Seer Cup Rematch for the NPL Title Belt!

The Javs open up the season on a high note, riding the untucked jersey of star QB JDIII. The Ballerinas defense practiced some social distancing when the QB scrambled, as JDIII racked up 218 yards on the ground. JOSH WINS, 44-21

The Axell Abactors make the most of their NPL debut, beating a usually stout Baboons squad. Berkenbile didn’t have much to go off of, in terms of game film, so they watched Little Giants in preparation. Lucky for them, the Abactors did actually try to run the Annexation of Puerto Rico, which failed miserably. AXELL WINS, 47-15

The Killcows are hungry this year, now that divisions are down to four teams. They may actually have a chance of collecting a division banner, their first since 2017. They de-horn the Minotaurs in this one. KEVIN WINS, 27-15

The Jennifer Jellyfish are back from their temporary home in the township of Emily, now that their new stadium, the Diaper Genie Dome, has been completed. The Reremice congratulate them on their milestone by delivering a crushing overtime defeat. RYAN WINS, 35-24

The Cutthroats put on one of the finer performances of the week, but the JeStErS scorched their defense like an out of control gender reveal party. JASON WINS, 55-30

The Labeorphiles collect the first safety of the year, pulling a 9-man blitz to both sack and potentially cripple the Vapulaters QB, Vinny Vinceverde. To say he walked off under his own power would be like saying you thought Bernie was alive that whole weekend. VINCE WINS, 28-5

The Lychnobites all failed to bring masks to the players locker room entrance, and a decidedly stubborn security guard named Laurence refused entry for all of them. Travis took the field alone and scored 10 unanswered points before the Lychnobites were able to return with masks and get suited up. TRAVIS WINS, 11-0

The Micropolitans get the easiest NPL debut in league history, as their opponent, the Andrew Androids, failed to check in on time for their flight. The Micropolitans were awarded 26 points, one for each rich man in a suit that spoke during the opening ceremony. MATT WINS, 28-0

The LeScavengers dusted off the seats, put up cardboard cutouts of their fans, pumped in fake crowd noise, and even removed the tarp over the midfield logo – which they put there in Week 8 last season. It was all for naught. KELLY WINS, 36-31

Brandon started off the 2020 season how most teams would like to: destroying the Evil Entities. Ethan Ebow manages an impressive 118 yards passing in the loss. BRANDON WINS, 26-4

The Bombs play host to the Martians, who visit our planet amidst a pandemic, wildfires, political unrest, riots, Tiger King, and other feel good stories. Thankfully, it’s more hospitable than Mars, which is kind of a shithole, and they avoided jet lag. MIRANDA WINS, 37-12

The team formerly known as the Ball Bangers makes their triumphant return to the NPL, rebranded as the family friendly Blue Tits. While their home debut was spoiled by Rachel here, we look forward to their game next week for their “Tits Out” promotion. RACHEL WINS, 37-13

The Bongos get played by the Rock Lobsters, sending the expansion franchise back home in shame, like a college student that majored in [checks boomer joke book] “Underwater Basket Weaving”. RICKY WINS, 27-12

The Juggernauts continue to be the worst offense in the league, relying entirely on legendary kicker and Mafia hitman, Joel Michael Jowell-Jollsberg, who went an almost perfect 12-for-13 on the day. Brent chose the more traditional method: touchdowns. In OT, BRENT WINS, 37-36

Head Coach of the Steven Sausages, Douglas Stevens, was nearly in tears as he prayed into the microphones during the pre-game presser, amidst concerns of only suiting up 36 players due to a rookie’s poorly executed booty call that spread COVID, Herpes and Swine Flu throughout the locker room. “Just let this be an easy game. Just let it be an easy win.” Cari happened to have their alarms set for a Monday game and completely slept through this one, granting Coach Stevens his wish. STEVEN WINS, 30-0

It’s the rematch of the 2019 Seer Cup, with the First Loser Up, Chris Cannibals, taking on the reigning champion, the Jerry Jaws-of-Life! Much like the last match-up, this one saw a benches clearing brawl (which includes the bench seats in the 300 level) that saw 14 players ejected, 3 escorted directly to county jail, and one player taken to the hospital for food poisoning. Come to think of it, that last one probably wasn’t a result of the brawl. JERRY WINS, 43-36