Berkenbile Outlasts Michael in the annual Mike Drop Rivalry

JDIII and the Javs continue their hot start, clipping the wings of the Ryan Reremice in OT. JDIII scampered for 111 yards on the ground, but it was really 114 yards if you don’t count the three yards lost on victory formations once they took the final lead in the bonus period. JOSH WINS, 53-38

The Baboons did not pull any feces-flinging punches in this one. I’m not even sure if that’s a baboon thing, the feces flinging. But I’m a sportswriter, not an ornithologist. Anyway, despite a heroic effort from the Minotaurs, BERKENBILE WINS, 55-40

The Micropolitans may represent the smaller urban areas in America, but they play with big urban hearts. That sounds weird. Remove the urban from the last half. Why are you still typing what I’m saying? Fine. MATT WINS, 44-31. You’re fired.

Now I’ve gotta type my own write-ups like some caveman. This game was in contention for the Battle of the Suck for Week Two, with terrible performances from both sides of the ball for both teams. The Vapulaters somehow bumped, grinded, and groped their way through this orgy of mediocrity for the overtime W. VINCE WINS, 22-19

NPL Title Belt Match!

The Jaws-of-Life extend their Title Belt defending winning streak to eight games after doubling up the Rock Lobsters in regulation. The chants of “Let Russell Cook” were heard, and Russel Jerraldine was promptly fired as Offensive Coordinator and hired as team chef. With a proper diet, this offense has been performing at a much higher level. JERRY WINS, 46-23

The BB Cannons do not take much joy in pummeling the Cari Bous each year. Brent improves to 8-4 over the Bous, who find the cellar much more lonely when there are only four teams to a division. BRENT WINS, 46-24

The “Tits Out” promotion was not at all what was expected. Rather than a Girls Gone Wild type event that the 72,313 fans were hoping for (those fans almost entirely falling into the 18-25 year old male demographic), the first fans to arrive were instead handed a tiny bird. 25,000 Blue Tits flying around the stadium made it difficult to watch the game and left an awful mess for the stadium clean up crew. LeSCOOT WINS, 64-51

The explosive offense of the Bombs turned into a dud in OT as the Braggadocios scored twice in the bonus period on defensive touchdowns. One of those TDs was a 86 yard pick-six following a triple-reverse, TE pass that was less impressive than the triple-deke in the Mighty Ducks movies. BRANDON WINS, 47-38

The Wrecking Balls are among the highest scoring offenses in the NPL through two weeks, but see their record split at 1-1 after this high scoring loss. The Zeros were able to hold off the home team’s comeback attempt in the 4th quarter to snag the win. KELLY WINS, 54-40

With Ethan Ebow out for the week for a church camping trip, it was up to rookie QB Etua Ethovailoa to see what he can do with the offense. Surprising no one, he was intercepted on his first two passing attempts. But, he settled in after that to lead the Evil Entities over the Martians on 229 yards passing, 3 TDs, and 4 INTs. All told, a phenomenal game from an Ethan QB. ETHAN WINS, 47-30

The Cutthroats needed a morale boost after dropping a close one to the JeStErS last week. Nothing boosts morale better than a Free Win. The Androids waited until the last minute to power down and install updates, leaving them in the dark at kickoff time. COREY WINS, 47-0

The true winner of the Battle of the Suck goes to Laci and Travis, as the Labeorphiles and Tichorrhines were more awkward than how Hollywood portrays the teenage nerd talking to the popular, attractive kids. After replacing their gloves on defense with brass knuckles, Laci began to pull away in overtime. LACI WINS, 27-18

There are some losses that are tough to accept. The Cannibals put up a hell of a fight, clawing back from a 19 point deficit to tie the game at 51-51. But the Bongos, fearing the online backlash plaguing that other league’s Falcons, did not want to be the next joke and managed to hold on to the final whistle. BRIAN WINS, 62-57

The Juggernauts and Sausages both embrace their goose eggs. The Sausages put the egg in the loss column, improving to 2-0, while the Juggernauts find their egg in the win column, at 0-2. That reminds me. Alexa, add eggs to my shopping list! STEVEN WINS, 47-31

The Jellyfish wouldn’t want you thinking they got soft (get it?), and they made sure to send notice the rest of the NPL with this decisive victory over the visiting DaVena Ballerinas. The Pod takes this one. JENNIFER WINS, 45-24

The NPL was excited about this budding rivalry and decided to give them the Prime Time slot for Week Two. The Abactors, however, stunk up the place like their cleats were covered in cow shit. The Killcows dominated this match-up from the opening kickoff to the incomplete pass that closed out the first quarter. With a 44-0 lead at that point, they could just coast to the finish. KEVIN WINS, 54-5