The Ryan Reremice are 2020 NPL Seer Cup Champions!

by Lauren Ipsum

February 6, 2021

NPL Playoffs – The Seer Cup

The Seer Cup, a 140 year old tradition that started on the coast of Norway in a small fishing village, was originally an elaborate dodge-ball game with teams of fifty squaring off in the public square. The game evolved into modern day football, but the trophy – a large silver goblet filled with fish and gravy – remains to this day, sans the fish and gravy. 139 times the Seer Cup has switched hands and 139 hearts have been broken attempting to grasp that elusive trophy.

As tradition dictates, the 140th Seer Cup is once again played in the small, coastal city rich in Norwegian heritage: Stubbtown, WA.

The majestic Stubb Field holds 120,000 excited fans of all ages, as the red hot Ryan Reremice clash against the stout Kevin Killcows. REREMICE! KILLCOWS! It’s the Seer Cup, 2020!


The Seer Cup – Stubb Field in Stubbtown, WA
Weather: 56 degrees, foggy
Kickoff: 1:18 pm, Sunday January 24th, 2021

12:52pm, NPL Network Pregame Show:

Evee Bubblebutt: “Now we’re looking at the 9-5 Ryan Reremice, coming in hot and with a regular season record that is, maybe, not quite as reflective of their dominance on the field these last couple months. What are your thoughts on the Reremice, Stephen A?

Stephen A. Smiff:“Well, FIRST OF ALL, and I’m saying this from the heart — look, Fran Ryanton is a close, PERSONAL friend of mine — and like I always say — Skip, Evee, you know I always say this — it’s like I always say, ‘The team with the BIGGER NUMBER on the scoreboard is the BEST TEAM that day!’ and I think we can all agree on that!”

Evee Bubblebutt:“….”

Skip Brainless:“….”

Stephen A. Smiff:“….”

Evee Bubblebutt:“Right. Any thoughts on the Seer Cup?”

Stephen A. Smiff:“Listen, it’s absolutely RIDICULOUS to come in here and think — and I say, y’know, I say, ‘An ATHLETE is an ATHLETE and will be an ATHLETE when the time comes!’ And that’s what they’re going to come in here and do TODAY!”

Evee Bubblebutt:“Okeedokee. Skip, what are your thoughts on the Reremice coming in here with the Violet Persons Devourers defense of theirs, taking on one of the top seeds in the NPL? Fran Ryanton leads all NPL QBs in ‘Height Adjusted Wellness Ratio’, which can’t be downplayed.”

Skip Brainless:“I want to touch on something my colleague here said: the team with the bigger number is the best team. I’ve got some big numbers for the Reremice fans that are coming in here thinking they’re going to upset the Killcows. 14. That’s the shoe size of Kev Kthulu. Ryanton? Wears a 12. Kthulu has a 34-inch inseam. Ryanton is at a meager 32 inches. These things cannot be ignored. They cannot be ignored. Listen… these things cannot be ignored.”

Evee Bubblebutt:“Okay.”

Skip Brainless:“You know what I’m getting at, obviously. So I think the outcome is pretty much determined now. It’s not going to be close.”

Stephen A. Smiff:“Pfff! Inseam? Shoe size? Listen, FIRST OF ALL–“

Evee Bubblebutt:“We don’t have time for this. My pick: Ryan Reremice pull it off, 28-14.”

Skip Brainless:“Well, they don’t pay you for your predictions, so–“

Stephen A. Smiff:“–I’m a CLOSE, PERSONAL friend of myself, so–“

Halftime Score: 14-7, Ryan Reremice

3:08pm, NPL Network Halftime Show:

Evee Bubblebutt:“Alright, gentlemen. You both failed to get a prediction out in our pregame show, but my prediction is looking pretty good so far! Ryanton, despite his disadvantage in shoe size and inseam, has a higher completion percentage, more yards, more touchdowns, and hasn’t been sacked. Skip, you seem to imply that Kthulu would have the better game. What say you?”

Skip Brainless:“Well, don’t go putting words in my mouth. I never said Kthulu would have the better game. Truth be told, I was a Ryanton guy from the day he was drafted by the Reremice. He’s a great player and a good friend. And he’s doing exactly what I predicted. If you, you or Stephen A, actually listened to me, you’d realize that.”

Stephen A. Smiff:“Skip! SKIIIIP! Come on, man! Listen, FIRST OF ALL, I ABSOLUTELY outlined why we’d be sitting HERE at halftime discussing why Evee’s prediction is as far off as it is! Now, hear me out! Hear me out, Evee! LISTEN EVEE!”

Evee Bubblebutt:“No one’s talking, Stephen A.”

Stephen A. Smiff:“EVEE! Look, you’re a CLOSE, PERSONAL friend of mine. I like you. But you’re wrong! You’re WRONG! Let me tell you why. FIRST OF ALL, I’m surprised you both failed to mention this, but FIRST OF ALL, there are good days and there are BAD DAYS and the guys out there on the SIDELINE are either having a GOOD DAY or they’re having a BAD DAY. That’s EXACTLY what I said to look for and Y’ALL MISSED IT!”

Evee Bubblebutt:“Christ on a Cracker. I have a Masters in Journalism from Northwestern and I have to sit through this bullshit.”

Final Score: 27-14, Ryan Reremice

5:17pm, NPL Network Postgame Show:

Evee Bubblebutt:“And that does it for the 2021 Seer Cup! The Ryan Reremice stun the Kevin Killcows in Stubbville, WA, and get to hoist the coveted trophy! Fran Ryanton wins Seer Cup MVP, tossing 291 yards, three touchdowns, no turnovers or sacks. Quite the performance! And speaking of solid performances, Skip, Stephen A, that prediction of mine was pretty close! Off by one point!”

Stephen A. Smiff:“FIRST OF ALL, it’s Stubbtown, WA, not Stubbville! So any PREDICTION you may have COPIED from my colleague and I, well it’s NULL and VOID! But my prediction — MY PREDICTION — was ABSOLUTELY correct, so — I mean, YOURS WAS GOOD, don’t get me wrong! Yours was good! NULL and VOID, but GOOD! But, mine–“

Skip Brainless:“Yours was good, Stephen A! For second place! I told you all along, Ryanton gets MVP, Reremice make it look easy, and the Seer Cup goes to Ryan! I told you! I told you! Once again, here I am, sitting on a mountain of truths!”

Stephen A. Smiff:“Now, look! Hold on! Hold on! Don’t go celebrating just yet, Skip! SKIIIIP! HOLD ON! Give me a minute, Skip! SKIIIP!”

Skip Brainless:“No one’s talking, Stephen A.”

Stephen A. Smiff:“FIRST OF ALL, I don’t BLAME YOU both for being so far OFF on your PREDICTIONS! You gotta be AT THE TOP OF YOUR GAME when you challenge STEPHEN. A. SMIFF. SKIIIP!”

Skip Brainless:“Like I said–“

Stephen A. Smiff:“SKIIIIIP!”

Evee Bubblebutt:“…fuck…”

Skip Brainless:“–and I knew you two would–“

Stephen A. Smiff:“EVEEEEE!”

Evee Bubblebutt:“…my…”

Skip Brainless:“–and as usual, I’m the–“

Stephen A. Smiff:“SKIIIIIP!”

Evee Bubblebutt:“…life….”

Skip Brainless:“–as you’re well aware–“

RYAN WINS, 27-14

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