Ethan Wins Because His Opponent Doesn’t Show!

JDIII becomes the first player in NPL history to top 900 all-purpose yards in a game, with 271 yards rushing and 647 yards passing. Unfortunately, he also set single-game franchise records in interceptions (6), fumbles lost (4) and accidental safeties (2). JOSH WINS, 18-4

The Berkenbile Baboons ride the production of the rookie sensation, Bernie ReDass, the QB out of East Southern Christian Battle Academy of the Arts. ReDass tosses 421 yards and 4 touchdowns in the winning effort on the road. BERKENBILE WINS, 35-12

The Lychnobites can’t survive the overtime period, as the JeSteRs stun the Lauren crowd with a last second fumble return for a touchdown. And they say the QB Kneel is the safest play. JASON WINS, 19-18

The Reremice get rolled by the Rock Lobsters as all-pro RB Rhino Mean pounds his way to 221 yards rushing in the victory. RICKY WINS, 36-22

Due to under-inflated tires only on the side of the bus where the linemen sit, the Kelly Zeros entered a roundabout at 9:31 AM and were unable to make it out of the traffic circle by game time. Some say they’re still circling to this day. ETHAN WINS, 18-0

The BB Cannons give the Bous their second straight loss, riding their unusual 41 personnel package and quadruple-reverse based offensive scheme. BRENT WINS, 26-6

The Adam Bombs explode for 35 points of offense at home over the Braggadocios. They added on the safety in the final minutes of the game, just for peace of mind. ADAM WINS, 37-22

The Cannibals become the first team to lose in the Jellyfish’s new home. The Jellyfish of Emily snag their first victory on the year in their second straight overtime game. Thankfully the league doesn’t pay players for overtime action. JENNIFER WINS, 42-37

The Juggernauts were forced to play without legendary kicker Joel Michael Jowell-Jollsberg, as he is currently operating undercover in Turkmenistan for the CIA. The loss was apparent after backup kicker, Joe L. Thunderboot missed three straight 60 yard field goals in the second quarter. DAVENA WINS, 42-35

The Killcows were nice enough to spot the Sausages a 17 point lead after preventable mistakes, such as throwing the pass to the other team because you can then legally hit them as hard as you want. Remove those from this affair, and the score is closer than it ended up. STEVEN WINS, 36-23

NPL Title Belt Match!

The Cutthroats didn’t need any favors from the Labeorphiles, shutting out the home team with ease in this Title Belt match. The Labeorphiles, to their credit, looked at the wrong year for the schedule and showed up only a few minutes before kickoff. COREY WINS, 28-0

The Androids recompile and eliminate some bugs, taking the Martians offline with a 29-5 home victory. Here’s hoping the new framework in use is stable enough for the processes necessary for an efficient football machine going forward. ANDREW WINS, 29-5

The Wrecking Balls get wrecked by the Tichorrhines on the road, as the home crowd really turned out for this one. Due to a massive scheduling error, this game was double sold, resulting in 187% stadium capacity. They’re still searching for survivors of the 3rd quarter upper balcony collapse, but who cares? They won! TRAVIS WINS, 37-14

Whomever decided to put the Jaws-of-Life in Prime Time needs to be demoted, deported, or de-lifed. Sure, the JoL were able to survive the LeScavengers here, but the mind boggling number indecent exposure arrests that occurred while airing this game resulted in so many cutaways that there was little football to see on the broadcast. JERRY WINS, 37-23