Don’t Hit the Snooze Alarm! It’s Week One, Baby!

The Berkenbile Baboons got lost on the way to the stadium. A representative of the team commented that it was because the bus driver was using maps software where every lake, river, landmark, city, and state have been updated via executive order to include “America”.

LACI WINS, 35-0

The Josh Javelineers open the season with a statement road victory, winning by four scores, thanks to the Jump-Pass-Double-Lateral offense installed by the new OC.

JOSH WINS, 54-30

The latest firmware update for the Andrew Androids was crucial in keeping this game close, but the Ryan Reremice would not be denied their opening weekend road victory.

RYAN WINS, 46-32

The Michael Minotaurs made the 1,212 mile trek to face Travis only to find the stadium empty and the gates chained shut. Representatives of the Tichorrhines franchise said they had some issues with autopayments not processing on time and they expect to have that corrected ahead of their next home game.

MICHAEL WINS, 36-0

The rowdy Wrecking Balls crowd was fired up to host one of the top offenses of the Soothsayer Offense, but the Erik Eruption had other plans: the team was accidentally double booked and chose to film their reality dating show this week.

RACHEL WINS, 44-0

The Kelly Zeros narrowly escape a hungry Samuel Sackbuts offense, who chose to kick a 61-yard field goal on 2nd and 1 with 0:13 left to play, rather than try to gain a few more yards for a closer kick. Good news for fans, the double-doink miss won Section 321, Row 3 some double decker tacos.

KELLY WINS, 44-43

The Vince Vapulaters were hoping for an ease in to this season and the Miranda Martians were hoping they had their alarms set for the correct day. One team’s hopes were realized, the other team was not so fortunate.

VINCE WINS, 35-0

The Brian Bongos light up the scoreboard, but the more impressive stat was holding the Adam Bombs offense to just 110 yards of total offense. They had more sacks than a grocery bag hoarder that swears they’ll find a use for them some day.

BRIAN WINS, 46-14

The Brandon Braggadocios open the 2026 season with a big win on the road against the Joel Juggernauts, despite a perfect 11-for-11 season debut for the ageless wonderkicker, Joel Michael Jowell-Jollsberg.

BRANDON WINS, 56-33

The Steven Sausages were ready to grill the visiting Bette Blue Tits, but the challengers have not yet traveled south for the season. Representatives for the Blue Tits said the Sausages spreading bird seed on the field to lure them to the game was “highly offensive”.

STEVEN WINS, 36-0

The LeScoot LeScavengers picked apart the corpse that was the Chris Cannibals B-team, when the pro squad failed to respond to the league office e-vite for their week one match-up. Check your spam folders, folks.

LeSCOOT WINS, 44-0

The Kevin Killcows have injuries at multiple key positions, three starters locked up in legal battles regarding their Oscar winning original screenplay “Centers Do Butt Stuff”, and six players still missing from the company retreat three weeks ago. Thankfully, the Brent BB Cannons franchise is far less organized by comparison.

KEVIN WINS, 20-0

The Cari Bous remembered to stretch before the opener, something they had been overlooking for several seasons, but it wouldn’t matter in the end. The hosting Axell Abactors were still engaged in a high stakes Monopoly game in its twenty-third hour, thanks to CB3 Acksyll Axellion buying one of each color property and refusing to negotiate with other players.

CARI WINS, 29-0

The Jennifer Jellyfish block the game-tying field goal with 0:03 left in overtime to escape Week One with a huge home victory. The Jerry Jaws-of-Life escape Jennifer’s home crowd, who had broken through airport security fences and swarmed the runway to try and flip the visitor’s plane before it departed (as is tradition).

JENNIFER WINS, 36-39

The Ricky Rock Lobsters don’t like handouts, but the DaVena Ballerinas were feeling very charitable in Week One. They gift the visiting team a win and send them home with a bag of goodies, including a 3-day spa retreat and an all-inclusive cruise to the Bahamas.

RICKY WINS, 26-0

NPL Title Belt Match!

The Matt Micropolitans wanted revenge for losing both the NPL Title Belt and their shot at the coveted Seer Cup trophy, and no better place to do that than in PRIIIIIIIME TIIIIIIIME!

The Ethan Evil Entities, defending champs who defied the odds, defied the Vegas money influencing the officials, and defied expectations for a stunning Seer Cup championship, looked to prove that their final win to seal the 2025 season was not a fluke!

Maybe it was.

MATT WINS, 45-21