The Two Best Records in The Clairvoyant Conference Are Sent Packing in the Divisional Round!

International House of Pancakes Field
Jerrysville, FL
10:00 AM kickoff
Weather: 81 degrees, chance of hurricane

QB Samuel Colt was shooting bullets all over the field once again, setting another playoff record for the Sackbuts franchise (I joke – it’s only their second playoff game) by tossing 398 yards en route to four touchdowns. Colt’s favorite target, WR Sam Elliot, had a day of his own, starting with a healthy breakfast, a glass of milk, and a relaxing and not at all sexually-predatory massage. He also played football and caught 14 of 17 targets for a total of 179 yards and 3 TDs, which is not too shabby. Just ask the defensive captain of the Jaws-of-Life.

“That passing game was not too shabby,” said Jeral Jerrpethian, linebacker for the J-o-L.

The Jaws-of-Life offense had a fine game of their own, amassing 442 yards of offense and four touchdowns, but the Sackbuts were as predictable and mysterious as jazz music and the J-o-L just couldn’t play in time.

SAMUEL WINS, 53-30

The Choco Taco Bowl
Jewel of the Everglades, FL
1:00 PM kickoff
Weather: 83 degrees, smells like fudge

Last week, the Sackbuts dominated with a perfect offensive performance. Bette took that personally. The Blue Tits own several single-week performance records and didn’t like someone copying their homework. They dominate the Baboons here, riding a rushing attack that saw three different players reach the century mark in yardage.

The Baboons simply could not keep up with the offensive onslaught of their hosts, despite a fine offensive performance of their own. It just wasn’t good enough, like the excuses one gives their spouse as to why they were late to dinner with the in-laws.

BETTE WINS, 62-31

Bangerz Field at the Zyprexa Dome
Las Raches, NV
4:00 PM kickoff
Weather: 66 degrees, lots of drunk folks

Despite being a five seed in the Clairvoyant Conference, DaVena sports the third best record in the NPL and was a 1.5 point favorite. How a half point, you ask? Well, the rules of this sport were written by a collection of drunken sailors, so a half point is actually possible. Luckily, that incredibly rare scenario hasn’t happened since the 1927 matchup when the Margaret Magpies defeated the Charles Carriages, 23.5 to 16.5.

The Wrecking Balls were not hearing any of that “underdog” talk, mostly because they use the NP&T mobile network provided by the league that is experiencing some… issues. But fortunately, that talk never reached them at all and they answered each score with a score of their own, each end zone dance with a dance of their own, each autograph by scribbling out the other team’s players’ autographs. The game reached overtime, where the Wrecking Balls collected 2 points on an DaVena miscue and added three more points to secure the win!

RACHEL WINS, 38-33

Medusozoa Field
Jenland, OR
7:00 PM kickoff
Weather: 42 degrees, weird lights in the sky

The Brian Bongos entered the Divisional round as one of the biggest underdogs since Samwise Gamgee entered that tower in Mordor to try to find Mr. Frodo in the middle of that orc orgy. I haven’t watched the movie in the while, but I’m pretty sure that’s how it went. The Bongos bring in the tied-for-worst record among playoff teams and face the #2 offense in the NPL. Could they withstand the upcoming onslaught? Sure.

The Jellyfish had no sting today. They lose the turnover battle four to one, they lose two players to a halftime trade with the Ethan Evil Entities, who aren’t even in the playoffs (honestly, why does the NPL not have a trade deadline?), and they lose the keys to the team bus. But most importantly of all, more important than any political happenings in the world, more important than child hunger, dolphin abortions, or an ice cream scoop that is obviously too big for that waffle cone: they lost. Bummer for them!

BRIAN WINS, 44-32