Passing. Sideline. Caught. No Flags.

“Michaels… pumps again, to the sideliiiiine… batted up– OH CAUGHT! O’MALLEY! DOWN THE SIDELINE! CAN THEY CATCH HIM! O’MALLEY! WOOOOOOW! TOUCHDOOOOOWN, MINOTAURS! UNBELIEVABLE!”

MICHAEL WINS, 35-32

NPL Title Belt Match!

“Fran Ryanton goes back to pass. He pumps! Now he fires over the middle! Intercepted. I can’t believe what I’m seeing right now. It was intercepted by Tracey Stubber. Near side to the the forty and Jon Ryanson runs him down at the 47 yard line. You gotta be kidding me. I can’t believe what I just saw.”

“Why do you even ponder passing? I mean, you can take a knee! And try a 56 yard field goal! This is not the Rock Lobsters, man, this is the Title Belt!”

JOSH WINS, 47-15

“Here’s a 2nd down and three. Samuel Colt takes it himself. Look at him dart back and forth — OH! He broke his ankles! Now he’s got an entourage and he’s got a touchdown! He is Houdini!”

SAMUEL WINS, 35-16

“Crowd silent now, as opposed to when the Vapulaters have the ball…. Oh, look at this run! What a run! Still on his feet! Has blockers now! He’s dancing his way… for the touchdown!”

COIN WINS, 47-13

“First down, Brent, they trail thirteen to nothing. The screen is INTERCEPTED! Big Jerry Jalopy! Look at him rumble! Forty! Fifty! Watch out, the Earth is shaking! He’s at the thirty! He won’t give it up! Oh, my!”

JERRY WINS, 29-0

“Rock Lobsters special teams unit comes out for kickoff coverage with our friend, the pigeon. And he’s lining up! Is he L2 or L3?”

“I think he’s L4, he’s outside the numbers. He is on cue. Watch him go on coverage. ‘Alright, fellas, go!’ I’m tellin’ ya! Watch him come down to a landing, he’s got contain. He’s going to be the contain guy. Not let anything get outside him on that kick return.”

RICKY WINS, 53-32

“Our Braggadocios better put some people in the endzone, right? I mean, there’s nobody inside the ten. Here it is, the game is on the line! Two receivers left and right! Betts… takes the snap! He steps up! He’s all by himself! Fires into the endzone… CAUGHT! Touchdown! No! Noooooo!”

BETTE WINS, 34-29

“Seconds to go in the game, Adam leads by seven. LeScootersmith back to pass. Eight seconds left. He gets away from the pressure! Fires to the end zone… IT’S CAUGHT! It’s Lester Lescott! Touchdown! Oh, my heavens! Lester Lescott! Welcome to the LeScavengers! Oh! My! Heavens! Lescott’s first catch… has given… the LeScavengers an improbable chance to tie!”

In OT, LeSCOOT WINS, 33-16

“And the cat is… he’s walking to the three… he’s at the two… And the cat is in the CDW Red Zone — CDW, People Who Get It. Now a State Trooper has come on the field, and the cat RUNS INTO THE END ZONE! That is a touchdown!”

ETHAN WINS, 45-22

“Merle Randa lays it up for… Merlancey and it’s incomplete. It–or–did he–He made the catch at the fifteen!? What are they going to rule it? He caught it? Touchdown! He did what!?”

MIRANDA WINS, 37-14

“Into Tichorrhines territory, at the 47. By the way, that squirrel, he’s across the twenty. Getting near the 25. And now he just sits down.”

“See where he squats? He squats in the perfect place.”

“Oh yeah, sitting down in zone coverage.”

COREY WINS, 47-0

“Bouncing ball fielded at the twenty five. Oh, look at this! This is Joe Joellany, the right guard! The right guard! Still going! To the four yard line! Hey, Joe! What’s your career highlight?!”

JOEL WINS, 37-15

“First down and ten, Cringlesworth… GETS THE SHOULDERS SQUARE! Watch out! He’s got ‘gettin’ away from the cops’ speed! Touchdown!”

CHRIS WINS, 26-12

“Somebody has run out on the field. Some goofball in a hat and a red shirt. Now he takes off the shirt! He’s running down the middle by the fifty! He’s at the thirty! He’s bare chested and banging his chest, now he runs the opposite way! The guy is drunk! But there he goes! The twenty! They’re chasing him! They’re not going to get him! Somebody stop that man! Oh… that was the most exciting thing to happen tonight.”

AXELL WINS, 20-6

“Here comes the rush. He sidesteps. Can he throw!? He can’t! The ball flips forward as well – it’s a wild scramble! Two seconds on the clock! Dash McVena grabbing the ball – it is ruled a fumble, McVena has recovered in the end zone! The Ballerinas have scored on the most zany, unbelievable, absolutely impossible dream of a play! The coach is on the field, he wants to know if it’s real! They said ‘Yes, get your big butt out of here!’ He does!”

DAVENA WINS, 47-44

“The clock… is… at zero! At zeeero! Hahaha! Pigs have flown! Hell has frozen over! The Androids have won a game in PRIIIIIIME TIIIIIIIME!”

ANDREW WINS, 26-12