The Sackbuts Continue Hot Start in their Expansion Season!

NPL Title Belt Match!

The Reremice couldn’t find an answer for the Vapulaters’ “Blitz the Bench” defense, where rather than engaging the offense on the field, the Vaps would charge the opposing bench at the snap. This left the Reremice special teams and defense littered with injuries. The Vapulaters claim the title belt, as VINCE WINS, 16-3

The JeStErS are once again off to a hot start, emerging as the best offense in the NPL early in the season. Of course, like a B-List celebrity, Jason will obviously crash and burn after this fast start off the line. JASON WINS, 26-6

The Micropolitans crush the Minotaurs thanks, in part, to the stadium giveaway of paintball guns loaded with team color paintballs. The Minotaurs had enough trouble stopping the Matt offense as it is, but getting pelted by 30,000 paintballs certainly had to mess with their focus. MATT WINS, 28-6

The Cari Bous get another W early in the year, already doubling their 2020 season total. The Bous have never won exactly two games in a season, so it’s probably best that they stop now. CARI WINS, 18-0

The Blue Tits smash the Rock Lobsters, doing all the scoring for the game by piling on their own points and taking two safeties. Ricky appreciates the less extreme point differential, as it will help in case of a tiebreaker for the #1 pick after they finish near the bottom of the NPL this season. BETTE WINS, 27-4

The BB Cannons thought they had an easy victory in their grasp, after taking a 12-0 lead into the final two minutes of the 4th quarter. But the LeScavengers rallied late, tied the game, beat the BB Cannons coaches viciously following the end of regulation, then took home the W in OT. Good game all around. LeSCOOT WINS, 19-18

Like an alcoholic needing more wine, the Adam Bombs find themselves in the cellar once again. Their 0-2 start has the franchise as the lone team in the Foreteller Division without a win, when one would expect them all to be winless. JERRY WINS, 26-13

In the second half, down 20-0, the Tichorrhines coaches left the game and most of the team followed. When asked about that decision, the Travis coaches said, “Traffic gets really bad around Miranda’s stadium, and our hotel bar has a really good happy hour. Couldn’t afford to miss it.” MIRANDA WINS, 20-0

The Evil Entities fall to a Labeorphiles-esque 0-2 to start the year, struggling to find an identity on offense. Former QB Ethan Ebow made the transition this week to Tight End after the emergence of Etua Ethovailoa as the starter. They connected for 7 catches for 9 yards and no scores in the overtime loss. LACI WINS, 25-24

The overtime period for this game got out of hand fast. The Wrecking Balls and Androids took the game to overtime in a 13-13 tie, where the Androids programming must have missed some logic regarding the OT period. After scoring their go-ahead field goal, 16-13, they completely stopped playing. The Wrecking Balls then piled on 34 unanswered points for the win. RACHEL WINS, 47-16

The Cutthroats were eager to debut their new uniforms, which include stabby spikes over the shoulder pads like Hawk and Animal in The Road Warriors. Unfortunately, the Zeros lived up to their name and had that many players actually show up to the stadium for the game. COREY WINS, 19-0

The Killcows have a good showing here, but the Cannibals looked like real man eaters in the overtime period. After a 24-24 tie, the Cannibals devoured the Killcows offense allowing just a lone field goal. The Killcows fans now have nothing to hold over the Axell Abactors, as they join their division rival in dead freakin’ last at 0-2. CHRIS WINS, 34-27

The Jellyfish offense is still trying to figure things out after switching offensive coordinators in the off season. They once again struggle to put points on the board, but still manage to take the W from the visiting Juggernauts. Joel Michael Jowell-Jollsberg was a perfect 2 for 2 in the loss. JENNIFER WINS, 19-6

The Bongos bounce the Abactors back to the pasture with a big win here, improving to a well balanced 1-1 record on the year. The Abactors will once again address the odd decision to run out an all left-handed offense. How are they finding so many lefties? BRIAN WINS, 29-14

The Ballerinas make easy work of the Steven Sausages here, knocking the home team to a division worst 0-2. After falling to a 0-6 score in the first quarter, the Ballerinas performed a demi-detourné, and returned to their jetê en l’air offense, to glissade to an easy win. DAVENA WINS, 28-6

The Sackbuts were supposed to be a nice easy victory in PRIIIIIIIME TIIIIIIIME for the home team Javelineers here early in the 2021 season, but could not outlast the visiting expansion franchise. Samuel answered each Javelineers score with one of their own and proudly tooted their own horns following the final field goal to take the win. This resulted in a collection of taunting penalties, because the league doesn’t like positive emotion. SAMUEL WINS, 32-29