The Wrecking Balls and Zeros Throw Haymakers in a Priiiiiiime Tiiiiiiime Slugfest!

Thankfully for the Javs defense, who surrendered four touchdowns to journeyman QB Mitchell Trumisky in this match-up, the offense has been able to outpace their opponents, who just seem to play up to the Javs high standards. The Minotaurs really wanted the W here to put distance between themselves and the rest of the Prophet Division, but instead find themselves now locked in a tie for the top spot.

JOSH WINS, 45-30

Like a child that just hasn’t quite figured out wiping, the Baboons are all about the skid. This dominant performance from QB Ryan Rannuphill, to the tune of 441 yards and 6 TDs, reminded Berkenbile of their week one performance, which now seems like a bittersweet memory.

RYAN WINS, 64-33

The Sackbuts get a big win over the reeling Vince Vapulaters to keep them in the hunt in the Mystic Division. They blowout Vince, who drop their fourth straight, with a dynamic offensive strategy built around the jet sweep touch pass. Total air yards: 38. Total passing yards: 418.

SAMUEL WINS, 55-31

While the Erik Eruption have faced the second easiest schedule thus far this season, one must admit they also show up when their opponents bring the heat. It was the Javelineers last week and the Micropolitans here in Week 6, both big time road victories over high scoring offenses. Perhaps their 6-0 record is not fool’s gold after all?

ERIK WINS, 56-39

This game was all about streaks, like the commercials for window cleaning solutions. Ricky had a fine performance, but Brent proved more clutch when this one went into the bonus period locked up at 31-31. The win gives the BB Cannons the good streak, their third victory in a row to reverse their 0-3 start. The loss gives the Rock Lobsters the bad streak, their third in a row to put them in the other bunk down in the Psychic Division cellar with Cari.

BRENT WINS, 39-34

The Cari Bous need to figure out a new offensive strategy. That’s three weeks in a row where the offense has failed to reach double digits in points. They get hunted, shot, stuffed, and mounted by the Jaws-of-Life in this blowout loss, dropping their fourth straight.

JERRY WINS, 46-4

The Foreteller Division popped off on offense this week, each putting up 40 or more points. Unfortunately, they all played each other, so two of those teams lost. The Braggadocios get some help from the officials on this one, who did not see defensive tackle Brantly Brute remove his helmet and club QB BJ Tittle with it as the thrower released the ball on the game sealing Pick 6.

BRANDON WINS, 55-40

The Adam Bombs put on their best performance since their big week one victory over Miranda. Unfortunately, they traveled north of the border to Le Stade des Le Pain des Fleurs in Le Scootlemruch, Quebec, where the LeScavengers decided it was their turn to be the top team in the league… at least for one week.

LeSCOOT WINS, 65-51

NPL Title Belt Match!

The hits just keep coming for the Title Belt wearing Ethan Evil Entities. The third ranked offense in the division improves to 6-0, thanks to back to back weeks in which their opponent simply had better things to do on Sunday. In this case, the Martians were shopping the plant center at the home goods store, looking to spruce up their stadium’s entry ways.

ETHAN WINS, 47-0

The Androids, back from a week off for upgrades and updates, get a solid victory over the visiting Labeorphiles. The timely win puts the defending Seer Cup champions one game out of first place in the weirdly competitive Auspex Division.

ANDREW WINS, 46-13

The Tichorrhines were riding high two weeks ago, entering that match-up at 3-1 atop the Auspex, but two tough losses have brought them crashing back down to earth. The dominant win from the Cutthroats here locks three of the four teams in the division, including their opponent, in a tie for the top spot.

COREY WINS, 65-14

The Sausages wanted to make the division more interesting, so they took the week off from football to focus on their poetry. The Cannibals cashed in, and still put up a damn fine performance against the Sausages’ minor league roster, and moved to 5-1 to pull into a two game lead over the other three teams tied for second at 3-3.

CHRIS WINS, 56-0

It was a fine showing from the Bongos, who pulled out to a 27-10 lead at the end of the first half. But QB Joel Lynn Hurts had his signature game of convincing teams he is a top tier quarterback before falling into obscurity for three weeks before he does it again. The Juggernauts offense was an entirely different beast in the second half and helped Joel get the blowout victory.

JOEL WINS, 64-30

The Abactors offense is still trying to find its groove this season. This is their third okay-ish performance this season, but aside from one narrow victory in week two, okay-ish isn’t going to be good enough. They will need to do better, especially when facing teams like the top offense of the Clairvoyant Conference, the Kevin Killcows. The home team gets their fifth straight W with the big win here.

KEVIN WINS, 44-23

The Jellyfish have been dealt a rough hand in the 2024 season. They’ve performed quite well offensively all year long, but their defense just can’t keep their opponents out of the end zone. That proved true once again, as the DaVena Ballerinas come to town and blowout their division rival to end their skid before it becomes a streak.

DAVENA WINS, 47-21

The fans in Hawaiian Punch Stadium in Kellaikiki, Hawaii were in for a treat in this match-up that brought division rival Rachel to town for PRIIIIIIIME TIIIIIIIME! It was a back and forth slugfest that saw several ejections (of players and fans alike), five career-ending injuries, three ruptured testicles, and one rowdy post-loss riot in downtown Kellaikiki. The Wrecking Balls get the narrow overtime victory on a clutch 59-yard field goal to improve to 4-2 on the season.

RACHEL WINS, 62-59