The Alliance of Fours: 4-4 Records Are the Hot Holiday Gift Item in 2024!

The Baboons have corrected course on offense since Week 5, but now they have to swab the poop deck on their defense, because it’s shit. The Minotaurs bounce back to keep things interesting here in the second half of 2024.

MICHAEL WINS, 47-30

In a game dedicated to the men and women that perished in the Great Tornadofloodquakes that devastated Ryanchester, MN back in September, the Reremice find out the hard way that the Javelineer’s humble 4-3 record is misleading. The top offense in the NPL bests the hosts to finish this rivalry series at 1-1 for 2024 (12-9 in Josh’s advantage all-time, if you were wondering – and I know you were).

JOSH WINS, 44-31

The Vapulaters rose to the challenge in this match-up against the last remaining unbeaten team in the NPL. Unfortunately, the Eruption were even more… risen? They, once again, withstand a crazy offensive output from their opponents to remain… unbeateneder?

ERIK WINS, 51-48

NPL Title Belt Match!

This Title Belt match reminds me of when Isildur lost the One Ring in the Gladden Fields, the marshlands where the Gladden River flowed into the Anduin, and two Stoor Hobbits, Deagol and Smeagol, had a brutally violent conflict over it once it was free of its previous master.

DEAGOL WINS? 57-46

The Bous dipped their toes in the warm water of “double digit points” last week, only to return to their deck chair and open their high fantasty erotica, A Court of Helmets and Shoulder Pads, so they can pretend to not checkout the hot single father doing cannonballs off the diving board. The BB Cannons are hot single fathers of a five game winning streak thanks to this one.

BRENT WINS, 36-6

The Jaws-of-Life went into unpaid overtime (local law, not an NPL thing) to secure the clean sweep of the Rock Lobsters in the 2024 season, and extend their humble winning streak to three. The Rock Lobsters, it appears, felt right at home in the cellar, thanks to Cari’s hospitality, and wanted to stay close to home.

JERRY WINS, 27-24

You can hear the whistling, if you listen closely. Do you hear it? That’s the sound of the Bombs in total free fall. Look out below! The Blue Tits visit the blasting range and come out unscathed as the Bombs drop their third straight dud.

BETTE WINS, 45-30

The LeScavengers bounce back from an aggravating loss last week to Joel to snag the W at home. The visiting Braggadocios fall to 5-3 and remain in first place, but two of those three in the L column? Courtesy of the LeScoot LeScavengers. To quote Coach Harris of Adams College: “Well look at you now; you just got your asses whipped by a bunch of goddamn nerds.”

LeSCOOT WINS, 35-24

For Zeros fans, this is more like it. Stay out of that overtime period, because your team’s conditioning is apparently one step above TikTok comic book reviewers, and take care of business in regulation. They dive bomb the Martians here, and move to 5-0 when they avoid OT.

KELLY WINS, 35-6

There is nothing the Wrecking Balls hate more than losing to Ethan. They get super sour about it. One player, who wishes to remain anonymous, even said, “It’s rather annoying. I don’t like it.” Very strong words, we apologize to our sensitive readers. The visiting team channels that rage and bounces back to close this season rivalry at 1-1.

RACHEL WINS, 45-32

The defending champion Andrew Androids have had some unforeseen bugs and glitches in their 2024 release. They rolled back the production code after a four game losing streak to take two in a row. But the Tichorrhines may have cracked the code. They brute force their way into the endzone five times in the home victory.

TRAVIS WINS, 35-22

The Labeorphiles did their part, claiming victory over the Cutthroats to even their records at 4-4. Both teams, and admittedly everyone at the NPLN offices and most of the fans in the league, were rooting for the Androids to take down Travis. Had that been the case, a four-way 4-4 tie in ’24. Four… real. Bummer it didn’t happen.

LACI WINS, 28-25

The Cannibals outlast the Bongos and do some illegal game hunting in overtime to improve to 7-1 on the year. The Bongos go hang out with the cool kids in the bottom of the division, T-2nd at 4-4.

CHRIS WINS, 41-34

The Killcows get by without Kev Kthulu on the road and improve to a comfortable three game lead in the Sage division. The Kevin QB was at the brain doctor getting his gray stuff poked and team doctors, totally cool with disregarding medical consensus, are hopeful that Kthulu will be back next week, where he looks to break the NPL season record for concussions.

KEVIN WINS, 45-32

It was a cellar battle for the top bunk as the Jellyfish and the Abactors bring their 1-6 records to the yard. Jennifer tries scoring more points than their opponents this week, a strategy they’ve seemed to abandon in 2024, and it works out for the better. The Abactors, like me trying to spell ‘parallelogram’ in the 6th Grade Spelling Bee, have put six consecutive L’s together.

JENNIFER WINS, 40-33

The Sausages and Juggernauts face off in Priiiiiiime Tiiiiiiime in this Oracle Division rivalry dating back 15 seasons (JFC!). The two teams watched with great anticipation to see if the Androids could unite the Auspex Division in an Alliance of Fours with matching 4-4 records, and when that failed, they decided to have some fun with their own records. One wins, the other loses, and both show solidarity to the Alliance of Fours, joining a three-way tie at 4-4 for a little second place party with the Bongos.

STEVEN WINS, 36-24