Will the Martians ever win again?

The Bous may wish to rethink their annual Roller Derby Night, requiring all fans and players to wear roller skates. The offensive line just got pushed around and their kicking game was non-existent in the blowout loss to the red hot Javelineers.

JOSH WINS, 46-0

The Rock Lobsters stretched the field in this one, extending it an additional 125 yards (oddly, there’s no rule against this). QB Fran Ryanton set a new NPL record with a 219 yard touchdown run to highlight the big day for the Reremice offense.

RYAN WINS, 38-15

The Minotaurs relied heavily on the hook and ladder in this win over the struggling Jaws-of-Life. They equipped their receivers with large fisherman’s hooks and gave their linemen the versatile Little Giant Ladder to aid in blocking. Worked like a dream.

MICHAEL WINS, 36-24

The Baboons executed on all fronts in this big win that proves the haters wrong about the field conditions at David’s Bridal Dome. Yes, there’s sinkholes, but they’re easy enough to avoid if you’re not drunk like two-thirds of the BB Cannons defense.

BERKENBILE WINS, 56-40

NPL Title Belt Match!

The Vapulaters are the next challengers to enter the ring against the Bombs. Adam has been unbeatable recently, and they prove that here, repeatedly hitting their signature move: 25 Dive for a gain of three.

ADAM WINS, 47-21

Nothing micro about Matt’s revived passing game. QB Mattrick Matomes goes off for 572 yards and 5 TDs, leading the visiting squad to their fourth straight W and an NPL best 6-1 record.

MATT WINS, 47-30

The Blue Tits struggled against the screen pass heavy Eruption offense in this home loss, though the Bette sideline complained throughout the game that the blockers were literally tethered together, like the misfit children of tired parents.

ERIK WINS, 46-30

You might find the Wrecking Balls hugging their knees on the floor of the showers while sob-singing along to Coldplay, longing for the time they held the NPL Title Belt. They lost the belt, and every game since.

STEVEN WINS, 47-32

The Zeros put in another fine offensive performance here, boosting team confidence to all time highs. The kind of confidence that makes you think you can unironically pull off a bowler hat.

KELLY WINS, 56-39

The Evil Entities were winners of four of their first five games of the season, but have hit something of a rough patch, punctuated by a beating from Joel, riding another beautiful performance from Joel Michael Jowell-Jollsberg.

JOEL WINS, 44-32

The Cannibals get a nice, comfortable win here, but so do many who face the Martians this season. Miranda’s lone win was all the way back in Week 1, which has many assuming they’re tanking for that top draft pick.

CHRIS WINS, 35-13

Both the Killcows and the Androids entered this week hoping to secure their first winning streak of the season. The Killcows wore their “recaptcha” alternate uniforms this week, which really frustrated the Androids on both sides of the ball.

KEVIN WINS, 38-24

What happens when the skid meets the skid? Both DaVena and Travis entered this match-up riding frustrating losing streaks of five games and four games, respectively. The visiting Ballerinas were gracious enough to let the home team take this one.

TRAVIS WINS, 26-12

The Labeorphiles topple the home team Abactors in a nice road win that secures them something that has been particularly elusive in their history as a team: a winning streak.

LACI WINS, 37-22

Well, Laci won, so that means the Cutthroats will have to turn it on and make sure they’re somewhere near the top of the division as a counter. Under the sea they went, and made easy work of the Jellyfish for the road win.

COREY WINS, 45-13

The Samuel Sackbuts have quietly put together a fantastic season, but this PRIIIIIIIME TIIIIIIIME game may have put the rest of the league on notice. The LeScavengers have dropped three of their last four and, like a government operative with head trauma, are seemingly still trying to find their identity.

SAMUEL WINS, 37-15