The Vapulaters haze the hosting LeScavengers in dominant show!

The Jaws-of-Life are heavily investing in rabbit feet, horseshoes, and clover patches after a mind-boggling decision to go for a late game fake punt inside their own ten yard line turned into an interception-turned-scoop and score touchdown that took the wind right out of the Javelineers’ tall, handsome sails.

JERRY WINS, 45-31

The Reremice can feel the Baboons, Minotaurs, and Javelineers breathing down their necks as the playoff pictures start to come into focus. They stun the home team BB Cannons in overtime, opting for the 2-pt conversion to win, rather than risk losing in a second bonus period.

RYAN WINS, 39-38

The Baboons took their 5-3 record on the road against one of the weakest teams in the NPL, the 2-7 Rock Lobsters. Unfortunately for Berkenbile, Ricky decided to silence the comments sections online and actually prepare for a game. They pull a big upset here!

RICKY WINS, 28-15

NPL Title Belt Match!

The Adam Bombs rattled off back to back wins after claiming the NPL Title Belt, but the Micropolitans, owners of a five game winning streak and the best record in the NPL, had different plans for the gold plated fashion accessory. They yoink it free of Adam’s grasp in this fine home win.

MATT WINS, 35-24

The Braggadocios have been streakier than dollar store window cleaner this season, but managed to snag a W last week against the Blue Tits. They performed decently enough here, but the Eruption offense was too much to handle, like a dollar store chainsaw.

ERIK WINS, 38-21

The Vapulaters secured their second losing streak of the season last week, but rebound here in grand fashion, dropping a fifty burger on the home team. The LeScavengers offense grows weary of their swiss cheese defense, which has allowed the most points in the NPL this season.

VINCE WINS, 53-33

Conversely, the Vapulaters’ division rival, Samuel, secured their second winning streak of the season last week, toppling the Erik Eruption in overtime. They again needed the bonus period to come away with the win, giving Bette their third L in a row.

SAMUEL WINS, 26-25

After a rough start, Joel Michael Jowell-Jollsberg and his golden leg have rallied the Juggernauts to four straight wins before hosting the Wrecking Balls here. But Rachel is riding high after a big win last week ended their skid. They block JMJJ’s game-tying 43 yard field goal in the closing seconds of OT to escape with the win!

RACHEL WINS, 39-36

The Cannibals couldn’t get it done last week in overtime against the Bongos, and learned their lesson about not preparing for that extra time in a league where OT happens rather frequently. They completely demoralize the Zeros with a 24-7 overtime period that nearly saw these two teams cross the century mark in combined points.

CHRIS WINS, 58-41

The Sausages wanted this one, if only because they like to see the Ethan fans get all indignant about it. But the home team Evil Entities clung to an early first half lead to put an end to their three game skid.

ETHAN WINS, 37-24

The Martians have been struggling to move the ball this year after three of their stars left in the offseason to film the thirteenth season of Beer Ponging With the Stars. The Bongos make easy work of them here, extending Miranda’s losing streak to eight games.

BRIAN WINS, 47-14

The Labeorphiles are agents of chaos, so the Killcows were not quite sure how to prepare for this one. Fortunately for them, Laci lost the keys to the home team locker room, giving the visiting Kevin an early advantage and an easy win.

KEVIN WINS, 35-0

The Ballerinas fans finally breathed last week, after toppling a division rival to end their frustrating six game losing streak. They take the Cutthroats to OT in this one, knocking through a game winning field goal in the closing seconds to keep the good times rolling.

DaVENA WINS, 37-34

A spokesperson for the Abactors said the confusion around the game time was due to daylight saving time, and had that communist plot not deceived them, they would have been back in time from their team photos at JCPenney to face the Androids.

ANDREW WINS, 35-0

The Tichorrhines had been riding a somewhat confident offense, until their quarterback was indicted for insider trading following last week’s win over Corey. The offense just wasn’t the same, and the defense shit the bed like a toddler on Taco Tuesday, giving the Jellyfish the much needed win.

JENNIFER WINS, 37-6

The Cari Bous look to get back to their winning ways, traveling to Michael to take on the Minotaurs and rookie head coach Madd Mikkelson in PRIIIIIIIME TIIIIIIIME! The game started with a whimper for the Bous, whose opening kick caught the wind and went out of bounds at their own 26 yard line. The Minotaurs punched it in two plays later to take the early lead and never looked back, piling on the visiting squad that looked more like their 2020, 2021, 2022, 2023, and 2024 selves in this blowout loss.

MICHAEL WINS, 44-14