The BB Cannons are the BB Cannots in 2024

The Micropolitans bounce back from last week’s loss to take down the undefeated (2-0, but it counts) Michael Minotaurs on the road. The Minotaurs did make it on the scoreboard late in the 4th quarter, with two safeties made possible with pepper spray from the defensive line.

MATT WINS, 18-4

Given the scoring throughout the league this week, this was a crushing loss for the hometown Javelineers. They held a 20-14 lead at the half, but the Sackbuts came storming back like a drunken sorority girl with the ‘X’ on her hand sneaking back into the bar through the kitchen.

SAMUEL WINS, 47-23

The Reremice double up the hometown Vapulaters, and were the only team to win from the Prophet Division this week. The clutch performance moves them into an all-too-early-to-even-matter tie for first place. Vince was yin to Ryan’s yang in this regard – their loss was the only loss in their division this week and they’re eating rats in the cellar now.

RYAN WINS, 26-13

This high scoring affair saw seven lead changes, three players with multiple touchdowns, and… wait. I’m looking at a box score from a few years ago. Yeesh, this one was a disaster. But the Eruption were barely the better team and get the win despite just a horrendous performance from both sidelines.

ERIK WINS, 11-10

The Braggadocios came with a gift of a golden goose egg following Brent’s ball pit gift last week. Jerry couldn’t find the end zone, the uprights, and judging by the performance here, their playbooks. Brandon wins their second straight to cozy up to Adam at the top of the Foreteller Division.

BRANDON WINS, 18-0

The LeScavengers shift back into reverse this week, going for the alternating L-W-L approach to this season, no doubt. They make the Rock Lobsters look ‘okay’ here, giving them their first win of the year to lift them out of the cellar. But we all know the real Rock Lobsters are in there somewhere.

RICKY WINS, 18-4

The Bous and the Bombs played one of the more entertaining games this week. Cari had a fine performance at home, but the Adam Bombs are looking like one of the better offenses in the NPL so far this season and proved too much for the Bous 1-1-9 defense.

ADAM WINS, 26-14

The Androids look like they may be still playing with their helmets on backwards from their Priiiiiiime Tiiiiiiime game last week. The Zeros were only able to suit up eleven players following a mass arrest at a local bingo parlor, and despite those eleven having to play offense, defense, and special teams, they still nearly shut out the competition. Yikes.

KELLY WINS, 16-2

Early season Labeorphiles football is quite inspiring. Take this win over the Wrecking Balls. Rachel came in undefeated, wielding a higher ranked offense, fewer assault convictions, and a better locker room playlist. But none of that mattered to Laci, who absolutely demolished their hosts to move to 2-1 on the year.

LACI WINS, 38-5

NPL Title Belt Match!

It wasn’t pretty, but it was a football game and the beer was surprisingly affordable. After this dud went to OT at 6-6, spectators left with a bad taste in their mouths, full of regrets of money wasted, but it’s possible that was due to the affordable beer. Ethan retains the Title Belt once again!

ETHAN WINS, 15-10

Travis had their most impressive game of this young season, shutting out the visitors like a popular girl that was approached by a bespectacled nerd asking her to prom. Miranda joins the few, the proud, the winless-through-week-three in this young 2024 season.

TRAVIS WINS, 29-0

Both the Sausages and the Cannibals came into this match-up even at 2-0 on the year. Something had to give, and it turned out to be the knees of the Sausages offensive tackles. Eleven sacks later, the Cannibals were looking at an easy victory to stay undefeated and atop the Oracle Division.

CHRIS WINS, 19-4

The Bongos set the bar at eight points in their opening drive, punching in a 2-pt conversion that had the home team fans optimistic. But like a husband hoping for any kind of attention on their birthday, that optimism was hilariously naive. Joel countered with their own touchdown and 2-pt conversion on their next drive. And an eternity later, JMJJ booted the game winner in OT to give Joel their first win of the 2024 campaign.

JOEL WINS, 11-8

The Killcows beat up on the Abactors here, with Kev Cthulu passing for 411 yards and 2 TDs in the winning effort. It marks the first time in Cthulu’s career that he was able to surpass the “40 minutes played without vomiting” mark, but the third time he’d reached 400 yards.

KEVIN WINS, 19-0

The Ballerinas continue to urinate on the Jellyfish sting, pummeling the visitors in a 26-5 victory. Jennifer sits alone in the Sage Division cellar at 0-3, despite having the second best offense in the division. Many are wondering where that offense was today. DaVena snags their first W in the easy victory.

DaVENA WINS, 26-5

Both powerhouses of the Soothsayer Conference entered PRIIIIIIIME TIIIIIIIME feeling like someone spiked their Gatorade: the Blue Tits seeking their first win since posting an L in the Seer Cup, and the BB Cannons looking to bounce back from a scheduling-conflict-loss last week. This one was fairly pathetic in terms of offense, but the overtime period at least offered some excitement. Bette piled on 14 in the bonus period to put this one out of reach and end that horrendous losing skid. Brent remains the only winless team in the conference.

BETTE WINS, 29-18