Androids Upset Defending Champs At Home

The JeStErS score two safeties and a blocked PAT en route to the strangest low score in the NPL since the time the Rock Lobsters were gifted 3 points by the Commish when they left all of their cleats on a different bus. BERKENBILE WINS, 19-5

The Minotaurs looked Min-o-tarded in this match up, but that was because they were all required by their owner to play with a unique disability to raise awareness for various causes. The QB playing with Tourette Syndrome was particularly amusing. JOSH WINS, 17-5

The Vapulaters were the victims of an elaborate prank by the Reremice, who heated the visiting team’s tunnel floor to 300 degrees, melting the cleats of the opposition. The Vapulaters couldn’t get any traction after that. RYAN WINS, 38-13

The Cannibals arrived 33 minutes late to the game after highway pirates stole their bus tires at 70 mph. Traveling the desolate wasteland that surrounds A-Bombs territory requires a strong defense, yet the Cannibals opted for pads and helmets instead of port side cannons. ADAM WINS, 17-6

The Rock Lobsters gave away 36,000 lobsters and rocks to home fans, which was way more than the 5,000 in attendance. They stuck with their original order, despite playing at Oli M. Zen High School until their stadium roof is repaired following the tragic skydiving accident in Week 2. BRENT WINS, 28-15

The Jaws-of-Life recorded an NPL record three safeties in two minutes to start the game against the Braggadocios. That was all the scoring for the home team, so the 43,303 in attendance quickly went back to lazily scrolling through Facebook. BRANDON WINS, 18-6

The ‘Bous received plenty of boos following this performance. It was less to do with their play and more to do with the increase in cotton candy prices. Now at a league-high $44 per bag, fans were not pleased. LeSCOOT WINS, 28-12

DaVena players were puzzled to find the Killcows were fumigating their stadium on game day. They eventually arrived at First University College Kevinville where the game was being hosted. KEVIN WINS, 27-0

The Juggernauts were withough Joel Michael Jowell-Jollsberg in this one, but not for his usual movie/book/motivational speaking scheduling, but because he had fallen behind on a few household chores. STEVEN WINS, 26-14

The Jellyfish set an NPL record for most promotional giveaways at one game, giving the first 35,000 fans a towel, a duffel bag, a bobblehead doll, a t-shirt, a blender, a riding lawnmower, a small Asian child, and a team logo wallet. COREY WINS, 20-5

Lauren played strong to start the game, taking an early 21-0 lead into halftime. When they left the locker room, they found that they were in the middle of the desert, no civilization in sight. Turns out, they were taking part in a football game and a widely televised magic trick. TRAVIS WINS, 37-21

Laci has a new offensive strategy which is yet to pay off. They have the lineman promise a sack to the opponents in exchange for two plays where they do not get any pressure on the QB. So far, no opposing lineman have accepted the offer. KELLY WINS, 19-4

The Ethan Evil Entities bomb like Waterworld. Ethan Ebow knelt for the National Anthem and received a chorus of boos from the Evil Entities fans – but not because they’re Nationalists, but because it’s largely an Athiest crowd and that kind of religious statement is frowned upon. ANDREW WINS, 19-6

The Martians players were not on the same planet as the coaches, as their passes were more wild than a Disney star trying to transition to “sex symbol” status, and their run game was sloppier than a Disney star trying to be a sex symbol at an awards show. RACHEL WINS, 19-0