End of the line for the 10-win Wrecking Balls!

David’s Bridal Dome
Berkenbile of Man, NC
1:07pm kickoff
Weather: Thermostat set to 67F

“Quarterback Ryan Rannuphill under center, eyeing that imposing Baboons defense. They’re going to audible here. Eleven seconds on the play clock. Rannhuphill drops back into Shotgun… The snap is high and over Rannuphill’s head! Rannuphill running back to his own 47 and scoops it up like snagging a turd out of the litter box! He’s scrambling, looking down field, launches it… He’s got a man! It’s tight end Ryan-Rybo at the five! He goes in untouched! Touchdown, Reremice! The lead extends to 28-7 here in the fourth quarter!”

RYAN WINS, 35-13

Army-Navy Surplus Store Stadium and Shooting Range
New Adams, LA
1:02pm kickoff
Weather: Three hurricanes accurately illustrating the Three Body Problem

“It has been a wet and windy one today folks, but that hasn’t cooled off either offense this afternoon. It all comes down to this play for the defending Seer Cup champions. Down four with twelve seconds left on the game clock here in the OT period. No timeouts. 4th and 9 from the Eruption 37 yard line. Ademma the single back, QB Aiden Adderall under center, McAdoo in the slot and Adamemsa split out wide. Here’s the snap. It’s a screen pass to Ademma! He fires it back across field to McAdoo! McAdoo tosses it back to Adderall and he goes down field with it! Adamemsa is wide open in the end zone! Touchdown, Bombs! Touchdown, Bombs! Only two seconds remain! What a play! What a gutsy call with the game on the line!”

ADAM WINS, 37-34

Big Brothers and Big Sisters Stadium
Brentland, MI
1:25pm kickoff
Weather: Ice Bullets, Untraceable

“2nd and 2 at the Brent 24 yard line, Javs up by eight here late in the fourth quarter. Joshtin Stubbert, that number 17 jersey stained with blood, paint, and grass, motions out of the backfield and lines up in the slot. Direct snap to Josherman and he’s going to run with it. Whoa! Stubbert just decleated BB Cannons defensive end Brent Burly and that springs Josherman free! Nineteen yard gain and that’ll set up 1st and Goal for the Javelineers… and here comes a penalty flag at the line of scrimmage! And another! Got a little scrap here! Refs separate the players and let’s hear what the head official Dippy Typhlotic has to say.”

[“There are two penalties on the offense. Unsportsmanlike Conduct. Number 17. Taunting. Unsportsmanlike Conduct. Number 17. Fumikomi Geri, otherwise known as the Stomping Kick. Each penalty is fifteen yards, starting from the dead ball spot. The ball will be placed at the 34 yard line. Number 17 has been ejected from the game. First and goal, Javelineers.”]

JOSH WINS, 46-31

Bangerz Field at the Zyprexa Dome
Las Raches, NV
3:28pm kickoff
Weather: A cool 92F outside the dome

“Boy howdy, folks, I just don’t know what to say to all you WreckingBallers listening at home. Rachel had dominated the previous two games this season, sweeping the Evil Entities, and they came into this one as ten point favorites. But they could not figure out that swarming Ethan defense this afternoon. Etua Ethovailoa takes the snap and the hand off goes to Eeky Woods… and he’s gone. That’ll be a 47-yarder to extend the lead to 25-0 for the visiting team. Here comes a penalty flag in the end zone. Woods took off his helmet to celebrate. And there goes the jersey. Whoa! There goes the cleats, socks, and pants! Eeky Woods runs into the tunnel, naked as the day he was born!”

ETHAN WINS, 26-0

Labeorphiles Bottling Plant and Football Arena
Laci Groves, MO
3:33pm kickoff
Weather: Nice but cold, like a serial killer

“Quarterback Gardner Laceshoes back to pass and he’s demolished! His helmet flies off! Whoa! They’re calling this a first down, Laci? What the heck!? Taking a look at the replay now. There goes the helmet – golly, Laceshoes has great hair even after four quarters of football. What product does he use? It’s glorious. Wowzer McGowzers, folks! On the hit, the ball rocketed sixteen yards, end over end like a punt, and O’Lacelman secured it for a first down! That kind of luck has been on Laci’s side all afternoon! Shamalamma ding dong, what luck!”

LACI WINS, 36-21

Ninja Mega Kitchen System Dome
Kevinglewood, CA
5:31pm kickoff
Weather: Dome-like

“Joel Michael Jowell-Jollsberg on to kick the game winner here in overtime. This will be a 68 yarder. JMJJ’s career long at 74, so well within his range. Four seconds on the clock. Snap is a bit high. It’s down. The kick is… blocked! Blocked! The Killcows are going to win it! Who was that?! Number 85! That’s tight end Kevmarius Kill-Cowvinforth III! He bullrushed the edge, took three steps and laid out like Superman to get a hand on it! Oh, my stars! Oh, my heart! My heart! Where’s my pills! Where’s my… p… p… [pained gargling sound].”

KEVIN WINS, 26-25