The Ballerinas and Jellyfish Battle to Remain Undefeated in the Game of the Week

Joshtin Stubbert once again reminds the league why he’s the next big talent at the QB position, following in the footsteps of Javelineers legend, Josh Von Joshershire. Stubbert tosses 5 touchdowns in the shut out victory! JOSH WINS, 35-0

The Minotaurs slap the red asses of the Baboons all over the gridiron today, holding the opposing offense to just 3 points for the day. The Baboons did add a safety in the third quarter to keep things interesting, but not really. MICHAEL WINS, 26-5

The Micropolitans were the new guys in the division last season, but it’s Samuel’s turn to be the shiny new thing this year. Matt apparently took great offense to no longer being the center of attention and completely demolished the Samuel Sackbuts. MATT WINS, 38-0

NPL Title Belt Match!

The Vapulaters hold the JeStErS offense scoreless, and takes two safeties – one at the end of each half – to keep the game within two touchdowns for the Vegas betting that is in no way affiliated with the NPL. The Vapulaters hang on to the NPL Title Belt just a little longer! VINCE WINS, 18-4

The Rock Lobsters shut out the Jaws of Life on the road, but kept the game interesting in the first half, matching Jerry’s non-scoring drives with non-scoring drives of their own. RICKY WINS, 18-0

Cari improves to 3-0 with a big shutout win over the Brent BB Cannons in this one. One would normally say something like, “The Bous are legit!”, but we’ve been burned before. CARI WINS, 19-0

The Braggadocios have one to rub in the faces of their division rivals here. They shred the LeScavengers in the ever-popular “shutout victory” that is trending this week. BRANDON WINS, 20-0

The Adam Bombs needed the bonus period to take this one away from Bette on the road. They piled on 18 unanswered points to close out the game, missing the extra points on three touchdowns thanks to their kicker being sidelined with beef stew poops. ADAM WINS, 26-11

Rachel uses overtime to take out the home team Miranda Martians. The third win of the season for the Wrecking Balls puts them in exclusive company as one of four teams left in the NPL with an undefeated record. RACHEL WINS, 35-22

The Zeros managed to show up for this one, but it didn’t matter much with Etua Ethovailoa finding his groove: 185 yards passing, 3 TDs, 2 INTs, and only took 7 sacks behind one of the most obese lines in the league. ETHAN WINS, 29-6

The Cutthroats wore out the Labeorphiles in regulation, taking the game into the bonus with a 15-15 tie. From there, the Cutthroats abandoned their “hide the ball under your jersey” game plan, leaving the Labeorphiles completely in the dark as to how to defend actual passes. COREY WINS, 34-21

Andrew outlasts the visiting Tichorrhines, piling on 204 yards of rushing on just fake punts. It was an offensive strategy never seen before, and one must wonder if it was a faulty algorithm that made the decision to run it rather than punt, or if it was just a very clever game plan. ANDREW WINS, 26-14

The Sausages hand the Juggernauts their second consecutive loss, with Joel Michael Jowell-Jollsberg once again a non-factor, as he was filming his reality show. Several scenes took at least a dozen takes to get right, resulting in the legendary kicker missing the game. STEVEN WINS, 18-5

The Bongos get the W here over the Cannibals, but much like your mom, it was the definition of ugly. However, they survived the combined eleven turnovers, three severed limbs, and one strip club scandal to emerge as the only team in the Oracle Division with a winning record. BRIAN WINS, 20-9

The Abactors make easy work of the Killcows, knocking the Seer Cup loser even further into Loserville. Since dropping the big game to the Reremice, the Killcows have yet to win a game – the only winless team in the NPL this season. AXELL WINS, 28-5

The Ballerinas and the Jellyfish sure made PRIIIIIIIME TIIIIIIIME interesting! Due to a scheduling confusion, the local minor league soccer teams also reported to the field, as did their fans. With 67,302 fans crammed into a stadium that only has 43,220 seats, it was a super spreader event if I ever saw one. DaVena could not hold off the Jellyfish in this one, thanks to three red cards removing some of their better players. The refs were also confused. JENNIFER WINS, 21-20