Best Offenses in NPL History? No Problem!
NPL Playoffs – Divisional Round
Hot streaks collide as the Adam Bombs visit the Josh Javelineers in Joshville! The Killcows offense looks to continue their success against the Zeros shutdown defense! Can Erik relegate the unworthy Jaws-of-Life to the 300-team consolation ladder? Familiar faces face off in the face of elimination with division rivals Ethan visiting Rachel! It’s the NPL Playoffs – Divisional Round!
Adam vs Josh
NPL Title Belt Match!Javelineer Field and Home Improvement Center
Joshville, WA
Saturday, 1:31pm kickoff
48 F, Windy enough to mess up your hair
“Thirty-seven to thirty Bombs here late in the fourth quarter and the Javelineers are threatening. First and ten from the Bombs’ forty-seven yard line. Joshtin Stubbert in shotgun–”
“What is going on with the… my stupid… this fucking microphone.”
“Eh… and that pass is completed to the thirty-five for another Javelineers first down. The top offense in the NPL has played well enough, but this red hot Adam Bombs squad has–”
“Fucking Christ on a Cracker! Hello? Hello?! Is this thing even plugged in?”
“Some technical difficulties from our sideline reporter here, as the clock is ticking down now. No timeouts for the Javs and just under two minutes left on the clock. Stubbert drops back again–”
“I swear to God, I’m going to kill everyone here, burn this place down, then eat a bullet. What the fuck? HELLO!?”
“We *can* hear you, Alice! The whole country is listen–”
“Shit a goddamn brick and fuck my asshole with it, I can’t… I can’t even… HELLO!?”
“–and he’s in for the score! Pick six for the Bombs and that will likely seal it!”
ADAM WINS, 44-30
Jerry vs Erik
Cardiff Electric Halt and Catch Passes Field and Ciderhouse
Erixborough, MA
Sunday, 5:33pm kickoff
39 F, Patagonia’s are all zipped up
“What a stadium, eh, Kurt?”
“Yeah, it’s fancy. These seats are heated. Ours, not the fans. They can suck it, Trent.”
“Agreed! We also have hot coffee, cocoa, and tea delivered to our seats at the press of a button!”
“Cider too! Again, not for the fans in the stands, just the wealthy people in the press and luxury boxes!”
“Right you are, Trent! Eruption up 51-25, with six minutes left in the third quarter…. I also like this in-stadium app they use for alerts!”
“Yeah! I like that it informs the fans when something good happens so everyone can cheer. They’re passionate here, just not passionate about rules, game play, players, coaches — Ooh, here’s one now!”
The Eruption just gained ten yards which got them across the line to gain. That is what they call a 'first down'. Cheer loud when this happens!
“… and… here… are… the… cheers! Leads to weird delays with the cheering, but it’s better than the confused looks we usually see from this fan base.”
ERIK WINS, 54-32
Kelly vs Kevin
Ninja Mega Kitchen System Dome
Kevinglewood, CA
Saturday, 5:10pm kickoff
67 F, Smells like nachos and popcorn
“Stan, I asked quarterback Kev Kthulu about the breakdown in his contract talks this week, leading into this game. He said, and I quote, ‘Seriously? Right now? It’s a TV timeout! It’s not even half time yet!’. I think that proves to all of us that he might be moving on after this contest.”
“Well, it’s a little early to say –”
“They’re down 25 points, Stan!”
“I mean, Kthulu is under, I believe it’s called a Soul Bound contract, meaning he’s summoned here during the football season, but hibernates in Kev’leh in the south Pacific–”
“Whatever, nerd.”
“That was sideline reporter Gilroy Gillepsie. Thanks, Gil. Jaws-of-Life set to return the punt after we return from this word from our sponsor.”
“Have you ever been a blowhard contrarian with a microphone who always has to be right and correct his coworkers in front of millions of viewers, including the sideline reporter’s wife and kids who already have little respect for his career or him as a man?”
“Gil!”
“Eat an entire bag of dicks, Stan! I bought the ad space! I can say what I want!”
KELLY WINS, 56-24
Ethan vs Rachel
Bangerz Field at the Zyprexa Dome
Las Raches, NV
Sunday, 1:19pm kickoff
68 F, Slight breeze from a desk fan left on in an empty press box
“This has been an absolute disaster, Erroll. I mean… what can you even say?”
“You are right to feel speechless, Heathcliff. It could not be going any worse. It’s no wonder the fans here are laughing at their efforts. They look ridiculous out there.”
“The jeers and heckles are indeed well earned. I mean… just look at this sad display.”
“No team work. No support. They can’t trust each other. It’s a recipe for disaster and this just proves it on a national stage. Absolutely disgusting. I’m disgusted.”
“At what point, Erroll, does someone just take charge and say, ‘I’m going to carry you across that line! We’re getting across that line together!’? I mean… that’s what a leader does. And there’s no leadership down there on that field.”
“And that whistle will end it. Mercifully! That does it for the father-daughter three-legged race and brings an end to our halftime festivities.”
“Coming up in the second half, can the Evil Entities rally back from this deficit?”
RACHEL WINS, 54-15
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