The Auspex Division pummels the Auspex Division!

The Javelineers are searching for answers on defense after dropping their third straight, despite solid offensive showings. The Baboons take their turn, snagging the home W.

BERKENBILE WINS, 44-33

The Reremice and the Minotaurs enjoyed this afternoon’s match-up so much that they had a handshake deal at halftime to try to get this thing to overtime. Fans loved it, especially those rooting for Ryan.

RYAN WINS, 59-46

The Eruption returned to form – by that we mean they showed up – to take down the home team Vapulaters. This division rivalry was a heated one. The stadium’s AC unit gave out two hours before kickoff, so on-field temperatures were sweltering.

ERIK WINS, 36-23

The Sackbuts fans saw two NPL records set in this victory over Matt: most safeties scored (6) and most rows in a single section ejected for foul language in a taunting chant (28). This one’s for you, Section 328, rows A through BB!

SAMUEL WINS, 47-21

The Bous offense is turning heads in 2025. Unfortunately in this game, it was the defense turning heads… as they watched the BB Cannons players breaking for the end zone again and again.

BRENT WINS, 47-33

The Jaws-of-Life were two hours late to the stadium on Sunday, but thankfully the Rock Lobsters were their hosts. Distracted by the t-shirt cannons, Ricky failed to realize Jerry hadn’t taken the field and did not capitalize on an easy first half. The tardy Jerry squad made them pay in the second.

JERRY WINS, 10-0

Bette needed a confidence boost, and the reigning Seer Cup champion was happy to oblige. The Adam Bombs were a dud in this one, mustering only three points on offense, while the Blue Tits offense finally figured things out.

BETTE WINS, 36-5

The Braggadocios won’t be humble about this one. The visiting squad abused the hosts here, eventually working up to a 49-0 lead before surrendering the play calling to online polls. Even that didn’t save LeScoot.

BRANDON WINS, 56-22

NPL Title Belt Match!

The Martians thought they had this game plan locked down, but they did not expect newcomer Racklyn Rachelsmitty to have such an impact at both RB and FS. The rookie also became the first player to be concussed on offense and defense on back-to-back plays!

RACHEL WINS, 44-23

The Androids rolled out their AI-powered football strategy in this one. The creators behind the Androids will need to work on the prompts in order to get better results, it seems.

COREY WINS, 53-6

This renewal of the Laci and Travis rivalry left home viewers confused, thinking the NPL was using a laugh track when Travis was on offense, but that was just the home fans reacting to their team’s play.

LACI WINS, 56-6

Another week, another overtime loss for the visiting Cannibals. Like Joey Chestnut, the visiting squad answered sausage with sausage, but overtime was one bite too many for Chris.

STEVEN WINS, 58-53

To the surprise of many, including legendary kicker Joel Michael Jowell-Jollsberg, the Bongos found a loophole in the rules. As it turns out, there’s nothing that says the field goal uprights couldn’t rotate in place. That one will go to committee this off-season, I’m sure.

BRIAN WINS, 54-31

The Abactors had this one circled on their calendars, because they are a team that still uses paper calendars. The cattle thieves grabbed the bull by the horns, bullying the Killcows to put them out to pasture. There’s a lot going on in that sentence and you’re welcome.

AXELL WINS, 47-14

The Ballerinas have a philosophy of “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” on offense, and put up another solid, but not breathtaking, offensive performance. The Jellyfish, however, tried all sorts of new things avoid whatever it was that happened last week against Axell. It worked!

JENNIFER WINS, 44-23

Etua Ethovailoa somehow managed to stay upright for the bulk of the first quarter before his weekly concussion, this one from putting on a headset, took him out of the PRIIIIIIIME TIIIIIIIME game! The Zeros offense proved too troublesome for the home team’s defense, rallying behind all 4’9″ of Kellyr Murray and his unorthodox sidearm throw for a big second half that put this one well out of reach (like items on the top shelf in Kellyr Murray’s refrigerator).

KELLY WINS, 46-32