The Wrecking Balls get revenge on the Bombs in Priiiiiiime Tiiiiiiime!

In a clash from the two top offenses of the 2024 season, 2025 kicks off with Kevin getting revenge on Josh for those fancy new scoring records they didn’t get to claim.

KEVIN WINS, 38-24

The Reremice had this one put away in the 4th quarter, they thought, after securing a first down with 1:27 to go in OT. But a questionable audible led to a ill-timed fumble and the Ballerinas made the most of it.

DAVENA WINS, 38-37

The Minotaurs surge out of the gate and put this one to bed fast. They took an early 35-10 lead and let the subs finish it out. If anything, this highlights a depth issue for Michael.

MICHAEL WINS, 38-24

The Baboons were all over the field, looking like a deleted scene from Return to the Neighborhood of the Township of the Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes, leaving Jennifer shaking their fists at the Statue of Liberty.

BERKENBILE WINS, 35-24

The Eruption dominated the NPL last year for much of the season and they look like they’re back on their ish, much to the annoyance of the Cutthroats in their home opener.

ERIK WINS, 55-22

The Metros offense looks revamped this year, thanks to their NPL record six first round draft picks this April. How they acquired all of those picks without making a trade is under investigation.

MATT WINS, 47-30

The Sackbuts sucked butt in their 2025 opener, traveling all the way to Travis only to get shut out in grand fashion by the Tichorrhines defense. Insert sad trombone sounds here.

TRAVIS WINS, 35-0

The Vapulaters waited until overtime to turn it on. They add 29 points in the bonus period, giving this score a more lopsided appearance than a 1980’s boob job.

VINCE WINS, 62-49

The Zeros were no strangers to the end zone in their home opener. They rain all over the Braggadocios’ parade, despite their solid performance.

KELLY WINS, 53-33

The Evil Entities were delightfully twisted in this match-up, spiking the visiting LeScavengers water jug with ghost pepper concentrate. That really opened things up for their offense in the second half.

ETHAN WINS, 46-24

The Blue Tits are eagerly awaiting the return of eleven of their twenty two starters, who have been held up at the port due to tariff confusion. The Martians capitalize on their roster woes with a big win.

MIRANDA WINS, 36-15

Two of the oldest franchises in the league meet up for only the ninth time in this one. Fans got their money’s worth, watching this spill into overtime, where a gutsy 2-pt conversion sealed it for the BB boys.

BRENT WINS, 33-32

Joel Michael Jowell-Jollsberg kept fans waiting until the last minute before signing another contract. Literally. The deal was inked during the coin toss. He went a perfect 11-for-11 on field goals to start the season strong and the defense came through for the other deuce.

JOEL WINS, 35-23

The Rock Lobsters made a big show of their all new uniform alternates, but the Bongos are not impressed by the wardrobe change. They hold off the visitors in overtime for the home opener win.

BRIAN WINS, 38-31

The Sausages had this one labeled as a “trap game” on their calendar. The Bous, on the other hand, had this one labeled as “Crap! Game?”. That explains their lack of preparation in the blowout loss.

STEVEN WINS, 35-5

NPL Title Belt Match!

The rematch of the 2024 Seer Cup opens up the 2025 Priiiiiiime Tiiiiiiime series, and Rachel gets their revenge! They don’t get to parade around that shiny Seer Cup trophy all season, like Adam, but they did snag the NPL Title Belt in this overtime win!

RACHEL WINS, 41-32