Jennifer and Steven Do Playoff Battle as Two of the Best Offenses of the Clairvoyant Conference!

Totino’s Pizza Rolls Park – Ryanchester, MN
41 degrees, Sunny

Despite their disappointing finish to the year, the Reremice came out firing on all cylinders against the visiting Brent BB Cannons. QB Fran Ryanton scrambled his way through the BB Cannons defense for 43 yards rushing on the opening drive, setting up a 9-yard touchdown pass to WR Ryandy Moss to pull ahead early. The BB Cannons were able to respond on the following kickoff, when speedy kick returner, WR Barry B. Beesly darted 92 yards untouched.

But from that point on, it was basically all Reremice. Ryanton completed 18 passes on 27 attempts in the first half, pulling the Purple and Gold to a commanding 31-7 lead by halftime. The BB Cannons opened the second half with a few trick plays that were both disgusting and inventive, and somehow within the NPL rules on the use of fecal matter. After the ball and field were hosed off, the Reremice defense returned to shutting down the BB Cannons offense and helped the defending Soothsayer Conference champion win their first playoff game of 2017. RYAN WINS, 45-22

Dave’s Cosmic Subs Dome – Ricklanta, GA
89 degrees, Indoor

After years of mediocrity, the Rock Lobsters have somehow found a groove, making the post season for back to back seasons for the first time in franchise history. They haven’t had much success however, washing out in the Wild Card round last season to the Jerry Jaws-of-Life. This year, they host the LeScavengers and hoped to have a different outcome. Unfortunately, despite their 7-7 record, the LeScavengers are the 2nd best offense in the Soothsayer Conference. And the LeScavengers showed just that here in the opening round.

QB Les LeScootersmith was on fire, completing 11 of his first 13 attempts for 183 yards and three touchdowns. The Rock Lobsters defense, led by hot-headed veteran MLB Ricky Mean, had few answers for the play-action heavy offense that traditionally relies on the legs of All Pro RB Le’Scooton Bell. With Bell as a decoy, LeScootersmith was able to tear apart the defense like a poorly trained poodle on a recently reupholstered couch.

The Rock Lobsters found themselves in a 34-0 hole midway through the third quarter and were forced to ditch the running game of Rhino Mean that carried them this far. QB Anton Rikkay Rickman was inconsistent in the comeback attempt, but did manage two touchdowns early in the 4th quarter. However, the LeScavengers defense was able to hold the now predictable Rock Lobsters offense to close out the game. LESCOOT WINS, 34-13

Medusozoa Field – Jenland, OR
27 degrees, Light Snow

Steven hasn’t seen the post season since their previous franchise, the Steven Steamrollers, back in 2010, where they followed up back to back division titles with a Wild Card before being sold and moved off to become the Michael Minotaurs (maybe Steven won on that deal). The new franchise makes their first appearance in the post season, riding one of the better offenses in the NPL. Their 7-7 record entering the post season shows just how bad their defense has been. And so did the first quarter against an equally hot offense in the home team Jennifer Jellyfish.

Jennifer started off with some thunder, scoring on the first play from scrimmage, a 67 yard bomb from Jeff Jenstettler to speedy WR J.Y. Jenton well beyond the Sausages defense. They followed that up with a pick-6 after QB Steven Stevenson’s pass was tipped at the line and LB J.J. Hott snagged it for a 37 yard score. Down 14-0 with only three minutes gone, the Sausages looked lost.

But, Stevenson regained his composure and went to work, completing 22 passes before halftime, regaining the lead with 0:28 left before the break on a 32 yard dart to A.J. Steev. From there, it was all Sausages. Stevenson finished at 37-for-60, 422 yards, 5 TDs and one INT in the victory. STEVEN WINS, 43-23

Our Holy Father Megachurch & Shopping Center Stadium – East Ethansburg, NM
68 degrees, Sunny

The Juggernauts are perhaps the weakest offense to get into the postseason, but that isn’t surprising. They’ve survived off the leg of Joel Michael Jowell-Jollsberg since he joined the team in 2009. Now down to only two packs a day, JMJJ put aside his entertainment industry obsession and has been kicking regularly since Week 4. And he chose a great day to set an NPL record for playoff field goals – taking down the pesky Evil Entities led by QB Ethan Ebow.

Ebow tried. That’s about as much as you can say for his performance. The religious zealot couldn’t get much going in the first half, completing 3 passes on 11 attempts for 19 yards, while RB Eeky Woods and WR Ethan Edelman split carrying duties each notching 60+ yards and a score in the motion heavy rushing offense. Meanwhile, the Juggernauts offense routinely stalled just inside JMJJ’s 70 yard range, allowing him to chip away and eventually overtake any lead the Entities could manage. At halftime, the Juggernauts held a 21-17 lead thanks to JMJJ’s seven first half field goals.

Then, miraculously, the Juggernauts offense managed to find the endzone. HB D’joeysburg McJoellinsen weaved through and plowed over the Evil Entities defense for a 67 yard touchdown. They piled on the points, with JMJJ knocking in five more field goals to end the game a perfect 13-for-13, en route to a massive road victory over Ethan. JOEL WINS, 53-31