Can the Cari Bous Keep the Herd in the Win Column?
NPL Week 4 – Results!
The Sackbuts continue to roll with the NPL Title Belt in their hands! Half of the Oracle Division are gifted free wins by half of the Auspex Division! Only one winless team remains! Only one undefeated team remains! It’s the NPL, Week Four!
Samuel Pitches a Shutout to Claim the NPL Title Belt!
NPL Week 3 – Results!
The Reremice and LeScavengers want even MORE overtime! The Sausages, Zeros, and Minotaurs are the last undefeated teams standing, while the Abactors, Juggernauts, and Martians are still searching for that first W! It’s the NPL, Week Three!
Bette Shocks LeScoot in Overtime Thriller!
NPL Week 2 – Results!
The Micropolitans put the Title Belt on the line against a division rival! The Cutthroats get a lot of offense when they only needed a little offense! The Labeorphiles and Androids make extra time for each other! It’s the NPL, Week Two!
Don’t Hit the Snooze Alarm! It’s Week One, Baby!
NPL Week 1 – Results!
The Javelineers and the Braggadocios showcase jaw dropping offenses! The Sackbuts and Zeros clash in a high scoring overtime slugfest! A bunch of nerds ignored multiple reminders about the schedule and didn’t bother to show up! The Micropolitans sought revenge against the defending Seer Cup champion Evil Entities! It’s the NPL, Week One!
The Ethan Evil Entities are your 2025 Seer Cup Champions!
NPL Playoffs – The Seer Cup
[ Slideshow of grainy black and white photos showing the history of the NPL, voice over by game broadcaster Tyke Marico ]
“The Seer Cup. 145 years ago, in a small fishing village on the coast of Norway, an elaborate dodge-ball game with teams of fifty battled in the public square. Over the years, the game would evolve, taking on the look and rules of modern day football, but with all the extravagant violence that was seen in that bloody square so long ago. The prize? A large silver goblet filled with fish and gravy. That same cup, reforged and reinforced countless times, remains the ultimate goal. 144 times the Seer Cup has switched hands and 144 hearts have been broken along the way.”
[ Video: drone camera approach over the coastal shores, the suburbs, the city, and finally into the stadium; shots of fans in the stands, parking lot tailgaters, the super-famous and disgustingly-wealthy in their luxury boxes; voice over by game broadcaster Tyke Marico ]
“And here we are: Stubbtown, Washington. Founded by the creators of the Seer Cup, who emigrated to America to help the natives with ‘the white problem’, Stubbtown is a small coastal city, rich in Norwegian heritage. It is home to the majestic Stubb Field. Remodeled and updated after last year’s unfortunate incident, Stubb Field now holds 144,000 fans of all ages, backgrounds, and of certain income levels. It’s here where our two remaining teams will once again engage in battle for that elusive trophy. The west end zone is painted in blue and red for the Matt Micropolitans, and the east end zone in the black and white of the Ethan Evil Entities.
Now let’s meet our teams. Introducing the Soothsayer Conference Champions, he’s a Teen Choice Awards, Primetime Emmy Awards, and People’s Choice awards nominee, and made a guest appearance in MC Hammer’s ‘2 Legit 2 Quit’ music video – your mother likely had a poster showing him without a shirt on – New Kids on the Block singer, songwriter, and actor… Donnie Wahlberg!”
[ Video montage of the Matt Micropolitans’s season highlights, voice over by Donnie Wahlberg:
“These boys got the right stuff. Step by step, week by week, the gray, red and blue rolled into town and made their presence known. Division title? Check. #1 seed? Check. NPL Title Belt? Check. It doesn’t matter who stands on the opposite sideline. They’ll be hangin’ tough. No team has won more games in a season… and there’s just one more to go.” ]
Tyke Marico: “And now to introduce the Clairvoyant Conference Champions, two-time Image Award winner for Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series, and two-time Grammy Award winner, for Best Rap Performance by a Duo or Group and Best Metal Performance, he’s the star of Law & Order: SVU… Ice T!”
[ Video montage of the Ethan Evil Entities’s season highlights, voice over by Ice T:
“They ain’t flashy. They ain’t pretty. They ain’t gonna light up the scoreboard. But they’ll light up you. You get in their way, they’ll run you over. You try to drag ’em down, they just drag you along. Sure, they lost half their games this season. But every team they played felt it for weeks. Some of them still wake up screamin’. Those guys on the other sidelines might have the accolades, but let me tell you something: when it comes to the Seer Cup… I bet on black!” ]
Tyke Marico: “There they are. The 13-1 Matt Micropolitans in their road white jerseys, white pants, and their gray helmet on the far sideline and the 7-7 Ethan Evil Entities in all black on the near sideline. Coming up next: the singing of ‘God Bless America’, ‘America the Beautiful’, ‘This Land is Your Land’, ‘Born in the U.S.A.’, ‘Yankee Doodle Dandy’, ‘My Country Tis of Thee’, ‘Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue’, ‘God Bless the U.S.A’, and the National Anthem. But first, we have to keep the lights on and keep our broadcast license, so a quick break for recruitment ads from United States Immigration and Customs Enforcement, the United States Navy, the United States Army, the United States Marine Corps, and the United States Space Force. I guess the Air Force is doing just fine.”