The Rachel Wrecking Balls Win the 2021 Seer Cup!

by Bernard Bagelbite

February 9, 2022

NPL Playoffs – The Seer Cup

The Seer Cup, a 141 year old tradition that started on the coast of Norway in a small fishing village, was originally an elaborate dodge-ball game with teams of fifty squaring off in the public square. The game evolved into modern day football, but the trophy – a large silver goblet filled with fish and gravy – remains to this day, sans the fish and gravy. 140 times the Seer Cup has switched hands and 140 hearts have been broken attempting to grasp that elusive trophy.

As tradition dictates, the 141st Seer Cup is once again played in the small, coastal city rich in Norwegian heritage: Stubbtown, WA.

The majestic Stubb Field holds 120,000 excited fans of all ages, as the red hot rookie franchise, the Samuel Sackbuts, look to prevent the Rachel Wrecking Balls from finally claiming that elusive Seer Cup trophy! It’s the Seer Cup, 2021!




The Seer Cup – Stubb Field in Stubbtown, WA
Weather: 49 degrees, sunny but occasional hail
Kickoff: 1:34 pm, Sunday January 24th, 2022

It’s been a long road back for the Rachel Wrecking Balls. The Clairvoyant Conference Champions return to the Seer Cup four years after watching the Josh Javelineers lift the cup following their 24-14 victory. But this is an entirely new Wrecking Balls team. Gone are the aging linebackers, bipolar offensive linemen, and heroin-addicted cheerleaders. They’re younger. They’re hungrier. They’re better paid.

And they face the rookie franchise, Samuel Sackbuts. Many pundits and beat writers did not think the Sackbuts would have competed in their division, let alone reach the big game, following their disastrous preseason in which 13 players were arrested for assault for wearing “knife gloves” in their match-up with the LeScavengers. The blades are gone (mostly), the team has matured, and they’re ready for battle. It’s the Seer Cup, where beer is always $4 for a pint!

First Half

With Stubb Field at capacity and the beer flowing like affordable beer, the crowd noise was deafening for the opening kick off. The Wrecking Balls won the toss and elected to receive, presumably to “set the tone”. And they did just that with their first possession: punt. The Sackbuts answered back with a similar outcome: turnover on downs. And so it went for the entirety of the first quarter. But the inebriated crowd, happy to celebrate the one Sunday of the year where public consumption is allowed, was rowdy as ever. When the a portion of the third level collapsed and hospitalized 139 fans, the destruction was answered with thundering cheers. And considering the game on the field was a back-and-forth routine of giving the other team the ball, at least the crowd was having some kind of fun.

The second quarter saw the only scoring of the first half, after veteran QB Cyrus Rawkells connected with WR Ren Rachelsburg for a 39 yard gain to set up a field goal attempt with 0:07 on the clock.

Rachel leads at half, 3-0

Halftime Show

Kpop sensations, Flat U Lance, thrill the crowd with their bizarre lyrics about bears and waffle cones, while performing over-coordinated dance routines. The crowd had no idea what was going on, but they sure seemed to enjoy it!

Second Half

The Sackbuts came out firing in the second half, thanks to the T-Shirt cannons that both teams are required to fire into the crowd before the second half kickoff. As is tradition. The Sackbuts liked it so much, they did it for both sidelines. Good on them! They also seemed to figure out their offense. QB Samuel Colt ditched the long-developing plays in favor of quick slants, curls, and crossers that got the ball into the hands of the shifty receiving group. Colt went 8-for-11 in the opening drive of the second half, before handing the ball to RB Samuel Wanjiru for a 9-yard touchdown run.

To add even more stress to the “dammit, we’re tired of losing in the playoffs!” Wrecking Balls, DB Rock Chellman fumbled the ensuing kickoff right into the waiting hands of the Sackbuts. Colt again made quick work of the Rachel secondary, getting the Sackbuts to a 14-3 lead before the 3rd quarter was halfway done. But it wasn’t all doom and gloom for the Wrecking Balls. They settled down after Chellman elected to kneel the following kickoff. Rawkells put together a similar, methodical scoring drive, going 11-for-11 for 78 yards and the score.

The fourth quarter saw the Wrecking Balls take a 17-14 lead with 2:16 left in the game. The purple and black clad fans really started to make themselves heard during the Sackbuts final drive, but Colt was too much for the Wrecking Balls D. The Sackbuts QB gained 38 yards on a scramble to the Rachel 42 yard line on 2nd & 7, and the two-minute warning stopping the clock. But clutch plays by the Wrecking Balls defense left the Sackbuts looking at 4th & 8 from the Rachel 40, leaving a less-than-desirable 57-yard field goal to tie. The Sackbuts elected to go for it. Here’s the call by the Sackbuts radio broadcast team:

“And here we go! The Sackbuts are going for it. No timeouts, 0:18 left on the clock. Colt in shotgun, Wanjiru the lone back. Three wide right. Here’s the snap! Colt going deep! It’s… caught! It’s the rookie, Sam Clafin! He’s down at the six and the Sackbuts are scrambling to the line to stop the clock! The snap… spiked! It’s 1st & Goal with 0:04 left to go and you have to think they’re going to kick it here. They are! Here comes the kicking team!”

End of regulation, all tied up 17-17.


The Sackbuts win the toss and elect to receive. But in the NPL, no one can hear you scream. I mean, this isn’t sudden death. Colt quickly marched down the field and scored the go-head score in a brief, three minute drive. But Rachel responded, with the QB Rawkells catching a 19-yard game-tying touchdown off a double-reverse, Statue-of-Liberty, Fumblerooski, halfback option pass. Completely confident, the Wrecking Balls added a 2-pt conversion to take the one point lead.

The Sackbuts stalled on the next drive and punted. And Rachel scored again, this time a field goal, to go up 28-24. The Sackbuts high fived and fist bumped and did the Electric Slide on the sideline after WR Sam Clafin again captivated the, at this point, heavily intoxicated Stubb Field crowd. Clafin took the kickoff 59 yards out of the end zone with only 1:29 remaining in the game. Looking to stun the Wrecking Balls again, Samuel Colt dropped back to pass. Rachel radio announcer, Rod Rachey, with the call:

“3rd and 6 now. Colt in shotgun for the Sackbuts. Here’s the snap… and he’ll look to pass. He’s got a man down the sideline! It’s… tipped! It’s tipped and intercepted! It’s number thirty one, Rachelman! He’s got blockers! He’s going to try to score this! He’s across midfield, only the QB to beat! He’s going to go the distance! Touchdooooooooown, Wrecking Balls!”


Game decided by the Monday Madness Tiebreaker!
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