The Samuel Sackbuts Play to Perfection In Their First Playoff Game!

David’s Bridal Dome
Berkenbisle of Man, NC
10:00 AM kickoff
Weather: Thermostat at 69 degrees (nice)

The Baboons come into the Wild Card round sporting the worst offense of all twelve playoff teams, relying on a dated approach to the game that still considers the forward pass too dangerous. They also wear leather helmets, but that’s more of a toxic masculinity thing.

QB Bernie Berkensmith started off the high scoring affair on just the third play of the game, holding the 3rd & 5 read option and scampering up the sideline for a 73 yard score. QB Matt Corkel countered by uncorking a 47 yard touchdown to TE Mark Mattstein to tie things up. And the contest continued like that until it spilled in to overtime. One team scoring, the other team answering.

That is until Matt Kickler, the kicker for the Micropolitans, hooked the extra point off the left upright, leaving the visiting team down one with just 0:32 left in the overtime period. The onside kick went like most onside kicks and a couple kneel downs later, the Baboons find themselves advancing!

BERKENBILE WINS, 61-60

Estadio de las Sacabuches
Samuel Cardoncito, Mexico
1:00 PM kickoff
Weather: Clear skies, Mojitos aplenty

Every three years, the Michael Minotaurs make the playoffs. And every three years, they’re eliminated from the playoffs in their first game. One would expect this to impact the head coach, but Mickey Michaelsbrown is not just the head coach, but the Owner, General Manager, President of Football Operations, Head Chef, and Social Media Manager. It all runs through him.

So, despite not playing particularly poorly, their blowout loss here in the Wild Card Round is unlikely to have any impact on the team leadership. Besides, it’s not like any team could have stopped the onslaught coming from QB Samuel Colt and RB Samuel Wanjiru. Colt passed for a team playoff record (jokes) 319 yards and 5 TDs, while Wanjiru just didn’t stop running, amassing 221 yards on the ground.

The Sackbuts crush the Minotaurs to move on to the Divisional Round!

SAMUEL WINS, 62-23

Joel’s Crab Shack & Sports Stadium
Joelsylvania, PA
4:00 PM kickoff
Weather: 23 degrees, sun’s out, so the gun’s are out

The Juggernauts started hot, pulling ahead 23-7 by the end of the first quarter. But the offense stalled and the defense just completely forgot about their game plan. Five unanswered Bongos touchdowns later, the Jugs found themselves down 42-23 midway through the 3rd quarter.

But QB Jensen Joel-Een stepped up in the absence of Joel Michael Jowell-Jollsberg, who was busy filming segments for his timeshare presentations. Joel-Een tossed two touchdowns and converted both 2-pt conversions to pull within a field goal at 42-39.

However, the Bongos proved too much to handle in the closing minutes of the fourth quarter.

BRIAN WINS, 56-40

Urine Luck – Portable Toilets Field
Travis, TX
7:00 PM kickoff
Weather: 72 degrees, chance of locusts

Much like the Michael Minotaurs (and in the same years, strangely), the Ballerinas also like to make the playoffs every three years and promptly lose out to end their season. They’re 0-2 in the post season coming into this match-up with the 6-8 Travis Tichorrhines, who also has a history of losing their first playoff game, coming into this contest 0-3 in the post season.

So, something’s gotta give.

From the early moments, it looked like Travis might play spoiler to one of the top teams of the 2021 regular season. They pulled ahead early, on the strength of the “T. Ravis” offense, with QB James T. Ravis, his cousin RB John T. Ravis, and siamese twin brothers WR Eli T. Ravis and Peyton T. Ravis. The Ravis boys got the Tichorrhines out to a 26-16 lead by halftime.

But, the Ballerinas are among the top teams for a reason. They absolutely danced all over the Tichorrhines in the second half, attributing their 40-7 second half blowout to halftime adjustments. Per QB Dave Na, “Usually linebackers will say they’re coming to get ya, but they’re just lying. But these guys were really honest. So when they said they were coming to get me, I trusted them and made adjustments at the line for the incoming blitz.”

DAVENA WINS, 54-31