“Is this a fluff piece? This feels like a fluff piece,” said WR J.Y. Jenton. “Uh, yeah, I have been trying my hand at knitting. I’ve made a few blankets for my teammates and even knitted my own WR gloves.” Jenton’s drop percentage went up 3% since he started wearing his gloves. Like most of the Jellyfish players, Jenton is looking for a new approach to each game. The struggling Jellyfish offense is among the worst in the NPL and they’re all trying to solve the riddle as to why.
“Yoga. Pilates. Talking like a pirate. I’ve done it all to end an offensive drought,” said QB Jeff Jenstettler. “Yarr, it be a superstition, matey!”
“I’m looking into being a ghost catcher on off days,” offered Jeb Jennisan, runningback for the Jellyfish. “I think the spiritual world could have some answers as to why we suck on 3rd down.”
Jon Jennicker, TE, is trying his hand at competitive baking. “My apple pie will fuck you up, man.” Jeffy McJensburg, WR, has taken up ballroom dancing. “It should be good for my spin moves.”
Whatever the reason, the Jellyfish are hoping this turns around the team that has started 2-3 on the year and has an alarming 13.1% touchdown rate in the redzone.
Said the Jellyfish coaches, “Where the fuck is everyone? We have practice right now.”
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