The Ethan Evil Entities are the new NPL Champions!

by Chester Curlybush

March 2, 2017

The Seer Cup, a 136 year old tradition that started on the coast of Norway in a small fishing village, was originally an elaborate dodge-ball game with teams of fifty facing off in the public square. The game evolved into modern day football, but the trophy – a large silver goblet filled with fish and gravy – remains to this day. 135 times the Seer Cup has switched hands. 135 times hearts have been broken.

As tradition dictates, the 136th Seer Cup is once again played in the small, coastal city rich in Norwegian heritage: Stubbtown, WA. The majestic Stubb Field holds 120,000 excited fans of all ages, as the brutal powerhouse Ryan Reremice play host to the little-celebrated Ethan Evil Entities, both making their second trip to the big game. ETHAN! RYAN! THE SEER CUP! NFL PICKS LEAGUE CHAMPIONSHIP!

The Seer Cup – Stubb Field in Stubbtown, WA
Weather: 51 degrees, cloudy
Kickoff: 2:05 pm, Sunday February 12th, 2017

The opening kick-off sailed out of bounds, giving the NPL a much-warranted commercial break with 15:00 remaining in the first quarter. After that, it was star tailback Ryan Rinkleman that made the first great play of the game – on the first play of the great game that is the Seer Cup. Rinkleman took a handoff right, cut left, jumped over a would-be tackler at the 27 yard line, and raced the remaining 73 yards to put the Purple and Gold Reremice up 6-0 in only 11 seconds.

Not to be outdone, the Evil Entities answered on their first play as well. Ethan Ebow completed a short pass, just three yards beyond the line of scrimmage – a quick, short yardage pass that relies almost entirely on the athleticism of the receiver. If the Evil Entities were carried by a strong defense and the best coach of all time to 14 Division Championships, this would be enough to call Ebow the greatest of all time. But I digress. It was WR Ed Ethansmith that shook off two tacklers, juked past a third, and stiff armed a fourth en route to a 77 yard score giving Ethan Ebow (#theGOAT) a perfect passer rating to start the game.

Things continued like this in the first half, as neither team missed a beat. TE Ry Ryan-Rybo catches a 15 yard pass for a touchdown. Eeky Woods runs 11 yards for a score in response. Rinkleman scores again on a 31 yard run. Ebow catches a batted pass and scrambles for 19 yards to even things up. At the half, it’s all notched up 24-24.

Soul-Funk-Metal-Polka quartet, A Fish Called Rwanda, wows the Stubbtown crowd with a medley of their hits, including “The Best Years of Our Livers”, “12 Years a Slaver”, “Weirdly Political Love Ballad”, and “I Can’t Divorce My Wife, So I’ll Murder Her Instead”

It wasn’t until the end of the 3rd quarter that either team had a setback. The Reremice committed a costly fumble on 2nd and Goal on the Evil Entities two yard line, setting off many in the Twatter-verse with Twats suggesting the Reremice “#ShouldvePassedIt”. The Evil Entities were able to convert that opportunity into three points via a 56 yard field goal from kicker Eddie Van Eylan.

Again, not to be outdone, Ethan Ebow was more than willing to throw the first of his two interceptions, a pick-six that put the Reremice back on top to start the 4th quarter. Rook Rinladder, troubled kicker, shanked the extra point attempt, leaving the Reremice up by 3 points – a miss that would come back to haunt the Reremice on Seer Cup Sunday.

With 0:23 left in the game and the Reremice clinging to a 37-34 lead, the Reremice sent punter Ryker Ryansboy out on 4th and 1 at their own 38 yard line. Ethan returner, Ed Ethansmith, caught the ball at the 14 yard line and scampered 47 yards nearly all the way back to the line of scrimmage, triggering the Twatter-verse into another hashtag fueled meltdown, this time with messages of “#ShouldveGoneForIt”. At 0:11 remaining, Ebow completed a 3 yard pass off the hands of a linebacker for a 19 yard gain (“#theGOAT”) and the Entities called timeout. Eddie Van Eylan knocked in the 26 yard field goal to send the game to overtime.

The Reremice received the kick and tried to set the tone in the overtime period. They started with a WR-Screen-flea-flicker in which QB Ryan Ryanders aired out a beautiful spiral that was 9 yards short of the target. It was easily intercepted and returned for 6 points for the Entities, who pulled up by 7 with the extra point. The Reremice were able to bounce back to tie the game with 7:04 remaining in the OT period (because the NPL never lets a coin toss decide the big game!), but it was all Evil Entities from there out. Ebow lead three more okay-ish drives, each ending in a field goal, to bring the score to 53-44, and bring the Seer Cup home.

Ethan – Correct: 8, Incorrect: 2, MM off by: 2, Score: 53
Ryan – Correct: 8, Incorrect: 2, MM off by: 11, Score: 44
  • Avatar photo the_commish says:

    Ryan is now 0-2 in the big game! Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, there he goes just crapping a deuce on his legacy.

  • Avatar photo the_commish says:

    What an absolute shit show!

  • Leave a Reply