Don’t Waste Your Time on Me, This Write-Ups Already the Voice Inside Your Head

The Baboons left the Javs roses by the stairs. Surprises, like showing up with a barely functional offense, let Josh know Berkenbile cares.

JOSH WINS, 16-3

Michael defender, Micky Mourke, talked post game about this tough loss and the need for coaches sticking around and supporting their players. “And it’s happened once again. I’ll turn to a friend. Someone that understands – sees through the master plan. But everybody’s gone. And I’ve been here for too long to face this on my own. I guess this is growing up.”

RYAN WINS, 11-0

The Micropolitans defensive coordinator, Matt Mattison called home prior to the game for advice from XPL coach and father, Mark, for the upcoming game. Mark said, “You gotta turn your back and run now. C’mon son. You haven’t got a chance now.”

ERIK WINS, 28-0

The kick was wide, a sixty seven yard try. The game was over, Vince survived. They couldn’t wait til they got home to watch some tape in the film room alone.

VINCE WINS, 8-7

Every time they face the ‘Bous the shit goes down. Ricky stumbles when the whole thing runs aground. They failed another conversion on an end-around. Every time they face the ‘Bous the shit goes down.

CARI WINS, 19-6

One of the top teams in the league facing a team seeking their first win on the year. What can go wrong? Losing like this is never easy. Said the Blue Tits special teams coach, Duke, “This sick strange darkness…. It comes creeping on so haunting every time.”

LeSCOOT WINS, 20-0

The Adam Bombs fail to put up a single point in this loss to the Braggadocios. Home is such a lonely place without you, offense.

BRANDON WINS, 9-0

The final kick in overtime was about the time that Ethan walked away from the Wrecking Balls. Nobody likes you when you score 23.

RACHEL WINS, 23-22

Kelly officials said that the Martians are not ones they think about, that their match-ups stopped being fun, they just bring ’em down. Miranda officials countered that the future of their rivalry shouldn’t be destroyed by the past. The Zeroes countered with, “Don’t let our door hit your ass.”

KELLY WINS, 18-0

A frustrated Corey defender, Carl Coral, seemingly calls it quits after this tough loss. “But what do I get? ‘Cause I just seem to lose. Games like this make me wish I was playing for the ‘Bous. And playing these games, with these terrible play calls…. Now I give up. So goodbye and so long.”

LACI WINS, 27-0

The Tichorrhines have been warning the NPL of the eventual rise of the Androids. They were sick with apprehension, crippled from exhaustion, and they dread the moment when Andrew finally comes to kill them.

ANDREW WINS, 32-23

With JMJJ sitting out with a case of the burps, it was Joey Boots that was given kicking duties here. Pregame, Joey said, “I dread the thought of our very first kick. A target that I’m probably gonna miss.” He was right.

BRIAN WINS, 9-0

Sometimes Chris sits at home and wonders if Steven’s sitting at home thinking of the Cannibals sitting at home thinking of the Sausages. Or are they just wasting their time?

STEVEN WINS, 9-6

“Hello there, the angel from my nightmare.” The Abactors expected a tough game against their biggest rival, and many were justifiably worried this would be their first loss of the year.

KEVIN WINS, 7-6

Why does it feel the same: to fall on a fumble or break a big run off? And if this sport is just a game, the Jellyfish must have missed the kick-off. Don’t depend on them to ever follow through. But the Ballerinas, they’d go through hell for you.

DAVENA WINS, 19-0

NPL Title Belt Match!

It’s PRIIIIIIIME TIIIIIIIME and we just can’t wait to see Brent and Jerry in their second date. Brent took the first match-up in Week 2, outlasting a solid performance from the J-o-L offense.

This time around we were scared that they both might stink. It makes us nervous so we really can’t eat. (Ooh, wings!) Let’s go! Don’t wait offenses! This game’s almost over!

Honest, these offenses suck so bad, this game will last forever. Forever and ever. This game will last forever. Forever. And ever. This game will last for ever.

BRENT WINS, 12-3