The Bombs Were Perfect, but the Baboons Were Perfect-er!

The Minotaurs offense had a lot of question marks coming into week one, especially due to the number of rookies at skill positions. Rookie WR Mico Khael stole the show in this one, both for his stellar on-field play and for his traditionally worn Scottish kilt.

MICHAEL WINS, 53-41

The Javelineers took the show on the road, cruising past the Abactors for the week one road win. Josh Von Joshershire, Hall of Fame QB turned Head Coach, saw his responsibilities increase this season as he took on General Manager duties as well. So far, so good.

JOSH WINS, 46-22

The Reremice needed the bonus period to knock the sting out of the Jellyfish. Highly touted rookie Ryland Rintyntyn took over at QB this season following the unexpected retirement of Fran Ryanton, who left to expand his franchise of breakfast restaurants, Fran’s Scrambles.

RYAN WINS, 50-45

It didn’t get much better than the showcase that the Berkenbile Baboons put on for the DaVena Ballerinas crowd. The visiting offense never saw a 4th down, tripled the Ballerinas time of possession, and punched it into the endzone seven times in the blowout win, helping the Prohpet Division complete the sweep of the Sage Division in Interconference Week.

BERKENBILE WINS, 64-23

The Androids put the rest of the league on notice last season, taking the division and making a deep playoff run. They continue their winning ways early here in 2024, crushing the Vapulaters at home.

ANDREW WINS, 54-21

The Labeorphiles defense made easy work of the Sackbuts, gifting the visitors a big fat goose egg to kick off the 2024 season. The offense looked alright too, considering many of the linemen were still hungover from the film session the night before.

LACI WINS, 46-0

The Micropolitans took their small town offense into the Corey metropolis and made easy work of the big city boys. Matt coaches said after the game they hit all of their week one goals, including most hot dogs ordered for the visiting team bench.

MATT WINS, 47-32

The Zeros get a week one victory at the hands of the always intimidating Bette Blue Tits. The Zeros defense shut down the visitors’ red zone offense leaving them with blue balls instead.

KELLY WINS, 47-31

The Wrecking Balls balled out over the Braggadocios, putting in an excellent offensive showing in the week one home win. They also experienced a wee bit of a stadium fire after the game, but they were due for renovations.

RACHEL WINS, 53-40

NPL Title Belt Match!

The LeScavengers came out fired up, pulling away early with a 17-0 lead by the end of the first quarter. But reality set in soon after, and the Evil Entities crushed the visitors in a comeback so stunning many of the LeScavengers are considering retirement. Ethan keeps the NPL Title Belt with the win!

ETHAN WINS, 56-30

The Adam Bombs showed their destructive power in this match-up with the Martians on the road. Next to Berkenbile, this was the most impressive offensive showcase of the week. The Martians lowered beer prices in the third quarter as a form of fan therapy.

ADAM WINS, 64-23

The Cannibals hold off an otherwise impressive offensive showing from the BB Cannons at home in week one. Ultimately, it was the decision to paint the field with whipped butter that made the difference in the turnover game.

CHRIS WINS, 55-41

The Sausages sneak past the Rock Lobsters in overtime to take the victory at home to start the season. The defenses set the tone in this one, and they also set an NPL record for most felony convictions among starters. So that’s something.

STEVEN WINS, 36-21

The Jaws-of-Life managed to pry their way out of the clutches of the Juggernauts on the road, to take the win in this high scoring overtime victory. Joel Michael Jowell-Jollsberg converted on all sixteen of his field goal attempts in the losing effort.

JERRY WINS, 55-48

The Bous were lucky they were on the road, or they might have been haunted by boos at home. Word play. Brian wielded the knife in this slaughterhouse, carving up the Bous for some prime venison in this easy win.

BRIAN WINS, 45-0

It’s the Eruption and the Tichorrhines in PRIIIIIIIME TIIIIIIIME for week one! The visiting Erik lived up to their name and erupted for 54 points while shutting out the host. The loss was so embarrassing for the home team that many fans burned their jerseys in the stands. Section 221’s seats were melted in the display. Some say that improved the comfort of the seating, however.

ERIK WINS, 54-0