruising to an easy victory! JENNIFER WINS, 19-0

In the truest definition of ‘shit show’, the Abactors and Baboons combine for 15 turnovers, 23 personal fouls, six ejections, and three arrests. Fortunately for both teams, some of those turnovers were scoop-and-scores and pick-6’s, while outside of field goals, neither offense reached the endzone. Awful. BERKENBILE WINS, 46-31

The Ballerinas scored on their first drive of the game and opted for the two-point conversion to really demoralize the Minotaurs. It worked. It actually demoralized both teams, apparently, as neither were able to find the endzone after that. Yikes. DAVENA WINS, 8-0

The Micropolitans had a strong showing in their debut season last year and they continue that momentum here with an overtime win against the visiting Corey Cutthroats. MATT WINS, 14-7

The Androids had a good showing on offense, unlike most of the league, but ran into an absolute buzz saw in the Jason JeStErS. Jason piled on with three kick return touchdowns to add to their otherwise stellar offensive play. JASON WINS, 53-13

The Samuel Sackbuts sour an otherwise great game from the Labeorphiles, piling on 47 points in their NPL debut. The franchise, recently merged in from the now defunct Viel Spaß Gute Zeitliga, is off to a strong start despite playing a wildly unfamiliar sport. SAMUEL WINS, 47-23

The Tichorrhines stampede over the Vapulaters in this one, netting a league-best 229 yards rushing. The Three Headed Beast of the Travess brothers accounted for most of the yardage. That’s not a clever name, they’re conjoined triplets. TRAVIS WINS, 38-15

This one sucked too! After battling for 60 minutes, the Braggadocios and Martians spilled into OT at a 7-7 tie. At this point, the fans had left the stadium to beat traffic and get out of the Braggadocios 31-floor parking garage, so they all missed out on Brandon’s late game heroics to pull out the 24-7 win. BRANDON WINS, 27-7

The Blue Tits cooked up a big ol’ Goose Egg for the Ethan Evil Entities, served with a side of touchdown bacon, a stack of interception pancakes, and a nice cold glass of water, because you can never get too much water. BETTE WINS, 28-0

The LeScavengers and Wrecking Balls join half the league on the sinking RMS Shit-anic, taking yet another game into the bonus period. Rachel emerged victorious in this one, outscoring LeScoot 11-3 in the extra frame. RACHEL WINS, 18-13

The Zeros get a big win over the Adam Bombs here, not yielding any points until the final three minutes of the game. At that point, the TV broadcast had already switched to an informercial for a blender-pillow. KELLY WINS, 27-6

In the rare game that can be described as ‘good’, the Sausages get chomped by the Jaws-of-Life after a well-fought skirmish poured into OT. The Jaws-of-Life opened last season with a 7-game winning streak. No one wants to see that again. JERRY WINS, 41-34

Brian and Brent in the Battle of B’s bungled this one, combining for a single-game record of six Pick-6’s – the scoring for the entire game. The only shining offensive performances were both teams combining for 3-for-3 on two point conversions for the affair. BRENT WINS, 23-22

Joel Michael Jowell-Jollsberg was all the Juggernauts needed here, going a perfect 13-for-13 in the overtime win. Rhino Mean, Ricky’s only bright star on offense, managed 138 yards rushing and three touchdowns in the losing effort. JOEL WINS, 39-34

There’s not much more embarrassing than getting shut out, but one thing that would qualify is being shut out by the Cari Bous. Cari gets one of their three wins out of the way early! (I kid, I kid) CARI WINS, 18-0

NPL Title Belt Match!

If you thought the shit shows stopped at Priiiiiiime Tiiiiiiime, then you were grossly mistaken! In the renewal of last season’s Seer Cup, things once again went Ryan’s way over Kevin, but not to the amusement of any fans. Things were so bad that the youth football teams that played at halftime were approached by general managers for potentially playing in the second half. RYAN WINS, 16-3