The Baboons Are Bamboozled Again!

The wheels may have fell off the Berkenbile Baboons bandwagon, bruh. Just three weeks removed from what will likely be the finest offensive performance in the NPL this season, the bandwagon has officially been converted to a struggle bus. That’s three straight L’s, this time at the hands of the not-flashy-but-consistent Michael Minotaurs.

MICHAEL WINS, 17-0

The Reremice were really banking on the injury reports for Joshtin Stubbert to be accurate this time around. Instead, the Javelineers QB played with so much athletic tape and braces, he practically became the football version of Darth Vader: more machine than man.

JOSH WINS, 20-5

The Vapulaters said “see you laters” and took the week off for some team bonding. While they were in Alaska on a fishing expedition, the Erik Eruption capitalized by beating their minor league roster in an easy shutout victory.

ERIK WINS, 20-0

The Cari Bous struggles continue on the road against the BB Cannons. QB Carl ‘Caribou’ Lou’s retirement made way for exciting young rookie Carey Bradshaw, but he missed the game due to the birth of his fifteenth child. With backup Curly McCarousel wrapped up in legal troubles, the team turned to their emergency quarterback, WR Candy McCarisburg. Things went about as well as you’d expect.

BRENT WINS, 38-0

The Jaws-of-Life management got tired of waiting for the offense to struggle, and forced the hands of the coaches to start rookie Jerry Unitass. Unitass struggled mightily, but head coach Jerry Jerficklewick was told to say “He’s our starter going forward.” Thankfully the J-o-L defense was tuned in.

JERRY WINS, 17-6

The son of an NFL legend took snaps in the NPL this week, as the Blue Tits promoted B.J. Tittle to starter this week, after the injury of Barry Bettrinath last week. The Blue Tits offense couldn’t get out of the nest on this one, and the Adam Bombs offense, anchored by aging running back Adam Ademma, was far too much for the home team’s defense.

ADAM WINS, 45-6

QB Lester LeScootersmith and WR Lendleman Lescott were on the same wavelength today, connecting fifteen times on nineteen targets, for 182 yards and four touchdowns. Seriously, they were connected like those weird identical twins that make up their own language and creep out the family at Thanksgiving.

LeSCOOT WINS, 27-4

Marcus Mirandiota looked sharp under center for the Martians in this one, leading the week in completion percentage and number of women swooning in the stands. This one spilled into overtime where the Martians offense kept cruising, while their defense locked down QB Keller Murray and the Zeros offense.

MIRANDA WINS, 51-34

NPL Title Belt Match!

The Wrecking Balls had this one circled on their calendar, and after the first two weeks of the season, this looked like it would go their way. Rachel’s defeat at the hands of the Labeorphiles last week may have taken the swing out of their crane. They got a goose egg handed to them by the Evil Entities, who hold onto the NPL Title Belt for another week.

ETHAN WINS, 10-0

It was a fine showing from the Tichorrhines and QB Travvy Romo, who had little difficulty navigating the defensive algorithms compiled by the home team Androids. The only negative on this game was the Tichorrhines once again forgetting their pants in their home locker room. There were more horns than a ska festival.

TRAVIS WINS, 36-6

The Cutthroats get a big win thanks to the outstanding play of their rookie QB, Cork Cuzzins. The 516 yards passing was easily the best of his young career, and the win evens up Corey at 2-2 on the season. The Labeorphiles, meanwhile, are wondering if Gardner Laceshoes is the answer at QB following this lackluster showing.

COREY WINS, 38-15

The Bongos were able to hold off the late comeback attempt of the Cannibals. World class hurdler, turned linebacker, Brinly Brianfell lept over the center, thanks to well timed elbow drops by the defensive line on the defenseless center. Perfectly legal, it turns out. That put the score at 35-21 with six minutes remaining, but the Cannibals went without dinner from that point on.

BRIAN WINS, 38-21

The Juggernauts didn’t need much, but they didn’t have much help coming into this week. JMJJ, legendary kicker, was asked to assist with designs on a new supersonic jet, an off-season hobby of his. The game therefore rested on the shoulders of QB Joel Lynn Hurts, who got the only touchdown needed to get the W.

JOEL WINS, 8-0

It was a frustrating day for the DaVena Ballerinas. The visiting team’s offense led in all offensive categories aside from points. But apparently that last one is kinda important. Kev Kthulu, however, didn’t have the same struggles in punching the ball into the end zone. His MVP campaign continues as the Killcows win three straight.

KEVIN WINS, 36-23

There are few teams more frustrated than the Jellyfish right now. The offense ranks sixth in the league, yet is the only team in those six with a losing record. They again had little trouble finding the end zone. When the offense was not on the field, players could be seen huddled on the sidelines performing dark magic rituals to somehow hold the lead. It worked!

JENNIFER WINS, 35-13

This Mystic Division rivalry headlines Week 4, putting the Matt Micropolitans on the road against the Samuel Sackbuts in PRIIIIIIIME TIIIIIIIME. All the points in this match-up came from Matrick Matthomes and the Micros offense, who put up 20 for their squad and surrendered two safeties for their opponent’s only points. The highlight of the game was the midfield arrest of head official ‘Double Down’ McDougal for racketeering, which received the loudest ovation of the night.

MATT WINS, 20-4