Underdogs Face Overdogs in the Conference Championships!

International House of Pancakes Field in Jerrysville, FL

5:00 PM kickoff. Weather: 72 degrees, Bright, bright, bright, sunshiny day

The Jerry Jaws-of-Life, keepers of a 12-2 regular season record, stand as a giant in the path of the humble 9-5 Ryan Reremice. But those Reremice are possibly the hottest team in the NPL, having won eight of their last nine games, including two wins already in this post-season over perennial playoff giants in the Javelineers and the Braggadocios. The Jaws-of-Life draw an additional short straw, having to face a scrambling QB like Fran Ryanton that gives their Cover-11 defense trouble.

PLAY BY PLAY FROM JAWS-OF-LIFE RADIO: “Ryanton under center. Number 19, Red Ryansen, goes in motion to the far side. Play action, Ryanton back to pass. He’s got his tight end, Ryan-Rybo, over the middle! To the 25! OH! A massive hit from SS Jermal Jerrdams! By Odin’s beard, Jerrdams brought the thunder! The ball is loose! It’s being kicked around like an unwanted foster child in the system! Is that? That’s Fran Ryanton scooping up the ball! He’s got blockers now! He’s got confidence! He’s got great hair! He’s got himself a touchdown!”

The Jaws-of-Life would answer back, and answer back again, and again, and again. No matter the points put up by the Reremice, the J-o-L would counter. QB Jimmy Jerro picked apart the Reremice defense with a death-from-a-thousand-cuts style offense, picking up 3-5 yards per play on slants, curls, dives, and other football-sounding words.

PLAY BY PLAY FROM REREMICE RADIO: “I mean, he’s having a decent game, sure. It’s not like he’s doing any of the work, though. Jerro is 17-for-19 here in the first half, but he’s only got 119 yards passing, with more than half of that yards-after-the-catch. He’s not picking apart the Reremice defense with this death-from-a-thousand-cuts style offense, no matter what the other broadcast team might try to convince you. Okay, third down now, six to go. Jerro back to pass again. Fucking cocksucking bullshit, goddammit! Jerro finds WR Jing Jang for a pick up of 7 yards and another Jaws of Life first down. I’d like to see him try a pass more than eight yards at least once this game!”

As fate would have it, Jerro did try one pass more than eight yards. And it was the game winner. Down 45-40, the Jerry Jaws-of-Life entered their final drive of the game needing a touchdown to regain the lead. With only 1:08 on the clock when they got the ball back, they were pressed for time. Jerro tossed darts to each sideline, finding his WRs with just enough room to get a toe-tap in before stepping out of bounds. 11 passes later, the Jaws-of-Life were staring at do-or-die time: no timeouts remaining, 0:11 left on the clock, 4th and Goal from the 8 yard line.

PLAY BY PLAY FROM JAWS-OF-LIFE RADIO: “Here we go, folks. This is the last play of the game for the Jaws-of-Life offense. Down five, eight yards needed for the win. The underneath routes will not be good enough here. Jerro under center, Jim Jim Jerree in motion to the near side. Jerro drops back into Shotgun and the Jaws-of-Life settle into an empty set. Six left on the playclock. Here’s the snap. Jerro looking to the far corner. He’s got a man! It’s Jerree! Pass is… tipped!”

PLAY BY PLAY FROM REREMICE RADIO: “Jerro’s pass is… tipped! The Reremice have it! The Reremice pick it off! Lineback Ryland Wrien is all by himself! He’s going to go 99 yards untouched! The Reremice are going to the Seer Cup!”

RYAN WINS, 52-40

Ninja Mega Kitchen System Dome in Kevinglewood, CA

5:00 PM kickoff. Weather: 42 degrees, AC unit left on overnight

NPL Title Belt Match!

The Killcows enter the Clairvoyant Conference Championship game holding the other 12-2 record, look to carry their momentum into the Seer Cup by dispatching the 9-5 Miranda Martians. The Martians are no pushovers, however, having won their last five games with a high powered offensive showing week in, week out. The Killcows knew they had to take this match-up seriously and planned a stunning defensive stand in the first drive of the game.

PLAY BY PLAY FROM MARTIANS RADIO: “Merle Randa, our fearless quarterback, stands behind the center getting a read on this Killcows defense. 1st and 10 here from the 27 yard line. Here’s the snap and Randa is in trouble! Randa is down! A sack on the first play of the game!”

“…Second down now, 16 to go. Handoff goes to RB Mike Randy and he’s hit immediately! That’s another loss on second down!”

“…Third down here for the Martians and so far, they’re going the wrong way. 19 yards to gain for the first down, but you gotta think they’re going to just play it safe in this situation. Ball is snapped. It’s a screen pass, to WR Arnie Merlancey Martin but he drops it! It looks like that’s still a live ball! It was a backwards pass! TE ‘Tractor Beam’ Miran dives on it for a loss of 7 yards, bringing up 4th and 26. Outside of a turnover, I can’t imagine a more disastrous opening series in a Conference Championship game!”

The Killcows, conversely, had no trouble moving the ball when it was their turn on offense. Big time tight end, Kevmarius Kill-Cowvinforth III, emerged as the standout performer for the offense in the first half, pulling in 9 receptions on 11 targets for 113 yards and three touchdowns before the commercial-break-littered halftime show.

PLAY BY PLAY FROM KILLCOWS RADIO: “Kthulu under center here on 2nd down and short. Play action to Kevinsen and Kthulu delivers and absolute dart over the middle to Kill-Cowvinforth the Third! Kevmarius shakes off the first tackler and he’s free! Look at the big man run! To the 30! The 20! He’s dragged down from behind and crashes to the turf at the 9 yard line! First and goal for the Killcows! Kevmarius Kill-Cowvinforth the 3rd! Most annoying name in football but he’s having himself a day today! 68 yard completion for the Pro Bowl Tight End!”

At halftime, it wasn’t close. The Killcows took a 31-12 lead into the break and it proved far too much for the Martians to overcome, despite their own attempts at trickery in the second half.

PLAY BY PLAY FROM KILLCOWS RADIO: “Alright, the Martians are running out five lineman and six wide receivers here on 2nd down. I knew their WR depth was good, but this is kinda ridiculous. They’ve got four in the backfield in a Wing-T Pistol formation, two split out wide on opposite sidelines. Far wide receiver in motion. He’ll settle in just behind the right tackle. Similar motion from the left wideout. Here’s the snap… where’s the ball? All the receivers took off in random directions, some toward their own endzone. The Killcows have no idea what’s going on. I’m not sure the Martians do either! There it is! Arnie Merlancey went up the middle with it for the first down. I’m not sure all of that was worth an eight yard gain, but it was interesting to watch!”

KEVIN WINS, 45-22