Rampant Rule Bending Across the League in 2024

Overtime was needed in this match-up between the Reremice and the Minotaurs. Ultimately, it was Michael that showed Ryan that the difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little ‘extra’.

MICHAEL WINS, 28-25

That Baboons hot offense was hot again this week, but they ran into JVJ’s incredibly petty defense, which is known to call out all of the issues of the offensive players, like “I hate that you wear a hand warmer. You play in a dome”. The constant tear-downs were too much for the visitors and the jabs took their toll by overtime.

JOSH WINS, 37-34

The Vapulaters shocked the Micropolitans in overtime, knocking through a 69 yard field goal in the closing seconds of the bonus period to take the one point victory. We don’t have much else to report, as nearly every statement coming from the stadium is, “Sixty nine! Nice!”

VINCE WINS, 19-18

The Sackbuts couldn’t hold back the visiting Eruption, who improved to 2-0 with this road victory. And just like that, Erik is already 40% to their win total from last season. Can they keep the magma flowing?

ERIK WINS, 27-15

It’s been years and years since the BB Cannons did something nice for Jerry for a change. The visiting Jaws-of-Life are known for their end-of-season gifts to all of their division rivals, a favor that has never been returned by Brent. That was until today. Jerry showed up to an empty stadium, except for the field that was converted to the world’s largest ball pit. What a blast!

JERRY WINS, 28-0

The memes were in full effect when the Rock Lobsters defense, still somehow captained by six time convicted felon Ricky Mean, snagged their first safety on Cari’s first drive. The Rock Lobsters snagged another on the very next drive causing a small, but noticeable internet implosion. Cari absolutely destroyed the defense after that, but who is going to remember that? Not me. I’m here for the memes.

CARI WINS, 28-4

The LeScavengers and Blue Tits rivalry is taking shape since the return of Bette to the NPL. This road win for LeScoot moves the needle back to the middle, putting both at five wins in this head to head. LeScoot snags their first W of 2024, while Bette remains winless since dropping the Seer Cup to Andrew.

LeSCOOT WINS, 27-12

On the other hand, this Foreteller Rivalry is decidedly one sided. The Braggadocios still gleefully exercise their bragging rights, improving to 17-6 when facing the A-Bombs. They double up the visiting team in this one.

BRANDON WINS, 26-13

NPL Title Belt Match!

Ethan and Kelly spilled into the bonus period, tied at 15 a piece. Then the Evil Entities unleashed their secret weapon: darkness. The NPL rules state that all games must be played regardless of technical difficulties. When the power failed at Hawaiian Punch Stadium, the visitors black uniforms proved quite problematic and they trounced the Zeros to get the big win.

ETHAN WINS, 40-17

What a heartbreaker for the Martians. They march into Las Raches, Nevada and claw their way back from a 23-10 deficit in the 4th quarter to force overtime. Rachel scored first and things stalled from there. But in the closing seconds, a Martains 43-yard touchdown pass looked to tie the game, pending the extra point. Unfortunately, a lightning strike hit the holder as he caught the snap and that was that. Nature, man. Nature.

RACHEL WINS, 30-29

This rivalry has been back and forth since its inception, but this time it was Travis snagging the win. The Tichorrhines improve to 12-10 when facing the Labeorphiles, but Laci leads the rivalry in cotton candy related assaults, a stat the NPL has tracked since 2011.

TRAVIS WINS, 36-6

Joel could Jugger-not handle the Cannibals on the road in overtime here. Both teams end up with goose eggs in the NPL Annual Orphan Charity Drive, as well, as neither franchise checked their emails in time to get a marketing plan in place for this Week 2 charity match-up. It’s not like you can buy orphans new parents anyway.

CHRIS WINS, 32-25

The Sausages sizzle in this home game against the Bongos. Brian Bongos officials are protesting the game, however, as there was a clear pass interference in the end zone that went uncalled on a pass that may have given Brian the lead late in the 4th quarter. NPL officials countered that mascots are technically not a part of the defense, despite wearing the same jerseys.

STEVEN WINS, 28-15

The Jellyfish have a lot going for them early in the 2024 campaign, leading the league in most offensive and defensive categories. The one category they have not had any luck in improving is wins. They fall again, this time in overtime to the franchise voted Most Likely to Use Trebuchets for Field Goals in a 2023 NPL Readers Poll.

KEVIN WINS, 37-34

The Abactors nearly double up the visiting Ballerinas here. The Axell offense was backed by an explosive kicking game, in which the ball was replaced by an impact grenade. Primed by the kick, the ball would detonate upon landing in opponents territory. NPL officials are wishy-washy on the legality of this tactic, from a rules standpoint, but from a pure violence standpoint it will surely play well in the United States.

AXELL WINS, 27-14

The Cutthroats visit the defending Seer Cup Champion Andrew Androids in this PRIIIIIIIME TIIIIIIIME game! At first, it really lived up to its billing, with both teams going back and forth, matching each others scores. It was then that the Cutthroats realized that the Androids were simply programmatically copying their actions. So the visiting team pantomimed turning their helmets backwards and the home team actually followed that action. It was smooth sailing from there out for the Cutthroats!

COREY WINS, 37-24