Josh Takes on Rachel in the Greatest Game on Earth

The Seer Cup – Stubb Field in Stubbtown, WA
Weather: 47 degrees, cloudy
Kickoff: 1:29 pm, Sunday January 21st, 2018

FIRST HALF:

The Javelineers win the coin toss and elect to defer the dance off until the 3rd quarter. But they did choose to receive to get the ball into the electrifying hands of JDIII. The run-and-gun QB didn’t get off to a hot start. Play by play announcer Buck Michaels had the call: “JDIII under center. Two TE’s, Josherman is the single back. He motions outside. JDIII takes the snap. He trips! Scrambles to his feet. Shakes a tackler and fires down field. Intercepted! It’s safety Roy Chell and he’s got blockers! Midfield! 30! He’s gonna go! Ten! Five! Touchdown, Wrecking Balls! Roy Chell took everything JDIII wanted and ran away with it, just like my neighbor took my wife and my life! Goodness! Rachel takes an early 7-0 lead!”

And while the Javelineers were fine giving points to the competition, the Wrecking Balls were completely flustered by the Javs defense in the first half. QB Cyrus Rawkells and the offense struggled to keep drives alive, going 1-for-9 on 3rd down conversions before the break. They tallied a meager 59 yards of offense, but managed to control the clock, leading in time of possession by over nine minutes. Thankfully for the Javs fans, JDIII didn’t need much more than that on their next drive.

“Empty set, JDIII in the shotgun. The young QB scans the defense. Here’s the snap. Throw to the near sideline. Caught by McJoshter. The speedy receiver has a head of steam now! One man to beat! He’s gone! Just like my wife, he’s sprinting toward happiness and leaving me in my underwear eating Count Chocula on a Saturday night! Wowza! It may have been a 4 yard pass through the air, folks, but that’s going in the books as a 61 yard touchdown!”

The scoring stalled from there, leaving the teams deadlocked at 7-7 going into halftime.

HALFTIME SHOW:

Former pop-star turned failed actor turned struggling serious musician turned “Hired for nostalgia only” performer, Dustin Woodpond took the stage and performed to a carefully selected group of beautiful not-actors. He played a selection of hits from his past and worked in a few modern songs that his label paid a fortune to get repetitive airplay on the radio.

SECOND HALF:

It took until the late third quarter, but the Wrecking Balls again were the first to strike. Rawkells found TE Rusty Rakesman, who took the ball and punished the Javelineers defense. “Rawkells finds Rakesman over the middle. He shakes a tackler. And — OOH! He lowers the boom on free safety Jeff Shoea! Rakesman hits Shoea harder than my divorce settlement hit my bank account! Rakesman is still on his feet at the fifteen! Spins out of another tackler and – WHOA! – he takes Jashly off his feet with a stiff arm! He’s gonna get in! Touchdown, Wrecking Balls! What a run after the catch! What a Wrecking Ball indeed!”

Down 7-14, the Javelineers looked to rebound. But a second interception, followed by a fumble, then back-to-back-to-back punts put the Javs in a real pinch with under three minutes left. Thankfully, the Wrecking Balls also struggled in what turned out to be a defensive showcase despite expectations of a high scoring affair between the two best offenses in the NPL.

The Javs received a late punt just before the two minute warning, giving them 88 yards to go with only one timeout. A few quick strikes here and a couple runs there, the Javs were looking at 2nd & 9 with 0:33 remaining when, again, it was veteran WR Jay “Hands” McJoshter that saved the day from the 44 yard line. “JDIII behind center. McJosther in motion. Here’s the snap. Hand off to McJoshter on the reverse! He cuts through the defense and he’s gonna go untouched! They didn’t even come close, almost like McJoshter had enough of their attempts at contact and issued a restraining order on his ex-husband! Touchdooooooooown, Javelineers!”

OVERTIME:

The Javelineers won the toss and chose to receive. McJoshter caught the kickoff two yards deep and elected to return from his own endzone. “McJoshter to the near sideline. He’s got blockers. He’s got a lane. Just the kicker to beat! McJoshter past midfield and he’s gonna go the distance. He’s having a magical day, folks, just like my ex-wife and $@#*^$ Bobby on their recent trip to Disney World with my kids! Hey! Maybe McJoshter will see them there when he wins Seer Cup MVP!”

Up 21-14, the Javs and Wrecking Balls battled back and forth, continuing the defensive showdown. The two teams combined for 3-for-15 on 3rd downs, punting on nearly every possession. With just 0:52 remaining in the first bonus period, after the Javelineers’ punt return man McJoshter got the team to the Wrecking Balls 39 yard line, the Javs lined up for the nail in the coffin.

“It’s Jay Osh coming on for the kick. He was 27-for-31 on the year, perfect on PATs. Just fifty-two seconds left. Looking at a 47 yard field goal. Osh is 7-for-9 from 45-50 yards this season. Here’s the snap. Hold is good. Kick is on the waaaayyyyy… and… good! And just like my ex-wife getting pregnant with $@#*^$ Bobby’s child, this marriage — game! — this game is pretty much over, no matter how bad it feels!”

JOSH WINS, 24-14