Jennifer Crushes Cari, Berkenbile Wins Big

NPL 2017 – Week One Write Up

Michael at Berkenbile

NPL Title Belt Game
New logo, new attitude for the Baboons. They open the season with a bruising victory over their regional rivals, the Michael Minotaurs. The Baboons get to retain the NPL title belt as well! BERKENBILE WINS, 55-29

Michael – Correct: 7, Incorrect: 3, MM off by: 2, Score: 29
Berkenbile – Correct: 9, Incorrect: 1, MM off by: 1, Score: 55

Vince at Jason

The JeStErS weren’t joking around in this one. They beat the Vapulaters like it were frosh hazing day, only way more unwanted sexual taunts were shouted at Vince. They score late to keep things respectable in the stats column, but it was pretty brutal to see otherwise. JASON WINS, 29-11

Vince – Correct: 5, Incorrect: 5, MM off by: 2, Score: 11
Jason – Correct: 6, Incorrect: 4, MM off by: 9, Score: 29

Lauren at Josh

Boy, not much went right for the Javelineers in the first week. They get their lone score from Lauren punter Lorne Leftfoot (ironically a right-foot punter) running out of the back of the endzone for the intentional safety to close out the first half. Other than that, it was a good ol’ fashion ass whoopin’. LAUREN WINS, 37-2

Lauren – Correct: 7, Incorrect: 3, MM off by: 6, Score: 37
Josh – Correct: 4, Incorrect: 6, MM off by: 7, Score: 2

Travis at Ethan

The defending champ has a tradition of winning ugly. They continue that time honored practice by stinking up the joint for 4 quarters before finally adding on some points in overtime. No win for the new look Ticcorhines. ETHAN WINS, 18-9

Travis – Correct: 4, Incorrect: 6, MM off by: 12, Score: 9
Ethan – Correct: 4, Incorrect: 6, MM off by: 3, Score: 18
Game Decided by the Monday Madness Tiebreaker!

Brandon at Brent

Brent starts off the season with the annual destruction of the Brandon Braggadocios. The other BB’s (Brandon… Braggadocios…) put up a fight for 3 quarters, but it was all BB Cannons in the 4th quarter. BRENT WINS, 34-12

Brandon – Correct: 5, Incorrect: 5, MM off by: –, Score: 12
Brent – Correct: 7, Incorrect: 3, MM off by: 7, Score: 34

LeScoot at Ricky

Double safety! LeScoot manages a rare feat, or should we say the Rock Lobsters pulled the double fail? Two poorly planned interception returns result in 4 points in just three plays. Trouble is that’s all the LeScavengers could scrape up this afternoon. The Rock Lobsters continue their ascension to okay-ness. RICKY WINS, 27-4

LeScoot – Correct: 4, Incorrect: 6, MM off by: 0, Score: 4
Ricky – Correct: 6, Incorrect: 4, MM off by: 9, Score: 27

Adam at Jerry

To not be outdone by the double safety, the Jaws-of-Life managed their only point thanks to a blocked PAT return late in the 3rd quarter. In the immortal words of legendary poet, Nelly, “Two is not a winner and three no one remembers”. One it is then! ADAM WINS, 16-1

Adam – Correct: 5, Incorrect: 5, MM off by: 10, Score: 16
Jerry – Correct: 4, Incorrect: 6, MM off by: 3, Score: 1

Steven at DaVena

The Sausages got served here. The Ballerinas won the coin toss, the halftime egg toss, both replay challenges, and ultimately the game. Steven was there mostly as moral support, since they didn’t really bother playing football. DAVENA WINS, 34-3

Steven – Correct: 4, Incorrect: 6, MM off by: 14, Score: 3
DaVena – Correct: 7, Incorrect: 3, MM off by: 9, Score: 34

Corey at Kevin

Nail biter, folks! Like an obese subway rider approaching the turnstiles, the Cutthroats squeezed by the Killcows. It wasn’t a great effort from both teams, but it was the only game that resulted in both kickers being checked into concussion protocol following post-kick helmet slaps. In OT, COREY WINS, 18-17

Corey – Correct: 5, Incorrect: 5, MM off by: 2, Score: 18
Kevin – Correct: 5, Incorrect: 5, MM off by: 3, Score: 17
Game Decided by the Monday Madness Tiebreaker!

Chris at Joel

Joel Michael Jowell-Jollsberg returned to form and booted 9 field goals on 9 attempts. Now as a partial owner of the Juggernauts franchise, it’s in Jowell-Jollsberg’s best interest to get fans in the stands. When topless cotton candy girls didn’t get traction, JMJJ decided to suit up once again. JOEL WINS, 35-23

Chris – Correct: 6, Incorrect: 4, MM off by: 4, Score: 23
Joel – Correct: 7, Incorrect: 3, MM off by: 3, Score: 35

Ryan at Laci

The Revenge Tour begins for the Ryan Reremice. After being thoroughly embarrassed by the Ethan Evil Entities in the Seer Cup, Ryan takes an offseason’s worth of frustration out on the poor Labeorphiles. It was a whoop ass that should be canned. RYAN WINS, 45-14
Ryan – Correct: 8, Incorrect: 2, MM off by: 14, Score: 45
Laci – Correct: 5, Incorrect: 5, MM off by: 3, Score: 14

Andrew at Miranda

The Martians got a terrestrial ass kicking in this one, and no I have no idea if that makes any sense at all. The Androids were programmed to “Chaos Setting” according to their programming lead, and the unpredictable nature of the offense really troubled the Miranda defense in this one. ANDREW WINS, 35-0

Andrew – Correct: 7, Incorrect: 3, MM off by: 6, Score: 35
Miranda – Correct: 3, Incorrect: 7, MM off by: 11, Score: 0

Kelly at Rachel

The Wrecking Balls slammed through the Zeros here, with Kelly not offering much resistance at all to the punishing Rachel offense. It was all 3rd stringers for Rachel by the time the 4th quarter was underway, leaving home fans wondering, “Is this still the preseason?” RACHEL WINS, 46-6

Kelly – Correct: 4, Incorrect: 6, MM off by: 4, Score: 6
Rachel – Correct: 8, Incorrect: 2, MM off by: 3, Score: 46

Jennifer at Cari

Statement victory in primetime for the Jellyfish. The ‘Bous looked more helpless than a triple amputee in a wave pool, but unlike the amputee, Cari was unable to even make a splash. Jennifer cruises to an easy win in week one. JENNIFER WINS, 44-0

Jennifer – Correct: 8, Incorrect: 2, MM off by: 10, Score: 44
Cari – Correct: 3, Incorrect: 7, MM off by: 3, Score: 0

Player of the Week

Berkenbile
9 correct, 1 incorrect, MM off by 1

Solo Soothsayer – NONE

Legendary Lonesome Loser – Adam picked NYG over DAL

Monday Magician
Berkenbile, LeScoot

AYST ESPN?
Michael, Lauren, Ryan, Andrew, Jennifer, Berkenbile, Brent, DaVena, Joel, Rachel

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