“This team is a bigger pain in the ass than my perineal abscess!”

“So the Javelineers will send out the kicking team for the extra point to tie and force a second overtime period. Here’s the snap. It’s fumbled! The holder has it! Jedidiah Jausch is running for his life! He’s got blockers! He’s to the five! He laterals! He laterals! Johnny Joshlinski takes it in for two! The Javs win in the stupidest way possible!”

JOSH WINS, 18-17

“Third and goal from the six for the Abactors. Down three here with less than 30 seconds on the clock and no timeouts for the Minotaurs. Shotgun formation. Axelrod in motion. Axe Mehrda to pass! INTERCEPTED! It’s going the other way! [Sigh] That’s perfectly fitting. A pick six when a touchdown is needed. The Abactors drop their fourth in a row. What a disaster after such a hot start!”

MICHAEL WINS, 10-0

“The Baboons are going to go for it here on 4th and 11, though I hardly see the point with only three minutes left in this blowout. Third stringer, Barry Berklinder in at QB still after the disastrous showing from the rest of the QB room. Here’s the snap… and Berklinder gets demolished. Is the head coach mad at him or something?”

DaVENA WINS, 26-0

“The Jellyfish at the 36 yard line, threatening another score to move the margin to over twenty points. Whistles now. What’s this? Bats! There are bats everywhere! The players are scrambling to the locker room! Fans are swatting at them with foam fingers! Were the Reremice planning a bat-themed post-game performance or something? What chaos!”

JENNIFER WINS, 20-6

“And the kneel down will seal the victory for the Micropolitans here at home, in a game that will be known less for the on-field product, and more for the poorly planned promotional item: free t-shirt cannons. Fifteen-thousand t-shirt cannons given out and, as one would expect, the fans put them to use immediately on just about anything that would fit. What a mess.”

MATT WINS, 19-6

“Let’s go down to the field to head official, Arty Harhar, for the call.”

“Equipment Violation, defense. Seven players wearing number 42 for the Labeorphiles. 10 yard penalty. First down.”

“Well, it’s about time that’s called. It’s the third quarter.”

LACI WINS, 20-5

“Here’s the second down snap. Aaryn Rick forced from the pocket, scrambling toward his own sideline, looking downfield…. He throws! Intercepted! Or… wait. The officials are meeting. Let’s hear what they have to say.”

“The quarterback stepped out of bounds before the throw. The result of the play is a loss of seven yards. Third down.”

“Oh my God. Y’know, at this point, I don’t even want the Eruption to get the ball back. It’s 24-0. I just want to go home.”

ANDREW WINS, 27-0

“Tichorrhines to punt. Booming kick from Tee Ravliss. End over end, all the way to the 19. Vinceleburg calls for the fair catch. WHOA! He is demolished by three Travis players! Flags everywhere! What’s this? The Travis players are now using the flags as weapons! We haven’t seen that since the 1983 match-up between the Mark Maniacs and the Debbie Downers! What a game!”

TRAVIS WINS, 28-14

[Bottle unscrewing]
[Pouring]
[Rustling with mic]
“And uh… uh… okay. So… Okay, so it’s third [hiccup], it’s third [hiccup] down. Etua is at quarterback, cuz thass fuckin’ workin’, amiright? [Laughs] Y’know wha’, shuddahell up, Elijah! I can say what I wan’ cuz I’m on the radio and no one liss-[hiccup]-ens to the radio no more! An’ I’m juss speakin’ the truth! We suck this year!”

BETTE WINS, 17-0

“The kick is up! It’s gonna be long enough! It’s right down the middle! The LeScavengers do it again! That’s four in a row for the good guys and just like that, we’re no longer cellar dwelling losers! Well, some of us, Bart.”

“Fuck you, Greg.”

LeSCOOT WINS, 31-28

“And this handoff will go to six year old, Louisa Lemonzest, out of Kelly Park. Louisa wants to be a doctor when she grows up. She’s to the 20. Always nice when the other team doesn’t show up and the fans can take the field. She’s to the 15. This touchdown brought to you by Good Plumbing. Don’t be mad. We’re good! She’s to the 10. Christ this kid is fucking slow.”

KELLY WINS, 27-0

NPL Title Belt Match!

“Pick six! Pick six! The Braggadocios are heading the other way! Oh! No! Are you kidding me?! He fumbled it at the eleven! It’s scooped up by Marv Randa! It’s coming back this way now! That’s going to be a pick-six-turned-scoop-and-score that will put Miranda up 32-12! You would feel bad for Brandon, but why bother?”

MIRANDA WINS, 38-15

“Joel Michael Jowell-Jollsberg is coming out of the locker room and I think he means to kick this game-tying fifty-three yarder. We haven’t seen him all day. His understudy, Joey Boots, is a perfect 3-for-3 on extra points, but this is well out of his range. And JMJJ is lining up to kick! Here’s the snap! It’s a bad snap! It hits JMJJ in the facemask! Well isn’t that fucking fitting!?”

BRENT WINS, 24-21

“It’s a handoff to Rhino Mean, up the middle. Whoa! Flags flying in for that facemask! Mean’s helmet is on backwards! It’s on backwards! He’s out of bounds now! He just stiff armed a cheerleader! He’s got a full head of steam now, sprinting to God knows where! OH! That equipment cart didn’t stand a chance!”

RICKY WINS, 18-17

“I tell you this much, if the Cari Bous pull this off, I will eat my Hall of Fame jacket, Doug.”

“It is certainly a longshot, Roger. Down four. 4th and 17 on their own 43 yard line. Carl Boofins in at QB. He’s got the stronger arm and can run. Dumb as a post though. You ever talk to him?”

“Oh yeah, Doug. Guy is a moron.”

“Pass is up! Tipped! CAUGHT! Touchdown, Bous!”

“Fuck.”

CARI WINS, 31-28

“Well, this Priiiiiiime Tiiiiiiime match-up was certainly a dud. No one expected the Jaws-of-Life to suck so bad this year after trading away their draft capital for an undersized mobile quarterback that had a lot of success in his prime. Pair that with a legendary new head coach from the southeast. Recipe for success, right? Nope. Calling this Jaws-of-Life season a dumpster fire would be an insult to dumpster fires, and honestly, at least those keep people warm.”

BRIAN WINS, 18-0