The Zeros Defense collects a Zero with a Shutout at Laci!

NPL Title Belt Match!

The NPL Title Belt Curse remains undefeated. The Ryan Reremice, who took the belt from the Matt Micropolitans and defended the belt against the Miranda Martians, has now given up the belt to their former division rival Jason JeStErS. Unlike the previous iterations of The Curse, this one takes a new form: the Reremice were locked out of their own locker room until the final three minutes of the game. JASON WINS, 16-3

It was a duel between young QBs, as Joshtin Stubbert and McKeggle “Mac” Matthews traded scores throughout regulation and overtime. Both QBs topped 300 yards passing and tossed for 4 TDs each, but it was Stubbert that got the last laugh when Mac was pantsed at the 40 yard line by the Javs defense. Stubbert was laughing his ass off. JOSH WINS, 40-37

The Vapulaters may not look like the most dominant team in the statistical categories, but they have managed to hang on with the rest of the Mystic Division and are still just two games back from the division lead through eight weeks. Like Bill Cosby’s dates, the Baboons didn’t offer much resistance to the Vapulaters here. VINCE WINS, 29-0

On the strength of their Top 3 offense, the Minotaurs win their sixth straight, taking down the once red-hot Samuel Sackbuts. Samuel started the year winning three of their first four games as a franchise, but have now lost three of their last four games. MICHAEL WINS, 36-12

The Bette Blue Tits dropped one last week, but rally back to take down the 6-1 Jaws-of-Life. Both teams move to 6-2 and are tied for the best record in the Soothsayer. The Blue Tits heavy use of analytics may be paying off, but the Jaws-of-Life are strictly anti-science, and they’re doing alright too. BETTE WINS, 36-23

Tha Lobstas have quietly rattled off three straight wins, this time taking down the LeScavengers on the road, and now find themselves one game out of first place in the Psychic Division. Rhino Mean, at one time a favorite for the Hall of Fame, finds his career in doubt after emails leak that he’s weirdly into Anime Body Pillows. Like, *weirdly* into it. RICKY WINS, 35-13

Adam Ademma, the franchise RB for the Bombs, is having a great year with 983 yards rushing and 11 touchdowns after 8 games, all after returning from a number of surgeries: both ACLs, both MCLs, a rotator cuff, Tommy John, a Rotationplasty, a Hemispherectomy, and lasik. He adds 219 yards and two scores in this one. ADAM WINS, 17-0

The Androids get the bounce back they were looking for, moving to 3-5 on the year, while helping the Martians skid further into the cellar. Miranda drops their fourth straight and fall to a tied-with-the-other-losers, Clairvoyant Conference-worst 2-6 record. ANDREW WINS, 17-0

The Cutthroats were off to a fine start, 3-1, before the mass failure by one third of the league to show up to their games – Corey included. They dropped three straight including that week, and were on the bottom looking up. Thankfully, they ran into Etua Ethovailoa during one of his trademark down weeks and were able to correct course. For now. COREY WINS, 36-22

Rachel returns to their winning ways, taking down the Tichorrhines to improve to a league-best 7-1 record, matched only by the Jennifer Jellyfish. Travis is experiencing one of the more frustrating seasons in recent NPL history: they’re the top ranked offense in the Auspex Division, yet sit alone in the cellar at 2-6 on the year. Rough. RACHEL WINS, 47-12

The Zeros dominate the Auspex Division leading Laci Labeorphiles, shutting out the home team while piling on when it was their turn to have the ball. They’ve had a rough go in terms of players suiting up throughout their history, but the one year they had all players show up every week they went 12-2 (2018). Something to consider. KELLY WINS, 37-0

The Killcowns couldn’t get it done at home, despite a valiant effort. They drop their 6th game of the season, a far cry from their Seer Cup appearance last season. The Bongos snag the W here, and improve to 5-3 to take the lead in the Oracle Division and are now the only team in the division above .500 this season. BRIAN WINS, 35-21

The Sausages are one of the better offenses in the Clairvoyant Conference, but have lost a handful of games despite great offensive performances. In this particular case, they just happened to run into the top team in the NPL. The Jennifer Jellyfish showcased their #1 offense and improved to a league-best 7-1 record with the overtime win. JENNIFER WINS, 38-29

The Killcows hate to see it, but the Axell Abactors have won two straight and are slowly crawling their way out of the dungeon. They leave the Killcows behind thanks to this dominant victory over the reeling Cannibals, who have now dropped their 4th straight and fall to 2-6 on the year. Ouch. AXELL WINS, 36-12

The Ballerinas are doing their absolute best to hang on to the stinging tentacles of the Jellyfish, and do so with a statement road victory over the Joel Juggernauts. Kicker Joel Michael Jowell-Jollsberg goes a perfect 5-for-5 in the loss, but it was the Ballerina’s twin brother tandem at WR, Dash McVena and Dart McVena, that dominated this one. They combine for 331 yards receiving and 5 TDs, as well as the best hair of any of the numerous twins in the NPL. DaVENA WINS, 46-22

When this PRIIIIIIIME TIIIIIIIIME game was scheduled, most expected these former division rivals to be leading their now separate divisions. Instead, it’s the clash of 3-4 visiting 4-3. But, the 3-4 BB Cannons seemed to recall the team that used to dominate the Psychic Division for all those years, dialing in the top performance of the week. Like a wife that’s not in the mood, they leave Brandon frustrated once again. BRENT WINS, 47-14